General Fan Fiction Thread

Any general discussion regarding fan-created works of the Dragon Ball franchise, including AMVs, fan-art, fan-fiction, etc.

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FoolsGil
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Re: General Fan Fiction Thread

Post by FoolsGil » Sun Jul 08, 2018 2:14 pm

theTUN wrote:
Jackalope89 wrote:
theTUN wrote: Ok, if I'm being honest, I'm more interested in feedback on the story itself than the description lol.
A good summary can really help reel in readers. A quick summary of what will happen is usually how you want to do it. Like, what sort of rivalry do Cabba and Zellery have?

Would it be something like; "Dragon Ball Super: Secret of the Saiyans. Cabba comes across the plot of the villainous scientist Zeleri, and must do whatever he can to stop the villain! Before its too late."?

Or would it be more personal between them?
Ok, I understand the description needs to be worked on, but again, I'm much more concerned with feedback about the story itself.
I'll read your story, but the fact in the first chapter you can't even come up with a name of the school for Zeleri to go to, (IDK put the name of the school here) doesn't fill me with confidence.

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Re: General Fan Fiction Thread

Post by theTUN » Sun Jul 08, 2018 2:16 pm

FoolsGil wrote:
theTUN wrote:
Jackalope89 wrote: A good summary can really help reel in readers. A quick summary of what will happen is usually how you want to do it. Like, what sort of rivalry do Cabba and Zellery have?

Would it be something like; "Dragon Ball Super: Secret of the Saiyans. Cabba comes across the plot of the villainous scientist Zeleri, and must do whatever he can to stop the villain! Before its too late."?

Or would it be more personal between them?
Ok, I understand the description needs to be worked on, but again, I'm much more concerned with feedback about the story itself.
I'll read your story, but the fact in the first chapter you can't even come up with a name of the school for Zeleri to go to, (IDK put the name of the school here) doesn't fill me with confidence.
Fair enough lol. I meant to fix thst, I just don't think I ever updated it.

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Re: General Fan Fiction Thread

Post by FoolsGil » Sun Jul 08, 2018 5:07 pm

theTUN wrote:This story takes place pre-TOP, and follows Cabba and his conflict with an evil Saiyan scientist named Zeleri. It goes into Saiyan history and mythology a bit, although I might never finish it, since the movie will almost certainly contradict it and force me to rewrite the whole thing.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12608940/1 ... he-Saiyans

Anyways, feedback is appreciated.
Chapter One


Keep in mind I made the same mistake in the first chapter of my story, but in Chapter 1, a flashback/backstory of the Main characters life isn't a good way to start this. You should establish Zeleri's psychopathy before or after meeting with Cabba, and put the flashback later, preferably after he gets beaten up by Yarrow in prison.

Chapter Two


One thing, you need to establish scene and character changes. In the editing page of fanfiction you can place line breaks. You can also do line breaks in your word document.

Reason why I suggest establishing Zeleri's evil-ness early on, it comes out of left field that Zeleri is evil, and only decides to show he's evil after learning about what is a Super Saiyan from Cabba. Not only this, it just doesn't make sense he would start kidnapping random Saiyans to test on, instead of just bringing Cabba in for more tests. It's not as if Cabba had any reason to distrust Zeleri. It would be good to set up reasons why Zeleri chose to experiment on random Saiyans, instead of just using Cabba.

The scenes with the Galactic Patrol were funny.

Chapter Three


This is where you start to lose me.
-When did Zeleri have another Saiyan to test? How did he keep him hidden? Zeleri's mentioned he's been getting beaten by Yarrow 47 times. Whether it was every day for 47 days or every week for 47 weeks, but how did this hidden Saiyan not reveal himself until then? And also know the term Legendary Super Saiyan.

The Saiyans of U6 evolved differently from the Saiyans of U7. They even evolved past the point of having tails. So where did Zeleri suddenly get all this information about Super Saiyans and original Saiyans with tails? What book could he have read that, when someone as smart as him didn't know about Saiyans with tails until Cabba said it?

-Zeleri contacts Cabba to say paraphrased 'fight me fair, or you'll never see me again.' But in that same sentence he says he recognizes Cabba is a threat and needs to be dealt with. You should change Zeleri's line to something about attacking Cabba when he least expects it, or going after Cabba's family if Cabba doesn't comply.

