Fanfiction: Dragon Ball - Another Road

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Re: Fanfiction: Dragon Ball - Another Road

Post by Gog » Thu Jun 01, 2017 4:21 am

Even though the first part with Videl is funny, and I loved how you acknowledged her going to punch the dinosaur is unfathomably stupid. I have issues with how you're writing Videl in this chapter. She's too similar to Pan personality wise here, especially when she was trying to get the dinosaur's meat. I preferred how you wrote her in other chapters.

I will happily admit the wacky antics of Coola's Armored Squadron are a lot of fun to read. And I did enjoy 13 and friends here when they had the armored Squadron to bounce off of, in fact 13 and friends here were intimidating for all intents and purposes. I was wondering when you'd have the android's figure out Pan was the granddaughter of Son Goku, I just expected it to be Dr Gero to find out that little factoid of information rather than 13 and friends.

And you weren't kidding, the unintentional sexual innuendos are everywhere.

Tunson

Hmmm.... :)

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Re: Fanfiction: Dragon Ball - Another Road

Post by Kanassa » Thu Jun 01, 2017 9:35 am

Gog wrote:Even though the first part with Videl is funny, and I loved how you acknowledged her going to punch the dinosaur is unfathomably stupid. I have issues with how you're writing Videl in this chapter. She's too similar to Pan personality wise here, especially when she was trying to get the dinosaur's meat. I preferred how you wrote her in other chapters.
Yeah, I was attempting to try and convey that since Gohan died very early in Pan's life, Videl was her most influential parental figure. But, your right, I made her TOO similar. I shouldn't have made that many similarities.
I will happily admit the wacky antics of Coola's Armored Squadron are a lot of fun to read.
You say it like you're expected to hate the Armored Squadron's antics :D
And I did enjoy 13 and friends here when they had the armored Squadron to bounce off of, in fact 13 and friends here were intimidating for all intents and purposes. I was wondering when you'd have the android's figure out Pan was the granddaughter of Son Goku, I just expected it to be Dr Gero to find out that little factoid of information rather than 13 and friends.
Well, TECHNICALLY, it was Gero that figured it out since it is his programming in 15's brain that's screaming "THAT BITCH IS A SON!".

Also, did you pick up any hints about the saleswoman? She's not important to the plot at all, but she does relate to a small easter egg in the story.
And you weren't kidding, the unintentional sexual innuendos are everywhere.

Tunson

Hmmm.... :)
I was thinking more about Pan's sausage line ;D
When Super apparently shoves Goku down our throats:

Kanassa wrote:
FoolsGil wrote:I hope Mark is dead. But chances are the dragonballs will bring his stupid ass back. :D
- FoolsGil, Out of Context, 2017

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Re: Fanfiction: Dragon Ball - Another Road

Post by Kanassa » Wed Jun 14, 2017 9:43 am

Okay yeah... This chapter is short compared to the over chapters. But it's been a while since I posted the last one and I at least wanted to get what I had out. So, NEXT chapter should be the end of the introductory phase, as well as our first full appearance of the main villain.

Chapter 17: Strange Encounters

[spoiler]Most would say that the realms of the Supreme Kai don’t vary much in looks throughout the various universes. There’s always a fading purple void as the skyward barrier to this holy land, always a combination of sprawling pure green grass and crystal clear lakes, always a traditional oak tree that stood as unbreakable as a Supreme Kai’s will.

But for Yarimasu the defining feature of a Supreme Kai’s world is the feel of the world, the meaning buried into the very foundation of their residence. A testimant to a Supreme Kai’s duties. For Universe 10, the raw power and strength oozed from it’s world, despite how decrepid and worn their Supreme Kai would seem. Universe 11 was a place of order and justice. Universe 3’s gave off that air of progress, the last time Yarimasu had visited, she couldn’t help but get enveloped in the overwhelming sense of some sort of advancement of her self.

However, she’d say that the atmosphere of this Universe was her guilty pleasure. From the start of their journey through the Universes to bump off the other Supreme Kais, this had been the one step in their journey she had been dreading. Her insecurities building up over time, with every whisper in her mind wondering ‘what-if’. After her last time here, she didn’t like to entertain the thought of returning to this place.

Even then, much to her displeasure, as soon as she and Shimasu’s feet hit the soft bed of lush greenery; she drowned in that familiar aura. The warmth. The recognition. The sense of belonging. The sense… Of being home. She hated herself for it. This was the symbol of her old life, her life as a pathetic spectator, as a failure. But she couldn’t bring herself to detest those beautifully crafted walls and those flourishing trees.

A hand slowly moved over her should, a comforting pat on the back. “Do you need a minute?” The question came from Shimasu, his voice laced with worry for his sibling.

“No, we need to just get this over with” Her response was blunt and immediate, with perhaps too much force behind it as she pushed forward, away from the comforting hand. “We’ve procrastinated from this long enough. If we wait too long to commit the deed, we’ll only risk losing our faith in our abilities to do so” The anger in her voice became apparent. “I am not the same coward as before…”

“You were never a coward.” He said, lagging just behind her long strides, his eyes wondering to the various carved ornaments that littered the grounds and peaked through the blades of grass.

“I was worst. I was a failure. I was useless” She spoke in a factual manner, not eager for an argument on her point. With tensions rising at the mere sight of this place, she didn’t want to risk snapping at him. “But now, I atone for that. You and I will make up for the incompetence of the other Gods. Right?”

Shimasu offered a sigh of defeat, he could never hold an argument. “Of course. Whatever you say. Beat yourself up to your poor hearts content” They moved through the two large peach trees that formed an archway over the bridge, a tall crooked structure shaped like a pure green beetle coming into view. “But when your heart submits, I shall be here to heal it while telling you that ‘I told you so’. Sist-” They came to a halt, the feeling of a familiar ki approaching. “-Company. I do hope they have tea…”

Yarimasu’s face fell flat as she spotted a small form land in front of them, the muddy green three-toed feet came first, followed by a thin pair of legs and torso wrapped in thin white armour as the woman landed. “Mam?” The arcosian was slim with the only real bits of muscle lying in her knees and hands, you’d never guess that she was a strong fighter. But then again, female arcosians were known for how visually deceptive they could be. “I apologise for my lack of manners, mam; but I could have sworn I just left you enjoying your brunch…”

The arcosian showed no sign of an actual apology, her arms crossed and eyes narrowed in suspision. “You did, Glacia.” Yarimasu kept her expression clean, staring down her attendant for the slightest bit of threat. The twisted and low pitched tones of the woman’s voice did nothing to lower Yarimasu’s guard, as far as Yarimasu remembered, Glacia was an observant woman.

