Broly, the Saiyan from Earth (Fan Fiction)

[cheddarsword]

Project canceled due to lack of creative skill. I sincerely apologize as this story is one worth telling. I wish I had the skill to tell it myself.

[Gog]

The chapter is way too fast. There's simply not enough time to get invested enough in a scene before the reader gets rocketed off to the next part. That's the biggest problem with this chapter. It feels more like a check list than an actual story. Take some time to describe Mt. Paozu Region, maybe put more emphases on Gohan, and Broly's relationship, add more smaller character interactions (perhaps Broly is conflicted with Gohan's kindness? Gohan's love of Broly?) . Just take your time with the story.

[emperior]

The chapter is way too fast. There's simply not enough time to get invested enough in a scene before the reader gets rocketed off to the next part. That's the biggest problem with this chapter. It feels more like a check list than an actual story. Take some time to describe Mt. Paozu Region, maybe put more emphases on Gohan, and Broly's relationship, add more smaller character interactions (perhaps Broly is conflicted with Gohan's kindness? Gohan's love of Broly?) . Just take your time with the story.

Why should he waste time by explaining pointless things? I like this chapter - it gets to the point relatively fast like in the main story. I actually can't read 99% of Dragon Ball fanfictions because of how long they are dragged out (most of them don't even end). It's a fan story based on a manga/anime, not a book, so I would actually like it if this guy actually manages to tell the end of his story unlike many DB fanfiction writers.

[cheddarsword]

The chapter is way too fast. There's simply not enough time to get invested enough in a scene before the reader gets rocketed off to the next part. That's the biggest problem with this chapter. It feels more like a check list than an actual story. Take some time to describe Mt. Paozu Region, maybe put more emphases on Gohan, and Broly's relationship, add more smaller character interactions (perhaps Broly is conflicted with Gohan's kindness? Gohan's love of Broly?) . Just take your time with the story.

Why should he waste time by explaining pointless things? I like this chapter - it gets to the point relatively fast like in the main story. I actually can't read 99% of Dragon Ball fanfictions because of how long they are dragged out (most of them don't even end). It's a fan story based on a manga/anime, not a book, so I would actually like it if this guy actually manages to tell the end of his story unlike many DB fanfiction writers.

This was my thoughts originally, but I did start a rewrite of the Prologue chapter. It's slow going because right now it's tough for me to concentrate and it's a little difficult to add things in some locations.

I think I may just put the rewrite on hold and just work on the true first chapter.

If I release the rewrite, I won't remove the old one, I'll just add it in as an optional read.

[Gog]

Why should he waste time by explaining pointless things? I like this chapter - it gets to the point relatively fast like in the main story. I actually can't read 99% of Dragon Ball fanfictions because of how long they are dragged out (most of them don't even end). It's a fan story based on a manga/anime, not a book, so I would actually like it if this guy actually manages to tell the end of his story unlike many DB fanfiction writers.

Those pointless things exist to flesh out the characters, get you invested in a scene, help add depth to the world at a hand. Can't tell you a single thing about Broly outside of what he eats, and that he's sad for Gohan's death, and that's the same for Gohan as well. The pacing is too fast for it to tell a proper narrative. I wouldn't call them pointless considering they are what makes up a story.

Dragon Ball is a completely different medium from this one, what works there simply does not function at all here. But, at the end of the day this Fanfiction is still a story, and every author wants their story to be good.

[Dbzfan94]

The chapter is way too fast. There's simply not enough time to get invested enough in a scene before the reader gets rocketed off to the next part. That's the biggest problem with this chapter. It feels more like a check list than an actual story. Take some time to describe Mt. Paozu Region, maybe put more emphases on Gohan, and Broly's relationship, add more smaller character interactions (perhaps Broly is conflicted with Gohan's kindness? Gohan's love of Broly?) . Just take your time with the story.

Why should he waste time by explaining pointless things? I like this chapter - it gets to the point relatively fast like in the main story. I actually can't read 99% of Dragon Ball fanfictions because of how long they are dragged out (most of them don't even end). It's a fan story based on a manga/anime, not a book, so I would actually like it if this guy actually manages to tell the end of his story unlike many DB fanfiction writers.

When there's not a visual aspect like the anime or manga that can't show scenery of describe emotions wordlessly via facial expressions, that "needless" stuff is very needed.

Not to say you need 10 paragraphs about what Mt. Paozu looks like, but a little more detail works wonders.

[cheddarsword]

NOTICE: First post update with Prologue (RE-WRITE).

As promised, I kept the original prologue.

That took me so long because I've been having a hard time focusing lately and i'm under some stress. I'm also still learning this whole "writing" thing. I know there are some areas that could be better but overall, this part of the story was just to establish Broly's replacing of Goku and to show how his time with Gohan was different. I also wanted to show more interaction between the two because I wanted to show just how close they were.

[cheddarsword]

Bumping this for the new chapter.

Also, all new chapters will be posted on a fan fiction site (likely fanfiction.net.). I may keep this topic updated with the release of new chapters, but at the very least I'll keep my Signature updated with the most recent info.

I do hope this is well recieved, but don't be afraid to give an honest opinion as that's more valuable to me than smoke up the ass.

And yes, this is generally flowing the same way as the original DB for now, and it will. As time goes on however, and Broly's path diverts from Goku's, things will get more varied and different.

[Gog]

Honestly, you really need to type paragraphs. Even then your story still lacks enough description for the second chapter, and in fact it's even less description than there was in the first rewritten chapter of yours. Also, try and state who said what because sometimes I would get lost in the second chapter because I didn't know whenever or not it was some character or another speaking the line. Which isn't something you actually want to happen to your readers.