Zeleri just had a power dampening headband on his person while fighting Cabba. Built based on the suppression cuffs Zeleri wore in prison. So how did Zeleri build the power needed to become a Super Saiyan against Zeleri if he was forced to wear those cuffs? Let alone just apparently fighting Cabba this whole time with them on his person and they didn't get damaged at all during this fight.

Cabba may know about the Super Dragonballs, but there's no reason to believe he knows there are Dragonballs on Namek.

Chapter 4


If I hadn't said I would read it, I would have quit here.

BS that the U6 Namekian elders would say anything about a password. Nail only said it when he was absolutely sure Dende and the others were going to get their wish before Freeza.

Not only did one of the elders teach Zeleri the password, he also taught him how to say the wish in Namekian? No. Just no.

After everything Zeleri done, it is out of character that when he wished this Saiyan back to life, he doesn't just kill her and use her corpse to find out what he needs. Alternatively, he could have just used the dragonballs to restore the ability to regrow a tail and become a Great Ape.

Chapter One and Chapter Two were all right, but when the plot starts bending over backwards for Zeleri in Chapter Three, that is a problem.

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Re: General Fan Fiction Thread

Post by theTUN » Sun Jul 08, 2018 5:26 pm

FoolsGil wrote:
theTUN wrote:This story takes place pre-TOP, and follows Cabba and his conflict with an evil Saiyan scientist named Zeleri. It goes into Saiyan history and mythology a bit, although I might never finish it, since the movie will almost certainly contradict it and force me to rewrite the whole thing.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12608940/1 ... he-Saiyans

Anyways, feedback is appreciated.
Chapter One


Keep in mind I made the same mistake in the first chapter of my story, but in Chapter 1, a flashback/backstory of the Main characters life isn't a good way to start this. You should establish Zeleri's psychopathy before or after meeting with Cabba, and put the flashback later, preferably after he gets beaten up by Yarrow in prison.

Chapter Two


One thing, you need to establish scene and character changes. In the editing page of fanfiction you can place line breaks. You can also do line breaks in your word document.

Reason why I suggest establishing Zeleri's evil-ness early on, it comes out of left field that Zeleri is evil, and only decides to show he's evil after learning about what is a Super Saiyan from Cabba. Not only this, it just doesn't make sense he would start kidnapping random Saiyans to test on, instead of just bringing Cabba in for more tests. It's not as if Cabba had any reason to distrust Zeleri. It would be good to set up reasons why Zeleri chose to experiment on random Saiyans, instead of just using Cabba.

The scenes with the Galactic Patrol were funny.

Chapter Three


This is where you start to lose me.
-When did Zeleri have another Saiyan to test? How did he keep him hidden? Zeleri's mentioned he's been getting beaten by Yarrow 47 times. Whether it was every day for 47 days or every week for 47 weeks, but how did this hidden Saiyan not reveal himself until then? And also know the term Legendary Super Saiyan.

The Saiyans of U6 evolved differently from the Saiyans of U7. They even evolved past the point of having tails. So where did Zeleri suddenly get all this information about Super Saiyans and original Saiyans with tails? What book could he have read that, when someone as smart as him didn't know about Saiyans with tails until Cabba said it?

-Zeleri contacts Cabba to say paraphrased 'fight me fair, or you'll never see me again.' But in that same sentence he says he recognizes Cabba is a threat and needs to be dealt with. You should change Zeleri's line to something about attacking Cabba when he least expects it, or going after Cabba's family if Cabba doesn't comply.

Zeleri just had a power dampening headband on his person while fighting Cabba. Built based on the suppression cuffs Zeleri wore in prison. So how did Zeleri build the power needed to become a Super Saiyan against Zeleri if he was forced to wear those cuffs? Let alone just apparently fighting Cabba this whole time with them on his person and they didn't get damaged at all during this fight.

Cabba may know about the Super Dragonballs, but there's no reason to believe he knows there are Dragonballs on Namek.

Chapter 4


If I hadn't said I would read it, I would have quit here.

BS that the U6 Namekian elders would say anything about a password. Nail only said it when he was absolutely sure Dende and the others were going to get their wish before Freeza.

Not only did one of the elders teach Zeleri the password, he also taught him how to say the wish in Namekian? No. Just no.

After everything Zeleri done, it is out of character that when he wished this Saiyan back to life, he doesn't just kill her and use her corpse to find out what he needs. Alternatively, he could have just used the dragonballs to restore the ability to regrow a tail and become a Great Ape.