“And yet, here you stand without even a wrinkle”

“Isn’t that odd?”

“Indeed.” The Arcosian’s eyes moved into a perinant steel gaze of suspicion, her arms together in a regal stance, her head leaning forward. “How lucky for you to look so much younger”

Shimasu clapped Yarimasu on the shoulder. “Ah! How kind. See, Shimasu, she’s giving you a compliment”

“And you certainly don’t look like a trustworthy individual” The attendant added bluntly.

“No need to get personal…” He said, his lips frowning slightly.

Yarimasu walked forward without hesitation, not giving Glacia a second glance. “Come now, Brother. We have wasted too much time alredy. We have a meeting to attend to”

Even when the Arcosian stepped in front of her, standing at eye level with the woman, Yarimasu still kept the air of expectance around her. “I don’t know why you seek to immitait a Supreme Kai, but some cheap magic tricks will not get by me. Leave now, because I am not letting you get anywhere close to the Supreme Kai”
For a moment, Yarimasu let herself smile. “I’m glad that after all this time, you still kept that loyalty” But that smile was short lived, falling to a stern line as her hand reached for the axe on her back, the Arcosian raising her hand. It’s a strange feeling, having to kill someone twice… And don't even know you did it the first time. Yarimasu had to act quick, before she got he-

“That is enough.” It was a rather intense moment, hearing her own voice come from far away, wthout her mouth moveing. Like waking up from a nightmare caked in sweat and adrenaline. Yarimasu moved her gaze upwards, when Glacia had jumped out of the way and fallen into a submissive bow, Yarimasu had a clear view of her own eyes staring back at her. They were the same colour, but they also held differences. They were cold, sad… Empty.

She turned slightly to speak to Shimasu “Do I always look that depressed?”

“Only when you’re trying to win an argument” Said the other Kai, chuckling at Yarimasu’s expression. “I told you so.” The older kai stood atop the long staircase that led into the large building, taking in the scene before her.

“Mam, this imposter-“ Glacia had begun, only to be cut off by the Yarimasu of this timeline.

“Imposter?” The older woman leaned forward, eyeing up her younger counterpart, her gaze quickly falling upon the silver ring upon the woman’s middle finger; the same ring the older version had stored elsewhere. “She is no imposter, I’m afraid” Briefly her eyes flickered over Shimasu, a flair of recognition and regret.
Glacia was understandably confused. “But, how? You’re right here… But over there? I’m sorry, but this doesn’t make any sense”

“You don’t need to understand” The Kai moved down the staircase at a brisk pace, flicking her fingers in a gesture for Glacia to leave. “Fetch our new guests some tea-“

“She has tea!”

“-Though I assume that this is more than a pleasant visit” She reached the bottom step, her stern gaze sending the attendant rushing off. When the Arcosian had disappeared from view, the two look-a-likes looked each other in the eyes. The Future Yarimasu showing no hesitation in coming to her conclusion. “You’re here to kill me, aren’t you?”

The younger kai simply nodded and said “We have a lot to talk about and so much time for everything to go wrong”[/spoiler]
When Super apparently shoves Goku down our throats:

Kanassa wrote:
FoolsGil wrote:I hope Mark is dead. But chances are the dragonballs will bring his stupid ass back. :D
- FoolsGil, Out of Context, 2017

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Re: Fanfiction: Dragon Ball - Another Road

Post by Gog » Fri Jun 16, 2017 7:18 am

First things first Female Members of Freeza's race is always a bonus, but there are a few problems I have with this chapter on a whole. Namely you've thrown all of these characters at us, and I'm not sure what's going on to be honest, why is Yarimasu aiming to wipe out all other Supreme Kais?

There's also how you describe the world of the Supreme Kai's itself in the first paragraph, you can be metaphorical here give it some grandiose or mystique, maybe some more description? Also, why is Glacia Future Yarimasu's body guard? Does Freeza's race come from this universe, or did she come from Universe 7? Also, Future Yarimasu just comes out of nowhere, but knowing you there's a logical explanation for her existence.

I also had to reread it a few times to properly all of what was shown in this part of the story.

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Re: Fanfiction: Dragon Ball - Another Road

Post by Kanassa » Fri Jun 16, 2017 12:35 pm

Gog wrote: Namely you've thrown all of these characters at us, and I'm not sure what's going on to be honest, why is Yarimasu aiming to wipe out all other Supreme Kais?
Chapter five clearly explained that their end goal is to dethrone the Omni-King, and that this means they're taking down the Gods of Destruction first. Remember, Yarimasu was expressing how uncomfortable she was with the knowledge that she was going to kill all the other Supreme Kais. Also, removing the Supreme Kai's has the benefit of removing all those in the God hierarchy who know the most about time travel and notice their tampering with time.
Also, why is Glacia Future Yarimasu's body guard? Does Freeza's race come from this universe, or did she come from Universe 7?
Glacia's position is apart of Yarimasu's backstory (It also ties into why she recruited Dashade in the first place), plus Yarimasu did not want a Shinjin as an attendant as they'd more easily realise what she was doing and raise suspicion. Glacia is from Universe 6, not from Yarimasu's universe.
Also, Future Yarimasu just comes out of nowhere, but knowing you there's a logical explanation for her existence.
How does she come out of nowhere? This is the Yarimasu of Trunks's timeline. It is out right stated by Yarimasu that her and Shimasu come from a different timeline back in chapter five, which is reiterated in this chapter. I mean, I know you stated you had to re-read it a couple of times to understand, but I think I made that fact pretty clear.
I also had to reread it a few times to properly all of what was shown in this part of the story.
Is it the specific wording of the scene that makes it hard to read? Or was it a lot of grammar errors?
When Super apparently shoves Goku down our throats:

Kanassa wrote:
FoolsGil wrote:I hope Mark is dead. But chances are the dragonballs will bring his stupid ass back. :D
- FoolsGil, Out of Context, 2017

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Re: Fanfiction: Dragon Ball - Another Road

Post by Kanassa » Mon Jun 26, 2017 9:50 pm

Chapter 18: Look to the Stars Above

[spoiler]The room was cold. As if the icy winds of Arcos had flooded the room, choking the inhabitants in a solid grip of burning ice. Salza, Neiz and Dore pressed their heads against the floor, desperate to avoid the gaze of their master. While they did know that Cooler had a much more merciful outlook towards those who served him than his brother or father (A factoid Cooler didn’t like admitting), his glare was nerve wrecking and held the signature danger of any royal Arcosian. Though, considering that this was a man who could shoot laser beam out of his eyes, it was rather fitting.

“Androids?” The question rolled bitterly off of Cooler’s song, his eyes glowering down at the bowed form of his servants, fingers digging into the arms of his ‘throne’. Behind him, the observation deck had darkened with the fall of the day, having the effect of twisting shadows around the Arcosian’s form, leaving his eyes half-hidden. But that glare never let up.

Salza’s head rose a little to say “I am sure, my Lord! Three androids” His tone official and confident.

Still, Cooler kept his icy gaze fixed upon his second-in-command, it was a very telling gaze. One that caused more pressure than relief to fall upon Salza’s shoulders. “I should hope for your sake that you are sure, for if you were to bring me such alarming news, only to find that it was all ill-founded after you waste precious time… My disappointment would know no end” His tone was still dry, there was an edge of anger here and there, but he kept his composure.

Cooler didn’t need to make a threat of bodily harm against a man like Salza. Yes, Cooler did follow the belief that to show his men the consequence of failure through his domination of his foes, but for Salza? The man was born with the military so entrenched in his genetics, body and soul that failing his superior was a fate worse than death. “I am vell aware, Sir. But it is the only vay zo explain ze strange readings from ze scouters”

It didn’t help that Salza had grown up with Captain Ginyu as a mentor. Honestly, Cooler saw it as a rather foolish outlook. But… It does secure his loyalty. “As long as you keep that in mind” The Arcosian moved his chin to rest atop his closed fist, his eyes relaxing slightly. “Is there anything useful you could find on these androids? Anything that could help?”

“I am sure zat zhey are not ze same androids that rampaged across Earth all zhose years ago” Salza’s eyes didn’t dare move from the bright purple floor plates, this position beaten into his very bones like a bad back. “A witness to the previous android’s destruction could not recognise them”

At this, Cooler’ found his breath caught up in his throat, his body shooting up to their feet. “Wait. Previous android’s destruction?” The three crewmen instantly lurched backwards at the sound of a ‘thump’ at their master’s feet hitting the ground, his voice laced with venom. “A factor you forgot to mention. That it has been confirmed that there was someone on this planet strong enough to defeat the beings who overpowered the Super Saiyan!?”

“W-we didn’t think that was an important piece of information!” Said Neiz, explaining himself through a desperate crackled tone.

“You’re not thinking, Gentlemen” The bitter Arcosian swerved to put his back to them, inching his way to the observation deck window, looking out onto the darkening landscape of the wasteland. “At least, you’re not thinking from the right point of view” The ruler raised one finger, within seconds a crimson orb developed over the finger, clashing with the shadows, and covering half of Cooler’s form with a red hue. “Take in the facts. These original androids killed the Super Saiyan the same Super Saiyan who effortlessly slaughtered both my brother and father. So, let us assume that means the one who’s hands they died at is at least as strong as them. And the possibility that they still live on this world”

The possibility of this person abusing some ulterior method that didn’t require that much power did come to mind, but Cooler looked to that as a low possibility, and one that was all too hopeful. “And at worse, they’ve grown stronger and stronger. Strong enough to be a threat” His gaze moved up towards the sky, where a few stars twinkled as reminders of faraway galaxies. “This planet is one of the lowest rated dirt balls in the universe, for centuries its strongest natural born fighters couldn’t even measure up to our foot soldiers. And even they were slaughtered by Androids. No, it’s real jewels have reportedly been from off world, or created through unnatural means. So… Who could have been this strong?”

“I think he’s thinking about this too hard…” Dore murmured to Neiz, who for the sake of his life didn’t try and make a response.

“Maybe this was the androids you met, rouges who turned on their creator and fellow tools of destruction. But that implies they were built after the rampage o the previous androids, and with the state of the world at that time, the possibility of anyone being able to make any technical marvels is low. Maybe an alien sought refuge on this planet? But a savoir with alien features would have been mentioned by this witness of yours. Maybe… Maybe…”

“Maybe a surviving Saiyan? Ze monkies could have procreated before their untimely demise…”
The mere mention of Saiyans as a possibility made Cooler stop in his tracks, his breath caught in his throat, a cold shiver running down his spine. Like an old drug habit calling to him from within. “Saiyans?” His voice became quiet and contemplative, his eyes staring into the space in front of him. All at once a golden aura took hold of his mind, a short recording playing back in his memory over and over again. The single message that made it out of King Cold’s ship. Of a Golden Devil that reduced the universe’s strongest fights to nothing without breaking a sweat. Cooler’s tounge swept over his dry lips, simply replying “No… Let’s not get out hopes up”

Dore suddenly got to his feet, smacking his hands together. “Hey! Maybe it’s that lass we met in the town!” He grinned to himself at the thought. “This girl said she was the strongest person on the planet!”

To which Salza instantly got to his feet to smack the tower of muscle upside the head. “She was being arrogant, you louse!”

“Did you not see those muscles?” To emphasise, Dore flexed.

“Your muscles are bigger than her head.”

“Oh… Good point.”

Neiz was unsure of whether to stop bowing, Salza and Dore had gotten up, but Cooler hadn’t said anything. Peer pressure and his gut were disagreeing. “We should have scanned her for her power levels…”

Salza scoffed “Have you read ANY of ze reports comprised about zis planet?”

