A Galactic Patrol Prisoner Arc Rewrite - The Outline (Complete!)

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Ziegander
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A Galactic Patrol Prisoner Arc Rewrite - The Outline (Complete!)

Post by Ziegander » Sun Oct 18, 2020 6:53 pm

So, I've been fiddling with a rewrite of the Moro arc. It's just an outline with a few specifics. My goals were to give Moro a bit more personality, a bit more history, to flesh out his motivations and schemes a bit better, make him a much more magical villain, and overall help the arc flow more naturally.

Now that I've gotten to the ending of the arc, I'm taking the Merus thing in a different direction, and triggering Ultra Instinct with another character's death, rather than Merus.' Not only does this keep Merus around for the future, it also lends itself directly into material for a hypothetical next arc. I've still got some twists up my sleeve, but let me know what you think!


* THE OUTLINE *

The Setup

First Encounters

The Battle on Namek

Intermezzo

The Battle on Earth, Pt. 1 - Gohan and the Z-Fighters

The Battle on Earth, Pt. 2 - An Ill Omen

The Battle on Earth, Pt. 3 - Vegeta's Turn

Angels and Demons

Ultra Instinct, Perfected

Denouement

Finale
Last edited by Ziegander on Wed Oct 28, 2020 8:39 pm, edited 33 times in total.
I've begun a full-scale re-write of the Tournament of Power! Here's Ch. 1, here's Ch.
2
, and here's Ch.
3!

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Re: A Galactic Patrol Prisoner Arc Rewrite - The Outline (WIP, Lengthy)

Post by EGonzo » Sun Oct 18, 2020 11:37 pm

It's pretty good, but I think it's a little too complex for DB standards, especially the setup before Namek. After that it's really nice. The beauty of the show is that the stories are simple and easy to follow, making them accessible to everyone.
That said, the Black Arc tried to be complex too so maybe complex once in a while is the change modern DB needs

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Re: A Galactic Patrol Prisoner Arc Rewrite - The Outline (WIP, Lengthy)

Post by Ziegander » Mon Oct 19, 2020 11:04 am

EGonzo wrote:
Sun Oct 18, 2020 11:37 pm
It's pretty good, but I think it's a little too complex for DB standards, especially the setup before Namek.
I should amend "the setup" to make clear that not all of that is supposed to happen on panel/on screen. As it stands right now, "the setup" is more like notes to myself of stuff I wanted to keep in mind before plunging onward with the arc.
After that it's really nice. The beauty of the show is that the stories are simple and easy to follow, making them accessible to everyone.
That said, the Black Arc tried to be complex too so maybe complex once in a while is the change modern DB needs
Thanks! As far as complexity, my goal wasn't necessarily to make the arc itself more complex. In fact, quite the opposite, I'd say, but to sort of trim the fat where it dragged on while at the same time making Moro a bit more of a complex villain. So Moro gets some more to do, he gets some more character (hopefully), but I've tried to keep the pace moving throughout the different story beats while still giving characters a little more shine.

I'll keep working on it. :thumbup:

EDIT: Added more to the Angels and Demons spoiler and added a new spoiler. Arc's wrapping up, but there's still something new on the way. I hoped to make the "twists" in this rendition also a little less GOTCHA and a little more telegraphed, just because I felt a lot of the stuff that happened in the actual manga came across as bullshit asspulls. By setting Moro up as much more of an overtly magical villain, too, I think that helps a lot with not feeling blindsided by his abilities, and makes Moro lean on 7-3's "copy" ability far less, and my version of that is already changed from the original anyway.
I've begun a full-scale re-write of the Tournament of Power! Here's Ch. 1, here's Ch.
2
, and here's Ch.
3!

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Re: A Galactic Patrol Prisoner Arc Rewrite - The Outline (WIP, Lengthy)

Post by Femme Fatale Kikaza » Tue Oct 20, 2020 9:49 am

I honestly would've preferred this. Seriously, I felt Merus's death was not written well, especially after the whole planet merge. What a waste of a character.

Wait, why are Moro's fallen soldiers on the battlefield? Shouldn't they be in prison?
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Re: A Galactic Patrol Prisoner Arc Rewrite - The Outline (WIP, Lengthy)

Post by Ziegander » Tue Oct 20, 2020 11:15 am

Femme Fatale Kikaza wrote:
Tue Oct 20, 2020 9:49 am
I honestly would've preferred this. Seriously, I felt Merus's death was not written well, especially after the whole planet merge. What a waste of a character.