Chapter One and Chapter Two were all right, but when the plot starts bending over backwards for Zeleri in Chapter Three, that is a problem.
Alright, I'll keep all of this is mind. I definitely need to do sone rewrites since most of this was made over a year ago.

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Re: General Fan Fiction Thread

Post by theTUN » Sun Jul 08, 2018 5:54 pm

FoolsGil wrote:
theTUN wrote:This story takes place pre-TOP, and follows Cabba and his conflict with an evil Saiyan scientist named Zeleri. It goes into Saiyan history and mythology a bit, although I might never finish it, since the movie will almost certainly contradict it and force me to rewrite the whole thing.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12608940/1 ... he-Saiyans

Anyways, feedback is appreciated.
Chapter One


Keep in mind I made the same mistake in the first chapter of my story, but in Chapter 1, a flashback/backstory of the Main characters life isn't a good way to start this. You should establish Zeleri's psychopathy before or after meeting with Cabba, and put the flashback later, preferably after he gets beaten up by Yarrow in prison.

Chapter Two


One thing, you need to establish scene and character changes. In the editing page of fanfiction you can place line breaks. You can also do line breaks in your word document.

Reason why I suggest establishing Zeleri's evil-ness early on, it comes out of left field that Zeleri is evil, and only decides to show he's evil after learning about what is a Super Saiyan from Cabba. Not only this, it just doesn't make sense he would start kidnapping random Saiyans to test on, instead of just bringing Cabba in for more tests. It's not as if Cabba had any reason to distrust Zeleri. It would be good to set up reasons why Zeleri chose to experiment on random Saiyans, instead of just using Cabba.

The scenes with the Galactic Patrol were funny.

Chapter Three


This is where you start to lose me.
-When did Zeleri have another Saiyan to test? How did he keep him hidden? Zeleri's mentioned he's been getting beaten by Yarrow 47 times. Whether it was every day for 47 days or every week for 47 weeks, but how did this hidden Saiyan not reveal himself until then? And also know the term Legendary Super Saiyan.

The Saiyans of U6 evolved differently from the Saiyans of U7. They even evolved past the point of having tails. So where did Zeleri suddenly get all this information about Super Saiyans and original Saiyans with tails? What book could he have read that, when someone as smart as him didn't know about Saiyans with tails until Cabba said it?

-Zeleri contacts Cabba to say paraphrased 'fight me fair, or you'll never see me again.' But in that same sentence he says he recognizes Cabba is a threat and needs to be dealt with. You should change Zeleri's line to something about attacking Cabba when he least expects it, or going after Cabba's family if Cabba doesn't comply.

Zeleri just had a power dampening headband on his person while fighting Cabba. Built based on the suppression cuffs Zeleri wore in prison. So how did Zeleri build the power needed to become a Super Saiyan against Zeleri if he was forced to wear those cuffs? Let alone just apparently fighting Cabba this whole time with them on his person and they didn't get damaged at all during this fight.

Cabba may know about the Super Dragonballs, but there's no reason to believe he knows there are Dragonballs on Namek.

Chapter 4


If I hadn't said I would read it, I would have quit here.

BS that the U6 Namekian elders would say anything about a password. Nail only said it when he was absolutely sure Dende and the others were going to get their wish before Freeza.

Not only did one of the elders teach Zeleri the password, he also taught him how to say the wish in Namekian? No. Just no.

After everything Zeleri done, it is out of character that when he wished this Saiyan back to life, he doesn't just kill her and use her corpse to find out what he needs. Alternatively, he could have just used the dragonballs to restore the ability to regrow a tail and become a Great Ape.

Chapter One and Chapter Two were all right, but when the plot starts bending over backwards for Zeleri in Chapter Three, that is a problem.
Ok, so, in terms of some possible fixes/explanations: The reason why he kidnapped a Saiyan instead of continuing to use Cabba is because he wanted to see a non Super Saiyan transform for the first time, so he could figure out how to do it himself. Cabba wouldn't work for this purpose since he was a Super Saiyan already. Maybe he wants to use some kind of experimental chemical to turn Yarrow into a Super Saiyan, but it ends up mutating him instead?

I definitely agree that Zeleri's motivation needed to be better introduced. Maybe I could establish that he's done similar things before this, but without getting caught, and never on this scale? Maybe King Sadal knew about it and chose to look the otther way?