“Nope.” Said Neiz with a shrug.

Dore slung his arm around Neiz’s head with a chuckle “Yeah, we leave all the digging to you, mate. Neiz can’t even read…”
Suddenly, Salza had the feeling he was starting to develop a twitch in reaction to Dore’s insufferable laugh. “I am surrounded by morons…” He inhaled and exhaled. He continued. “Many Earthlings who are of moderate fighting prowess have displayed ze ability to hide zheir full potential. Zhey natural power level is likely to be a mouse compared to zheir real power”

“Heh, Neiz wouldn’t even get the chance to scan her anyway when he doesn’t have his scouter anymore”
The tall amphibian instantly felt the heat of Cooler’s gaze train on him. “Explain.” The demand felt like sharp fangs pulling at Neiz’s sweaty brow.

“I don’t know how I lost it, sir. It must have just… Fell off, probably when we were moving through that crowd a while back” Neiz looked up for a moment and instantly regretted it, the Arcosian’s snake-like iris seemed primed and ready to fire.
Seeing this, Salza immediately stepped in front of Neiz with a curt bow “Zo be fair, sir, zhis is not zhat much of a loss. Ve have spares!”

“It’s not so much the value of what he has lost, Salza, but that he so fragrantly and easily lost basic equipment” Cooler’s eyes closed a sigh was taken and the master turned away yet again. “When I give orders, I expect them to be followed. Because I trust in your abilities as my hand. When I want you to fight, I trust that you’ll be experienced enough to outdo your opponent. When I want your opinion, I trust that you are knowledgeable in the subject I ask you about. But if such simple tasks and responsibilities are too much for you, if you waste resources, my trust begins to fade. And by the end, all I see is disappointments” His words were articulated to make every point clear and precise, his finger moving as if it was prepared to fire off a blast, but no such danger ever came.

“Of course, Sir. It von’t happen again, vill it, Neiz?” Salza’s foot inched backward, hitting Neiz on the snout.

“Uh, YES! That’s right! Never again!”

“Now, I trust you’ll be able to track these Androids down” Cooler returned to his throne, crossing one leg over the other in a regal stature. “But that’s not all we’re looking out for. It seems that there is much more that this planet has to offer than it would seem. While you were away scouting, I went on an adventure of my own. Salza.”

The Arcosian tapped his own scouter before he gestured to the screen on the wall, which after a few button presses from Salza lit up, a small static ensuing as colour materialised on the screen. “Connecting to zour scouter’s feed, my Lord”
Soon, the three soldiers gathered to watch the muted footage of Chorona and Cooler’s discovery of the strange time rift. Dore’s immediate reaction was ‘Pretty lady!’ while Neiz’s was simply “What’s up with the stupid hair?’

“As you can see, I had some… Pleasant company on the journey. She called herself a ‘Kai’, a term I have not heard before” Cooler was surprised when Neiz seemed to have a flash of recognition.

“A kai? I’ve heard of them before, but only in fairy tales and religions. Aren’t they supposed to be Gods of Creation or something?”

“Then that would make her a… Goddess?” The Emperor found himself chuckling at the thought. “Yes, that does seem a fitting label she would give herself” But that brought into question validity of her claims. While Neiz’s home world fairy tale could be referring to something different, Cooler couldn’t deny that some aspects about her, her clothes, and the way she carried herself. Especially her strange techniques and her obvious knowledge of this strange distortion they encountered.
They did seem to be fitting of any mention of gods his father had told him about. Though, he had never heard of a God of Creation, only the idea of a God of Destruction, more specifically a being his Father had taken great lengths to warn both him and his brother about; Lord Beerus. A God of Creation would make sense, in a cosmic hierarchy of deities the universe would seek to strike a balance in their positions. Before creation comes destruction. He had much to think about later.

“It is likely that we shall cross paths with her again, a perfect opportunity to learn more” Something bigger was going on here, this planet is the centre of some cosmic event, and she was wrapped up in it as well.

“So, she’s a friend?” Dore asked hopefully.

“If we meet her…” Cooler stopped, thinking it over. She would certainly be much more valuable as an ally, even without the possibility of her godly status as well as her ‘personality’, her abilities and knowledge could be a very fruitful addition under Cooler’s command. And he did need a foot stool… “We treat her as a possible ally. But always be ready to start slitting throats. As I’ve learned growing under the shadow of my father’s incompetence, the sharpest blades hide behind such beautiful faces”
And now, Cooler had to try and explain what the hell happened when the video cut off at the crystal sucking Cooler and Chorona in…

It was going to be a long day.
***
With a sigh, Videl inched her head to the side, dodging yet another shard of glass that was wrenched from her window frame by ‘the wind’. This shard joining the other few, embedding themselves into the wall to from a glass outline of the woman’s tilted head. “Window’s ain’t cheap, you know!” She called out to the broken window.

“Hehehe, sorry. I won’t do it ag-“ Before Pan could even finish her repeated apology another shard exploded from the frame and went right through Videl’s Heatap can.

“For the ninth time going…”
She heard her daughter let out another grunt, probably kicking her feet into the air for her daily training exercises. “Hey! Don’t worry about it, you’ll be able to buy twenty windows with the prize money when I win the tournament”

After the tenth shard ripped her favourite vase off the table and into the floor, the mother (Who was starting to reach the end of her patience) clicked off the television with a grumble and pulled herself up towards the window. Looks like she wasn’t getting any sleep tonight by the tv. Another ‘heeeya!’ ripped through the air as Videl hopped over the broken window, witnessing Pan’s fist collide with the air at such a speed that it sent a visible shockwave barrelling into a nearby street lamp; reducing said street lamp to a broken mess. “I’m not looking forward to the repair bills I’m gonna get this week…”

An awkward laugh from Pan. “T-That old thing was broken anyway”

And another angry twitch from Videl. “Why don’t you find somewhere empty to train? You know, somewhere where nobody knows who I am and where to send their complaints?”