Wait, why are Moro's fallen soldiers on the battlefield? Shouldn't they be in prison?
No, no Moro still wishes the Galactic Prison destroyed and raises an army of prisoners to serve him. They still go planet hopping in the "Intermezzo," while Goku and Vegeta train, and they still go to Earth where the Z-Fighters train more seriously and give Moro and his soldiers a much better run for their money.
I've begun a full-scale re-write of the Tournament of Power! Here's Ch. 1, here's Ch.
2
, and here's Ch.
3!

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Re: A Galactic Patrol Prisoner Arc Rewrite - The Outline (WIP, Lengthy)

Post by Femme Fatale Kikaza » Tue Oct 20, 2020 12:03 pm

Ziegander wrote:
Tue Oct 20, 2020 11:15 am
Femme Fatale Kikaza wrote:
Tue Oct 20, 2020 9:49 am
I honestly would've preferred this. Seriously, I felt Merus's death was not written well, especially after the whole planet merge. What a waste of a character.

Wait, why are Moro's fallen soldiers on the battlefield? Shouldn't they be in prison?
No, no Moro still wishes the Galactic Prison destroyed and raises an army of prisoners to serve him. They still go planet hopping in the "Intermezzo," while Goku and Vegeta train, and they still go to Earth where the Z-Fighters train more seriously and give Moro and his soldiers a much better run for their money.
But shouldn't they have been recaptured? I mean, once they were defeated they'd be transferred back to prison right? Did they forget to recapture them?
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Ziegander
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Re: A Galactic Patrol Prisoner Arc Rewrite - The Outline (WIP, Lengthy)

Post by Ziegander » Tue Oct 20, 2020 1:16 pm

Femme Fatale Kikaza wrote:
Tue Oct 20, 2020 12:03 pm
Ziegander wrote:
Tue Oct 20, 2020 11:15 am
Femme Fatale Kikaza wrote:
Tue Oct 20, 2020 9:49 am
I honestly would've preferred this. Seriously, I felt Merus's death was not written well, especially after the whole planet merge. What a waste of a character.

Wait, why are Moro's fallen soldiers on the battlefield? Shouldn't they be in prison?
No, no Moro still wishes the Galactic Prison destroyed and raises an army of prisoners to serve him. They still go planet hopping in the "Intermezzo," while Goku and Vegeta train, and they still go to Earth where the Z-Fighters train more seriously and give Moro and his soldiers a much better run for their money.
But shouldn't they have been recaptured? I mean, once they were defeated they'd be transferred back to prison right? Did they forget to recapture them?
Good point. Hmm, maybe.

I hadn't actually specified what the Galactic Patrol had been up to, but pretty much, in this version they had only arrived after Gohan and the Z-Fighters had dispatched them, alongside Goku who immediately went in to fight Moro. I'll think about how I want to handle the GP from that point.
I've begun a full-scale re-write of the Tournament of Power! Here's Ch. 1, here's Ch.
2
, and here's Ch.
3!

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Ziegander
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Re: A Galactic Patrol Prisoner Arc Rewrite - The Outline (WIP, Lengthy)

Post by Ziegander » Tue Oct 20, 2020 3:12 pm

Added the Denouement spoiler. Pretty much done now, I just have to truly wrap things up and give a sense of where the arc would theoretically go from here.

You get a good sense of the way my rewrite is going to end quite differently than the official manga.
I've begun a full-scale re-write of the Tournament of Power! Here's Ch. 1, here's Ch.
2
, and here's Ch.
3!

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Re: A Galactic Patrol Prisoner Arc Rewrite - The Outline (WIP, Lengthy)

Post by Femme Fatale Kikaza » Tue Oct 20, 2020 6:35 pm

Ziegander wrote:
Tue Oct 20, 2020 3:12 pm
Added the Denouement spoiler. Pretty much done now, I just have to truly wrap things up and give a sense of where the arc would theoretically go from here.

You get a good sense of the way my rewrite is going to end quite differently than the official manga.
I like this one better honestly. Less loops and bs and powers given to Moro to justify him being a threat.
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Re: A Galactic Patrol Prisoner Arc Rewrite - The Outline (Almost Done)

Post by Ziegander » Tue Oct 20, 2020 7:10 pm

Ah, I forgot to add Vegeta knocking Omega/7-3 out of Moro, but you can easily imagine that happening before the sealing and Final Kamehameha.

I'll edit it in properly tomorrow.
I've begun a full-scale re-write of the Tournament of Power! Here's Ch. 1, here's Ch.
2
, and here's Ch.
3!

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Re: A Galactic Patrol Prisoner Arc Rewrite - The Outline (Almost Done)

Post by EGonzo » Tue Oct 20, 2020 9:09 pm

This is way way better than what we got. I would maybe take away the "training" speech, because that in the manga it was a last minute attempt to have a "theme" for the arc.