As for the second Saiyan mutant, that's definitely a plot hole that needs to be fixed. I was thinking of making it so Zeleri's been out of prison for at least a week before Cabba and Callion go on their mission together, so he'd have enough time to make another mutated Saiyan.

And uh, I think it said that Zeleri got his knowledge of ancient Saiyans having tails from the ancient Saiyan archives he raided. If it doesn't say that now' I'll definitely change it so it does.

And uh, as for the suppression cuffs, I don't know if they'd necessarily take away a Saiyan's ability to receive Zenkai boosts from being injured? I don't know, I'd have to think about that. And I think I'll change it so he has the headband buried in the ash before the fight starts, so it's safe and hidden for him to dig up and retrieve at any time.

I'll have it so Cabba knows there are Dragon Balls because the Sadal Defense Force has been to Namek before, or something.

And uh, yeah, the whole thing with the Dragon Balls is pretty contrived, but it's also pretty essential to the later events of the story, so if you have any better suggestions for how to do it I'd love to hear them.

And lastly, I'll make it explicit that he chose to revive an ancient Saiyan instead of simply wishing for a tail because he both wanted to interact with an ancient Saiyan out of scientific curiosity, and he wanted to find a way to give a Universe 6 Saiyan a tail using his own knowledge rather than doing it with magic.

But yeah, thanks a lot for taking the time to read it and for giving me feedback.

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Re: General Fan Fiction Thread

Post by FoolsGil » Sun Jul 08, 2018 6:37 pm

theTUN wrote:
Ok, so, in terms of some possible fixes/explanations: The reason why he kidnapped a Saiyan instead of continuing to use Cabba is because he wanted to see a non Super Saiyan transform for the first time, so he could figure out how to do it himself. Cabba wouldn't work for this purpose since he was a Super Saiyan already. Maybe he wants to use some kind of experimental chemical to turn Yarrow into a Super Saiyan, but it ends up mutating him instead?
If that explanation is provided in story, that works.
And uh, I think it said that Zeleri got his knowledge of ancient Saiyans having tails from the ancient Saiyan archives he raided. If it doesn't say that now' I'll definitely change it so it does.
Where would he know where to look? At the very least in the first chapter, Zeleri should be in the process of researching the "missing link" and then Cabba's information helped Zeleri realize it isn't a theory. Then if he comes across any information there's precedent
And uh, as for the suppression cuffs, I don't know if they'd necessarily take away a Saiyan's ability to receive Zenkai boosts from being injured? I don't know, I'd have to think about that. And I think I'll change it so he has the headband buried in the ash before the fight starts, so it's safe and hidden for him to dig up and retrieve at any time.
Zenkai or not, if he can't call upon his chi to go super saiyan, then he can't go super saiyan. And there is still no reason to think the headband wouldn't be damaged in a battle with Cabba, even if he buried it somewhere.

And uh, yeah, the whole thing with the Dragon Balls is pretty contrived, but it's also pretty essential to the later events of the story, so if you have any better suggestions for how to do it I'd love to hear them.
And lastly, I'll make it explicit that he chose to revive an ancient Saiyan instead of simply wishing for a tail because he both wanted to interact with an ancient Saiyan out of scientific curiosity, and he wanted to find a way to give a Universe 6 Saiyan a tail using his own knowledge rather than doing it with magic.
He's already using magic to bring a Saiyan back to life so he shouldn't have a line about using magic on himself. though, there's no reason to think he needs the dragonballs when he's a genius. This Would stop the previous issue I had. Instead of Namekians being stupid for the sake of plot progression, he sciences life: And why not, Bulma made a machine that can go back in time why not restore life with science? Hell, he can make a time machine, grab that Saiyan and pull her into his time.