“Pffft, I’m just a student! I can’t train on my own when I still have so much to learn” Pan shook her head, accompanied by a ‘Tsk, tsk, tsk’ that made Videl’s eye twitch again. “So, I’m having Dad oversee my training. I mean, he doesn’t really have anything else to do all day” It was only then that Videl noticed the fact that the girl was doing all this directly in front of Gohan’s grave. “He thinks I’m doing great. Though I think he’s a bit scared of that glare you got there…”

“It’s times like this I ask myself why I didn’t take ChiChi’s advise and make you a book worm” Despite an obvious puncture in the can, Videl raised her drink to her lips the cold liquid inside offering a cold tingle to her tired and dishevelled face.

Pan thought for a second, before saying “Because I can’t pretend to talk with my dad’s grave about the ‘Theory of Relativity’?”

“Well, at least I don’t have to worry about you being crazy…”

“There’s nothing wrong with talking to a grave” Said Pan, her cheeks puffing out into a pout. “I know he’s not actually there, but I feel more confident. And I like that because that means, even indirectly he’s still helping me” She fell down into a sitting position beside the grave, patting away the dust on the engravings. “Besides, I’ve gotta make up for the fact that he won’t be there for my dream anymore”

“This is going to be stupid, isn’t it?”

“I’ve told you about this before!” The girl whined, lowering herself onto her back to look up to the night sky. She patted the spot beside her. “Sit.”

“Urg… Fine, but I’m going to fall asleep while you talk” The grown woman made her way over to her daughter and laid beside her for the first time in ten years, the cold and rough dirt already irritating her. “Okay, what’s the dream? Strongest fighter, right?”

“That’s just the start! Just one dream ain’t enough for Son Pan, especially one that comes as natural and easy to me. ‘Cus I’m already the best, just gotta prove it” Pan pointed skywards towards the stars. “I want to go up there, where there’s no limits, where everything is strange and alien to me. Somewhere away from here”

“Hey! My company isn’t THAT bad, is it?” Videl chuckled

“It’s not that, Mom. I love you all. I don’t want to get away from you, just… Earth is where everything’s already happened. And I spent my days growing up in the worst of it. Like… I was late to a barbecue and got left with the salad. I feel trapped a bit, by all the… the… Urg, how do I put it?”

“Scars of the past?”

“Yeah, something like that!” Pan leaned her head against Videl’s shoulder “And the only way to escape those chains is be like the small blue bird that leaves the nest after someone sets it on fire. You know, the one that gets eaten but still feels brave and stunning and all those adjectives. If I get far enough away, I can… I can… I can be free to enjoy life, without the constant reminders. I can fight freely”

“Is this why you want to fight so much? Because you feel obligated to?”

“I don’t know. And that’s the worst of it. I love fighting, it’s amazing and I will always be proud of where I come from. But sometimes I wonder if that’s real, if that’s my feels and not just me trying to be something I’m not” She sighed as her mother’s arm moved to wrap around her waist, pulling the girl into a hug. “Bulma thinks it might be a Saiyan thing, that maybe I’m not thrown into life-or-death situations enough”

“I think she was joking”

“It would make sense though…” Videl’s eyes fell on her daughter for the moment, feeling completely helpless when it came to Saiyan matters. “So, that’s your dream? TO leave us here on Earth while you have the time of your life with intergalactic bug people?”

“Whoa! No! I wouldn’t leave you guys here, you’re all coming with me, of course”

“All? Who els-“
Pan sprang to her feet, her initially dreary look replaced with a giddy smile, her fingers digging into her pockets to pull out something she was quite eager to show. “All my friends and family! We can’t just stay a part, how’d you guys live without me there?”

Unfortunately for Videl, in the process of getting up so fast, Pan sent her mother face first into the mud. Without a word, the sighing mother scrapped away the dirt from her face as she got to her feet, trying to resist slapping the girl (Even if it wouldn’t affect the Saiyan) and simply looked at the picture. It was an old and crumbled piece of paper, obviously more than a few years old, and with the use of crayon and stick figures Videl hoped this wasn’t Pan’s best attempt at drawing.

“TADA, Pan’s Ultimate Spectacular Amazing Super Tasty Sexy Plan!” Pan pointed to a piece of the paper that showed two stick figure, one orange with ‘cool flames’ surrounding him and the other with doodles on it’s head reading ‘Girly hair’. “Step one: Daddy and Trunks kick Android butt” Opposite them two stick figures with stink lines are left on the floor crying. “Step two: Bulma makes the world suck less” And there the Bulma stick figure stood atop a giant candy cane. “Step three: Bulma builds a spaceship that’s straight out of the movies… And made of candy” Now the Bulma figure was being abducted by aliens. “Step four: Space, the first stop is the moon made of cheese”

This lead Pan’s finger to the back of the paper where a large mess of colour was drawn, as if a crayon had vomited all over the sheet. “Here’s me…” Pan was driving a motorcycle in front of an impressive ship, plenty of cheeses in hand, and wearing shades. “And you’re, uh…” Videl’s eye twitched once more upon seeing the stick figure of her, who was being carried away by cheese people with the words ‘Nagging Nacy’ over her head. “And there’s Trunks in the sky, because he has no sense of dramatic timing” The sword on his back was bigger than his entire body. “Bulma is making sure that the ship is in tip-top shape…” The Bulma figure was sunbathing on top of the ship, a drink in one hand and a wrench in the other. “And Dad’s there… Holding my hand while on the back of the motorcycle…” It was completely unsafe. “And I added in 16 a few years later, because there’s no way he’d miss this chance”

16 was sitting with the singing cheese people, shades on while he played the saxophone. Videl was quite confused. “Why is there so much fire everywhere?”

“I was little, fire meant cool…”

“You think Bulma will build you a ship?”