And on the skeletons, you could have Moro use the power to revive Namek corpses and use them against the two. Then when he uses it again on Earth (maybe reviving his dead troops?) it feels more natural

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Re: A Galactic Patrol Prisoner Arc Rewrite - The Outline (Almost Done)

Post by Ziegander » Wed Oct 21, 2020 12:18 am

EGonzo wrote:
Tue Oct 20, 2020 9:09 pm
This is way way better than what we got.
Bearing in mind, my outline is a purely derivative effort, because the arc really did start off very well, I thought, and had a lot of potential, and even throughout, all the way through to the end, the original, official story had a handful of very resonant beats. It's just...

That ending.

I had to work toward a different ending. So that necessitated a few changes throughout the arc.

We lost the fantastic Merus fight vs Moro, the amazing melee with incredibly well-drawn panels. I had to chop stuff like that to move the ending to a place that I felt was not only more consistent, but also left room for more adventure and more wonder in between this arc and the next rather than just, welp, let's all just get super strong so we can fight someone even more crazy powerful next time!
I would maybe take away the "training" speech, because that in the manga it was a last minute attempt to have a "theme" for the arc.
I'm keeping it as is, for now, though I tend to agree with what you're saying, it also sort of works into my "Goku gets too pissed off to maintain UI," thing I've got going, because... I think this arc is too early for Goku to be AT-WILL mastering Ultra Instinct, so... I get what you're saying, but that narrative serves my purposes for being something that's just continuing to push Goku into too strong an emotional state to maintain Ultra Instinct.

And... well... that plays into another theme I'm weaving in, but only subtly.
And on the skeletons, you could have Moro use the power to revive Namek corpses and use them against the two. Then when he uses it again on Earth (maybe reviving his dead troops?) it feels more natural
Awesome idea... I did edit things... it's not precisely what you suggested, though what you suggested is a good idea too. Let me know what you think of my latest edit in the "Denouement" spoiler.
I've begun a full-scale re-write of the Tournament of Power! Here's Ch. 1, here's Ch.
2
, and here's Ch.
3!

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Re: A Galactic Patrol Prisoner Arc Rewrite - The Outline (Almost Done)

Post by EGonzo » Thu Oct 22, 2020 1:38 am

Ziegander wrote:
Wed Oct 21, 2020 12:18 am
I'm keeping it as is, for now, though I tend to agree with what you're saying, it also sort of works into my "Goku gets too pissed off to maintain UI," thing I've got going, because... I think this arc is too early for Goku to be AT-WILL mastering Ultra Instinct, so... I get what you're saying, but that narrative serves my purposes for being something that's just continuing to push Goku into too strong an emotional state to maintain Ultra Instinct.

And... well... that plays into another theme I'm weaving in, but only subtly.
Good changes. The switching from UI to Super Saiyan is honestly inspired, man. Freaking fantastic stuff. I was mostly speaking of the speech about training, but if you need it to set something up go for it

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Re: A Galactic Patrol Prisoner Arc Rewrite - The Outline (Almost Done)

Post by Ziegander » Thu Oct 22, 2020 4:42 pm

EGonzo wrote:
Thu Oct 22, 2020 1:38 am
Ziegander wrote:
Wed Oct 21, 2020 12:18 am
I'm keeping it as is, for now, though I tend to agree with what you're saying, it also sort of works into my "Goku gets too pissed off to maintain UI," thing I've got going, because... I think this arc is too early for Goku to be AT-WILL mastering Ultra Instinct, so... I get what you're saying, but that narrative serves my purposes for being something that's just continuing to push Goku into too strong an emotional state to maintain Ultra Instinct.

And... well... that plays into another theme I'm weaving in, but only subtly.
Good changes. The switching from UI to Super Saiyan is honestly inspired, man. Freaking fantastic stuff. I was mostly speaking of the speech about training, but if you need it to set something up go for it
Yeah, it's for setting up future narrative seed.

Thanks for reading guys!

So, the finale is outlined and several new directions are foreshadowed or introduced as a consequence of what happened in this arc. Most excitingly for me is the notion of making DBS into an adventure tale again as much or perhaps more, even, than a fighting magazine. Bringing the story back to its roots while also moving things forward with a variety of characters. If I were to continue *this* manga, there are even some slice of life, b-plots, and even c-plots I'd be ready to mix in to spice things up and give side characters things to do.

I hope you enjoyed. Maybe I'll even outline the next chapter!
I've begun a full-scale re-write of the Tournament of Power! Here's Ch. 1, here's Ch.
2
, and here's Ch.
3!

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