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Re: General Fan Fiction Thread

Post by Alruneia » Thu Jul 12, 2018 9:27 am

I wonder if there's any Broly fanfics out there that try to capture the "Broly MAD feel". As in, they're mostly made for comedic purposes (though there's usually a story there as well), and they use some of the traditional character roles that Broly MADs use, such as a protagonist Broly, a scheming Paragus, a butt-monkey Vegeta, a trash Goku, the Senzu Bean and 10-yen coin master Piccolo, and so on. Does anyone here know of something like that, preferrably in English?
(I'd make my own if I had the inspiration for it, but I'm already able to make actual Broly MADs, so it wouldn't be written anyway.)
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Re: General Fan Fiction Thread

Post by Dragon Ball Gus » Mon Jul 16, 2018 8:03 pm

Has anyone here read this crossover between Dragon Ball and The Wizard of Oz? It's really good and worth checking out.

https://m.fanfiction.net/s/6431960/1/Dragon-Ball-Oz
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Re: General Fan Fiction Thread

Post by ekrolo2 » Tue Jul 17, 2018 7:06 pm

As a fun little exercise, I've been thinking of some ideas for a Kanba back story. Since it's implied he's an ancient Saiyan, and is identified as being so evil, his very ki makes other Saiyan's go insane just from touching it, tying him to Yamoshi yields some potential. Yamoshi led a rebellion to eliminate the evil of the Saiyan race but ultimately failed and became a millenia old wandering spirit, Kanba being his enemy from the old days who was responsible for exacerbating the Saiyan's existing problems with his very presence could work as his history. It would also sort of re-introduce the original concept for Beerus, a malignant being who's presence corrupts people, into the series.

As an aside, what would be some alternate choices you guys would pick out for Prison Planet residents? Alternate as in not the obvious picks like Cell, Cooler,....
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Re: General Fan Fiction Thread

Post by Champa The Destroyer » Tue Jul 17, 2018 9:31 pm

I've been thinking about writing a story about an alternate history where Broly is picked up by Vegeta, Nappa, and Raditz shortly after Planet Vegeta's destruction. I would have a prologue or a chapter or two detailing how it happened and everything else, and then start right where the Saiyan Arc starts. The only problem is that I'm nervous about doing it, as it's the first story I've ever written. Well, besides a small "fanfic" I wrote when I was like 8 (that's hilarious to read :lol: )

Any thoughts?

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Re: General Fan Fiction Thread

Post by Jackalope89 » Tue Jul 17, 2018 10:10 pm

Champa The Destroyer wrote:I've been thinking about writing a story about an alternate history where Broly is picked up by Vegeta, Nappa, and Raditz shortly after Planet Vegeta's destruction. I would have a prologue or a chapter or two detailing how it happened and everything else, and then start right where the Saiyan Arc starts. The only problem is that I'm nervous about doing it, as it's the first story I've ever written. Well, besides a small "fanfic" I wrote when I was like 8 (that's hilarious to read :lol: )

Any thoughts?
Other than the general "PROOFREAD!" and what not?
(And you may be surprised how often that needs to be said to authors)
I prefer not to jump into other people's story ideas.

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Re: General Fan Fiction Thread

Post by Champa The Destroyer » Tue Jul 17, 2018 10:26 pm

Jackalope89 wrote:
Champa The Destroyer wrote:I've been thinking about writing a story about an alternate history where Broly is picked up by Vegeta, Nappa, and Raditz shortly after Planet Vegeta's destruction. I would have a prologue or a chapter or two detailing how it happened and everything else, and then start right where the Saiyan Arc starts. The only problem is that I'm nervous about doing it, as it's the first story I've ever written. Well, besides a small "fanfic" I wrote when I was like 8 (that's hilarious to read :lol: )

Any thoughts?
Other than the general "PROOFREAD!" and what not?
(And you may be surprised how often that needs to be said to authors)
I prefer not to jump into other people's story ideas.

Yes, I'll definitely proofread it. Since I don't go on the fanfiction website, would I just be able to put the first chapter in spoilers in this thread?

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Re: General Fan Fiction Thread

Post by Jackalope89 » Wed Jul 18, 2018 12:23 am

Champa The Destroyer wrote:
Jackalope89 wrote:
Champa The Destroyer wrote:I've been thinking about writing a story about an alternate history where Broly is picked up by Vegeta, Nappa, and Raditz shortly after Planet Vegeta's destruction. I would have a prologue or a chapter or two detailing how it happened and everything else, and then start right where the Saiyan Arc starts. The only problem is that I'm nervous about doing it, as it's the first story I've ever written. Well, besides a small "fanfic" I wrote when I was like 8 (that's hilarious to read :lol: )

Any thoughts?
Other than the general "PROOFREAD!" and what not?
(And you may be surprised how often that needs to be said to authors)
I prefer not to jump into other people's story ideas.