“Trunks said she would totally do it, and if not, we’d just build it ourselves!” Said Pan in a rather loud tone, proclaiming with her finger extended. “I mean, yes, he was like… Ten when he said that. But he PINKY promised me that someday, after the androids were destroyed, he’d get us into space. And then we’d find that place Dad went to when everyone died before, Namek, and get all our family and friends back” She slammed her fist into her palm. “And all with rock songs blasting in the background to make it a super cool adventure”

“It’s a nice dream…” Videl rolled her eyes, sighing at the girl and getting to her feet. It was about time she headed to bed, or at least try to. “Come now, you’ve got to get some rest. If you just keep training all the time you’ll start harming the progress you’ve made, and then how will you win the prize money to pay for my window”

“But I’ve just got too much energy! A few more minutes, I promise I won’t hit our house… Can’t say the same for the neighbours”

It was going to be a long night.[/spoiler]
When Super apparently shoves Goku down our throats:

Kanassa wrote:
FoolsGil wrote:I hope Mark is dead. But chances are the dragonballs will bring his stupid ass back. :D
- FoolsGil, Out of Context, 2017

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Re: Fanfiction: Dragon Ball - Another Road

Post by Gog » Thu Jun 29, 2017 12:18 am

Huh, I like the reference to Lord Beerus, is he going to show up or is that spoilers? You know, now that its mentioned was that Pan's best attempts at drawing? Or did she rush it. Actually, you know now that I think about it Pan wouldn't have gotten a good education here, which explains why she's incredibly naive here. Also, that Heatap reminds me an awful, heck lot of TFS :P Regardless, your chapters are reaching the level of quality where I'm struggling on how to critique them. :D

Another entertaining, well written chapter, as usual.

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Re: Fanfiction: Dragon Ball - Another Road

Post by Kanassa » Thu Jun 29, 2017 12:42 am

Gog wrote:Huh, I like the reference to Lord Beerus, is he going to show up or is that spoilers? You know, now that its mentioned was that Pan's best attempts at drawing? Or did she rush it. Actually, you know now that I think about it Pan wouldn't have gotten a good education here, which explains why she's incredibly naive here. Also, that Heatap reminds me an awful, heck lot of TFS :P Regardless, your chapters are reaching the level of quality where I'm struggling on how to critique them. :D

Another entertaining, well written chapter, as usual.
Well, Lord Beerus is kind of dead in this timeline... It'll be hard to get him :D

Hey, Pan had the best education. SATAN EDUCATION! Which scene do you prefer? Cooler's or Pan's? And did Videl have that problem of being too much like Pan again?
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Kanassa wrote:
FoolsGil wrote:I hope Mark is dead. But chances are the dragonballs will bring his stupid ass back. :D
- FoolsGil, Out of Context, 2017

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Re: Fanfiction: Dragon Ball - Another Road

Post by Gog » Thu Jun 29, 2017 12:58 am

Kanassa wrote:Which scene do you prefer? Cooler's or Pan's? And did Videl have that problem of being too much like Pan again?
Well, Pan is just the more endearing character as much as it pains me to admit it. And her scene was incredibly cute while also helping to solidify her character motivations. But, I prefer Coola's scene more for how you wrote it, and the sense of purpose of it, there was also the solidification that Coola has the same fear of the Super Saiyan, Coola Armoured Squadron banter. Coola's character is also a joy to read as well.

So, Coola's scene was my favorite. :D

Yeah, Videl, and Pan weren't similar in this chapter. She's far more laid back, and cautious in comparison to her daughter.

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Re: Fanfiction: Dragon Ball - Another Road

Post by Kanassa » Thu Jun 29, 2017 12:06 pm

Gog wrote: Well, Pan is just the more endearing character as much as it pains me to admit it. And her scene was incredibly cute while also helping to solidify her character motivations. But, I prefer Coola's scene more for how you wrote it, and the sense of purpose of it, there was also the solidification that Coola has the same fear of the Super Saiyan, Coola Armoured Squadron banter.
I think that's less the quality of the characters themselves and more just what each scene sets out to achieve. Pan's scene to expand upon her character and look more into what her character arc will be as well as setting up just how close she is to some of the other important characters and revealing her own sense of self doubt with her questions of whether her passions are her own or not.

Where a with Cooler's scene, it revolves around the question of what he's going to do, expands upon what he wants and shows more of the plot moving forward. But it also looks into how prior scenes will effect the dynamics of other characters, gives more implications on the state of the greater universe and the saiyans effects. With Pan's scene, it was really just about HER. With Cooler's scene, it was about multiple characters and the mechanics of the plot itself.

So, no matter how crappy or good these would come out, Cooler's scene was probably bound to be the more interesting because it sets out to do more.
Coola's character is also a joy to read as well.
Could you expand on that? I think I did more with Salza's character here (Abeit through Cooler's thoughts) than Cooler himself.
When Super apparently shoves Goku down our throats:

Kanassa wrote:
FoolsGil wrote:I hope Mark is dead. But chances are the dragonballs will bring his stupid ass back. :D
- FoolsGil, Out of Context, 2017

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Re: Fanfiction: Dragon Ball - Another Road

Post by Gog » Thu Jun 29, 2017 7:11 pm

Kanassa wrote:
Coola's character is also a joy to read as well.
Could you expand on that? I think I did more with Salza's character here (Abeit through Cooler's thoughts) than Cooler himself.
Well, I simply enjoy Coola's character more than I do than Salza's it's also really fun seeing him work out what happened to the androids, and realizing that there must be someone still on Earth capable of defeating them. acknowledging the fact that, that might not be the case was a nice touch as well for his character.

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Re: Fanfiction: Dragon Ball - Another Road

Post by Kanassa » Tue Jul 04, 2017 9:39 pm

Chapter 19: Without You & Me
[spoiler]Pressure rained down like the world harshest storm of hail, gravity itself pounding against every inch of Trunks’s body from his flesh to his bone to his sou. Crimson painted the walls of the boy’s psyche, every inch taken over by the oppressive colour, everything at the mercy of gravity. Gravity, a drowning sailor clawing at Trunks for any hope to take someone else down with them, hoping to crush his wind pipe and his spirit.

With every raise of his leg to kick, there was a ghostly hand discouraging his body to sour through the gravity room. With every punch, a waterfall of sweat exploded from his chest, pulling out a wheezing cry for a break, for another reason to stop. But he couldn’t stop. He told himself that he couldn’t stop. Gohan would tell him he had to keep going. His father would barely acknowledge him, touting that a true Saiyan’s bones wouldn’t whine so much. And Pan would probably just slap him on the ass and shout words of ‘encouragement’ for him to ‘Do it, Champ!’ or something nonsensical like that.