Yes, I'll definitely proofread it. Since I don't go on the fanfiction website, would I just be able to put the first chapter in spoilers in this thread?
A lot of people already do, or make a new thread for theirs. So, up to you.

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Re: General Fan Fiction Thread

Post by Kanassa » Wed Jul 18, 2018 1:20 am

Champa The Destroyer wrote:I've been thinking about writing a story about an alternate history where Broly is picked up by Vegeta, Nappa, and Raditz shortly after Planet Vegeta's destruction. I would have a prologue or a chapter or two detailing how it happened and everything else, and then start right where the Saiyan Arc starts. The only problem is that I'm nervous about doing it, as it's the first story I've ever written. Well, besides a small "fanfic" I wrote when I was like 8 (that's hilarious to read :lol: )

Any thoughts?
Can't really comment on the idea itself, Broly being with the Saiyan squad could be good (Though with Broly's situation, wouldn't he have gone beserk by this point?), but until you put in the details of how it's executed, what changes because of this and to what ends, what is there to really say?
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Re: General Fan Fiction Thread

Post by ekrolo2 » Wed Jul 18, 2018 9:41 am

Champa The Destroyer wrote:I've been thinking about writing a story about an alternate history where Broly is picked up by Vegeta, Nappa, and Raditz shortly after Planet Vegeta's destruction. I would have a prologue or a chapter or two detailing how it happened and everything else, and then start right where the Saiyan Arc starts. The only problem is that I'm nervous about doing it, as it's the first story I've ever written. Well, besides a small "fanfic" I wrote when I was like 8 (that's hilarious to read :lol: )

Any thoughts?
Personally, I'd do something a bit more radical: have Paragus and Broly eventually become a threat Freeza and his family & empire have to deal with. They start hearing reports of their men and worlds getting slaughtered by something powerful out in the fringes about 20 years after Planet Vegeta is destroyed, Freeza and the Ginyu Force go to investigate and run into Paragus and the mind controlled Broly with Freeza barely escaping alive by the skin of his teeth and needing to find some way to stop the Legendary Super Saiyan.
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Re: General Fan Fiction Thread

Post by Champa The Destroyer » Wed Jul 18, 2018 12:41 pm

Jackalope89 wrote:
Champa The Destroyer wrote:
Jackalope89 wrote: Other than the general "PROOFREAD!" and what not?
(And you may be surprised how often that needs to be said to authors)
I prefer not to jump into other people's story ideas.

Yes, I'll definitely proofread it. Since I don't go on the fanfiction website, would I just be able to put the first chapter in spoilers in this thread?
A lot of people already do, or make a new thread for theirs. So, up to you.
Ok, I'll probably post it in this thread if I do it.

Kanassa wrote:
Champa The Destroyer wrote:I've been thinking about writing a story about an alternate history where Broly is picked up by Vegeta, Nappa, and Raditz shortly after Planet Vegeta's destruction. I would have a prologue or a chapter or two detailing how it happened and everything else, and then start right where the Saiyan Arc starts. The only problem is that I'm nervous about doing it, as it's the first story I've ever written. Well, besides a small "fanfic" I wrote when I was like 8 (that's hilarious to read :lol: )

Any thoughts?
Can't really comment on the idea itself, Broly being with the Saiyan squad could be good (Though with Broly's situation, wouldn't he have gone beserk by this point?), but until you put in the details of how it's executed, what changes because of this and to what ends, what is there to really say?

My thoughts were that Vegeta, Nappa, and Raditz picked him up shortly after the destruction of Planet Vegeta (Broly would still be a baby), and the dynamic between Vegeta and Broly would have him stop at nothing to calm Broly down. It'll be explained more in the first and possibly second chapters too.


ekrolo2 wrote:
Champa The Destroyer wrote:I've been thinking about writing a story about an alternate history where Broly is picked up by Vegeta, Nappa, and Raditz shortly after Planet Vegeta's destruction. I would have a prologue or a chapter or two detailing how it happened and everything else, and then start right where the Saiyan Arc starts. The only problem is that I'm nervous about doing it, as it's the first story I've ever written. Well, besides a small "fanfic" I wrote when I was like 8 (that's hilarious to read :lol: )

Any thoughts?
Personally, I'd do something a bit more radical: have Paragus and Broly eventually become a threat Freeza and his family & empire have to deal with. They start hearing reports of their men and worlds getting slaughtered by something powerful out in the fringes about 20 years after Planet Vegeta is destroyed, Freeza and the Ginyu Force go to investigate and run into Paragus and the mind controlled Broly with Freeza barely escaping alive by the skin of his teeth and needing to find some way to stop the Legendary Super Saiyan.