He could always hear those voices beating him over the head every moment of difficulty. It had started when he was a child who had never met his father; he had imagined Vegeta’s voice to be a mix of loving and gruff, since his mother had built up the image of a man who was ‘unique’ with how he showed affection. The only memory Trunks had of Vegeta at the time was one single prideful boast the man had made in response to the android threat. “I, the prince of all Saiyans, will not bow down to junk out of a scrap heap!”

That single proclamation of cockiness was all Trunks had. As a child, he tried to follow that memory, to be strong enough to say such things with such assurance. Did that make him crazy? With another kick to the air Trunks landed on the steel floor, the increase in gravity already apparent like a powerful chain sprouting from the ground suddenly and latching on to him. The voice of his father let out a grunt of disapproval at his expense.

After Gohan’s death, naturally he found his late mentor’s voice adding to the weight on his mind. And really, he was the most annoying. “It’s okay, Trunks. Lots of people let their friends die. I’m not mad. I should have picked a better student” Vegeta would tell you how much you screwed up to your face through growls, but Gohan’s voice had taken to some passive-aggressive crap that Trunks REALLY did not like. “Good job with my daughter. She can climb mountains and you only sexually harassed her once! I mean, with you, the path to success is a pretty low bar, but you can still feel achievement with that. Even if she did do most of the work”

The pressure continued to rise, clutching at his soul, crushing his windpipe, clamping down on his heart. Even after the destruction of Android 18 and 17, he didn’t lose his chains, the ghosts of his past failures still gripped at his ankles. Taking away every sense of success he thought he found. There wasn’t any peace, or quiet. No matter how high he climbed, no matter what he did, it was never enough. He couldn’t escape those voices.

“You can never escape us” Android 18 laughed at his pain, her lips twisting into a sinister grin, offering no time for Trunks to block before her fist slammed into his stomach; sending him backwards. “You’re just to pathetic”

His head felt itself slam into the hard metal chest of the brother, 17’s eyes lighting up with glee. “Too stupid, too childish” Trunks wanted to raise his arms and fight, but the android had him locked in a pain grip, his arms bent around his back before the Android’s foot slammed into the back of his leg. With a sickening crack Trunks felt the impact shatter the join between his knee and thigh, sending him to the floor and leaving the boy hobbling towards the centre of the gravity room where the controls lied.

“Too weak” The two spoke in unison, their voices like a chorus to his failed rhythm, advancing upon his eardrums slowly, their words etching into his heart. “It’s your fault, Trunks” They towered over him, their forms fading into red eyed silhouettes that only grew larger with each breath. “But, then again, maybe you wanted it this way” A cold, empty chuckle. No retort offered. “You wanted Gohan dead. He was the one keeping you down, getting in your way, locking away your potential” A flash overtook the two, blinding Trunks. “Without you, he would have had his arm. Without you he would have live”

Their laughs were joined by those of the other androids, the silhouettes of the devil’s pair splitting off to form 13’s bulking form, 14’s short statue, Gero’s crooked
frame. And so within moments, in a blink of an eye, the Ultimate creation stood its ground before Trunks, a finger outstretched to poke the point on his chest where a hole had once been. “We can see it Trunks. That blood pumping through your veins, that demons in your eye, that poison tearing at your soul. That Saiyan side you’ve always wanted to unleash. That Gohan locked away”

“I’m a half-breed-“

Another laugh from Cell, the perfect being taking away all the breath Trunks could muster with his very presence. “It may only be half, but it screams, it yearns. Deep down you are a Saiyan. That’s why you made me, didn’t you?”

“I didn’t!”

“Ohhohohoho. But Trunks, was it not you who lured me to a timeline where my full potential could bloom? Was it not your meddling with time that made It possiable for me to ‘reunite’ with my dear sister and brother? Was it not you who hid your shiny new form so that I could reach a power that could challenge you?” The monster’s large tail manifested in his shadow, hanging over him, teasing him. “Without you, I would have never become perfect”

“Without you, I would have lived” Gohan chimed in

“Without you, I wouldn’t be disappointed father” Vegeta snarled

“Without you, I would have my loving daddy” Pan yelled through tears

“Without you, I wouldn’t have been reactivated” 13’s laughter plagued his mind that smirk engraved into his past.

“Without you, life could have been so much more” They all chimed in unison.

“Face it, Trunks” Cell’s tail rose up high, the sharp tip gleaming in excitement for the killing blow. Trunks’s hand moved up the console of its own volition, gliding
across the keyboard. “Without you, everyone would be better off” Trunks’s eyes rose to face the gleaming point of the tail as it descended, lunging forward to embed itself in the boy’s head. He accepted it, he was ready to feel his life end, but just before the tail hit it’s mark his hand slammed down on the off-switch.

In an instant, the red hue was drained away from the room, peeling away the various silhouettes of his nightmares from the tapestry of his failures. The bright colours were replaced with the bland and saturated colour pallet of the grey gravity chamber, the rest of his body collapsing to the floor in a heap of his own sweat, bruises scraping at his upper arm. Yet again, Trunks was left alone, the only company being the cold and unsympathetic air, and his thoughts. All looking down on this pitiful creature.

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry… I’m sorry… I just want to make things better. I just want to be with them” His body shook, but his arms were unable to come to his aid as despair pulled at his throat; silencing him. “I’ll make things right. I’ll make things better. And then I’ll go, and I won’t trouble this planet any longer”
With his broken leg laying slumped on the floor, and fatigue catching up to his eyes after taking out his muscles, Trunks could only call out into the darkness. “Then can I be free? Can I be forgiven?”
And he would never receive a reply.
[/spoiler]
When Super apparently shoves Goku down our throats:

Kanassa wrote:
FoolsGil wrote:I hope Mark is dead. But chances are the dragonballs will bring his stupid ass back. :D
- FoolsGil, Out of Context, 2017

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Re: Fanfiction: Dragon Ball - Another Road

Post by Gog » Tue Jul 04, 2017 11:05 pm

First things first, I loved the creative use of words in this chapter. You easily managed to create an incredibly emotional, thrilling, and scary ride. Distorting the viewers perspective, making me feel anxious for Trunks himself. This is my favorite chapter so far. There's only one nitpick I have of this chapter, an I would say Dr. Gero should have been in Cell's position here, it seems more poetic that it would be him.

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Re: Fanfiction: Dragon Ball - Another Road

Post by Kanassa » Tue Jul 04, 2017 11:10 pm

Gog wrote:First things first, I loved the creative use of words in this chapter. You easily managed to create an incredibly emotional, thrilling, and scary ride. Distorting the viewers perspective, making me feel anxious for Trunks himself. This is my favorite chapter so far. There's only one nitpick I have of this chapter, an I would say Dr. Gero should have been in Cell's position here, it seems more poetic that it would be him.
Thing is, Trunks has never met Dr Gero before (Which is why Gero is only a side silhouette), so it would be strange for Trunks's biggest fear and pain to be represented by him. Plus, Cell is also the one who Trunks knows has killed him before and has much more personal responsibility perceived.

Do you think the fears Trunks is facing here make sense? Or is it confusing?
When Super apparently shoves Goku down our throats:

Kanassa wrote:
FoolsGil wrote:I hope Mark is dead. But chances are the dragonballs will bring his stupid ass back. :D
- FoolsGil, Out of Context, 2017

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Re: Fanfiction: Dragon Ball - Another Road

Post by Gog » Tue Jul 04, 2017 11:16 pm

Kanassa wrote: Thing is, Trunks has never met Dr Gero before (Which is why Gero is only a side silhouette), so it would be strange for Trunks's biggest fear and pain to be represented by him. Plus, Cell is also the one who Trunks knows has killed him before and has much more personal responsibility perceived.

Do you think the fears Trunks is facing here make sense? Or is it confusing?
You have a point there, but it would have been a nice touch to have Dr. Gero as the biggest shadow, and behind all of them. Representing him as the one who started all of this.

They made sense, you conveyed them excellently. :)

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Re: Fanfiction: Dragon Ball - Another Road

Post by Kanassa » Tue Jul 04, 2017 11:21 pm

Gog wrote:
You have a point there, but it would have been a nice touch to have Dr. Gero as the biggest shadow, and behind all of them. Representing him as the one who started all of this.
While I do see the poetic meaning there, the factor of Trunks's fear here is he feels he holds personal responsibility for the terrible actions these people have taken. Which is why all of them are connected to his shadow. So, Gero being represented as the one who started it all goes against that this is Trunks's fears about himself.
They made sense, you conveyed them excellently. :)
You sure? Want to make sure I didn't mix up what Trunks's actual fear is here. Also, did the serious nature of the writing here clash with the few jokes that were there? Like, Trunks predicting that Pan would smack his ass or Gohan's voice commenting on Trunks accidentally copping a feel a few chapters back?
When Super apparently shoves Goku down our throats:

Kanassa wrote:
FoolsGil wrote:I hope Mark is dead. But chances are the dragonballs will bring his stupid ass back. :D
- FoolsGil, Out of Context, 2017

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Re: Fanfiction: Dragon Ball - Another Road

Post by Gog » Tue Jul 04, 2017 11:29 pm

Kanassa wrote: While I do see the poetic meaning there, the factor of Trunks's fear here is he feels he holds personal responsibility for the terrible actions these people have taken. Which is why all of them are connected to his shadow. So, Gero being represented as the one who started it all goes against that this is Trunks's fears about himself.
Ah, gotcha then.
You sure? Want to make sure I didn't mix up what Trunks's actual fear is here. Also, did the serious nature of the writing here clash with the few jokes that were there? Like, Trunks predicting that Pan would smack his ass or Gohan's voice commenting on Trunks accidentally copping a feel a few chapters back?
Nah, those didn't feel like jokes, but more so what the characters would actually have done, and would have said in the situation. The way you wrote it didn't clash with the tense heavy atmosphere you built up. And, the joke with Gohan I'm undecided on, on one hand it really doesn't feel like something Gohan would have done, and it just feels off in the scene itself, but on the other hand its still an illustration of Trunk's fears, and responsibilities. Of course the main problem I have with the two jokes is they hurt the flow of the chapter itself.

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Re: Fanfiction: Dragon Ball - Another Road

Post by Kanassa » Tue Jul 04, 2017 11:31 pm

Gog wrote:Nah, those didn't feel like jokes, but more so what the characters would actually have done, and would have said in the situation. The way you wrote it didn't clash with the tense heavy atmosphere you built up. And, the joke with Gohan I'm undecided on, on one hand it really doesn't feel like something Gohan would have done, and it just feels off in the scene itself, but on the other hand its still an illustration of Trunk's fears, and responsibilities. Of course the main problem I have with the two jokes is they hurt the flow of the chapter itself.
Actually, to make sure I conveyed it right: Could you please tell me how you interpreted the chapter?
When Super apparently shoves Goku down our throats:

Kanassa wrote:
FoolsGil wrote:I hope Mark is dead. But chances are the dragonballs will bring his stupid ass back. :D
- FoolsGil, Out of Context, 2017

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Re: Fanfiction: Dragon Ball - Another Road

Post by Gog » Tue Jul 04, 2017 11:32 pm

Kanassa wrote: Actually, to make sure I conveyed it right: Could you please tell me how you interpreted the chapter?
Well reading through the chapter, its Trunks struggling with the responsibilities, and fears of the past.

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Re: Fanfiction: Dragon Ball - Another Road

Post by Kanassa » Tue Jul 04, 2017 11:35 pm

Gog wrote:
Kanassa wrote: Actually, to make sure I conveyed it right: Could you please tell me how you interpreted the chapter?
Well reading through the chapter, its Trunks struggling with the responsibilities, and fears of the past.
And coming to the conclusion that after he makes sure the earth is safe, he should 'leave the planet alone'
When Super apparently shoves Goku down our throats:

Kanassa wrote:
FoolsGil wrote:I hope Mark is dead. But chances are the dragonballs will bring his stupid ass back. :D
- FoolsGil, Out of Context, 2017

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