That's a great idea! I might do both (as in two different stories). That would definitely raise some difficulties as to how Broly is stopped, if he even is, so I'll have to think about that.

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Re: General Fan Fiction Thread

Post by Alruneia » Wed Jul 18, 2018 12:55 pm

Champa The Destroyer wrote:
Jackalope89 wrote:
Champa The Destroyer wrote: Yes, I'll definitely proofread it. Since I don't go on the fanfiction website, would I just be able to put the first chapter in spoilers in this thread?
A lot of people already do, or make a new thread for theirs. So, up to you.
Ok, I'll probably post it in this thread if I do it.
Just keep in mind what I wrote in the first post:
Alruneia wrote:
  • Don't post your entire work in here, please! If it's large, say over 2000 words, it probably deserves its own thread.
...and you should be good!
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Re: General Fan Fiction Thread

Post by Champa The Destroyer » Wed Jul 18, 2018 1:13 pm

Alruneia wrote:
Champa The Destroyer wrote:
Jackalope89 wrote: A lot of people already do, or make a new thread for theirs. So, up to you.
Ok, I'll probably post it in this thread if I do it.
Just keep in mind what I wrote in the first post:
Alruneia wrote:
  • Don't post your entire work in here, please! If it's large, say over 2000 words, it probably deserves its own thread.
...and you should be good!

With that in mind, I'll probably create my own thread for it, I expect it to be a pretty long story.

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Re: General Fan Fiction Thread

Post by Vertical » Thu Jul 19, 2018 10:49 pm

Champa The Destroyer wrote:I've been thinking about writing a story about an alternate history where Broly is picked up by Vegeta, Nappa, and Raditz shortly after Planet Vegeta's destruction. I would have a prologue or a chapter or two detailing how it happened and everything else, and then start right where the Saiyan Arc starts. The only problem is that I'm nervous about doing it, as it's the first story I've ever written. Well, besides a small "fanfic" I wrote when I was like 8 (that's hilarious to read :lol: )

Any thoughts?
In all honesty, my first thoughts on this were that it sounded very similar to Dragonball Multiverse's Kakarot character. Powerful... a little crazy... and constantly being reigned in by Vegeta.

I'm not saying that's a bad thing, more... something you should be aware of. Whether inspired by the what-if character or simply following a similar train of thought by coincidence, you can use the DBM character (and the thoughts/opinions people have expressed about it) for your own benefit.
ekrolo2 wrote:Personally, I'd do something a bit more radical: have Paragus and Broly eventually become a threat Freeza and his family & empire have to deal with. They start hearing reports of their men and worlds getting slaughtered by something powerful out in the fringes about 20 years after Planet Vegeta is destroyed, Freeza and the Ginyu Force go to investigate and run into Paragus and the mind controlled Broly with Freeza barely escaping alive by the skin of his teeth and needing to find some way to stop the Legendary Super Saiyan.
I actually love the base idea of this... but would approach it slightly differently: You could use Broly as the catalyst for Freeza's fear of the Saiyans (and possibly Super Saiyan) and the eventual destruction of planet Vegeta.

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Re: General Fan Fiction Thread

Post by ekrolo2 » Fri Jul 20, 2018 5:16 pm

Vertical wrote:I actually love the base idea of this... but would approach it slightly differently: You could use Broly as the catalyst for Freeza's fear of the Saiyans (and possibly Super Saiyan) and the eventual destruction of planet Vegeta.
If nothing else, Broly has good versatility as a plot device in a lot of areas. You could insert him as an adversary to Yamoshi back in the old days, a catalyst for why Freeza is terrified of the Saiyan's or as a pawn in multiple different schemes from King Vegeta, Paragus or main Vegeta depending on the AU you want to do.

I've personally been considering an idea, not seriously but just for fun, where Paragus' plea of Broly being a great asset to Prince Vegeta gets listened to by his father. Instead of them being actually tossed aside, King Vegeta would stage their murders by actually send them away in secrecy, hoping to use Paragus & Broly as secret weapons to avenge the Saiyan's in-case the kings coup fails and Freeza exacts revenge on the entire species for defying him.
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