Semi-Final - 2nd KSSTK

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LightBing
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Semi-Final - 2nd KSSTK

Post by LightBing » Sun Jan 03, 2016 8:22 pm

This thread is to read and vote for the story's of the 2nd Kazenshuu Short Story Tenkaichi Budokai. Check the main thread for more info, here.

This round had as a theme Boredom.

Please vote in the following manner:
Match (nº of the match)
I vote for (name of the user)
Input:(Observations, criticism, what have you...)

Deadline 10/01/2016 24:00 GMT

Thank you for voting!
You can check the results in the main thread.


Match 1
MozillaVulpix vs dae428
Written by MozillaVulpix
Written by dae428
Match 2
Kamiccolo9 vs LightBing
Written by Kamiccolo9
Written by LightBing
Match 3
jcogginsa vs Dragon Duck
jcogginsa didn't deliver his story.

Written by Dragon Duck

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Re: Semi-Final - 2nd KSSTK

Post by supercat » Mon Jan 04, 2016 2:34 pm

MozillaVulpix - Excellent story; illustrating Gohan's perspective during the Elder Kai ritual was certainly an interesting concept, and one that has grasped my interest. The only constructive criticism I could really offer is, perhaps you could consider ditching the word "half-saiyan," as it sort of came off as an unnecessarily complicated term that didn't blend too well with the story.

dae428 - Nice scenario; with the lack of material pertaining to Android 17, I'd say you provided the perfect opportunity for readers to catch a glimpse of his personal affairs. I could totally envision him just talking over his significant other just to get his point across.

Both of you have expressed the thoughts and perspectives of the characters you were writing about quite well. Since I feel you both deserve a vote, I'm opting into deeming my decision as a tie.

LightBing - Not feeling this story; the scenario itself wasn't terrible, but overall everything came across very "forced." It almost seemed like you were diverting all of your effort into the emphasis of your descriptions (which was primarily what appeared forced), while failing to give your plot the "kick" that it needs. Additionally, the topic that you selected had so much potential that I felt could really have been expanded in numerous ways.

Kamiccolo9 - didn't read

Dragon Duck - I know the theme was boredom, but candidly speaking, there wasn't anything appealing and/or exciting about your story in my opinion. I think I saw a spelling error somewhere in there as well. Regardless, I guess it worked out for you in the end since your opponent decided to drop out.
Last edited by supercat on Mon Jan 04, 2016 7:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Kamiccolo9
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Re: Semi-Final - 2nd KSSTK

Post by Kamiccolo9 » Mon Jan 04, 2016 4:34 pm

I feel the love.

I'll have my critiques up soon. Having internet issues at the moment.
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Re: Semi-Final - 2nd KSSTK

Post by Kamiccolo9 » Wed Jan 06, 2016 1:11 pm

Bumping because people need to vote.
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Cipher wrote:If Vegeta does not kill Gohan, I will stop illegally streaming the series.
Malik_DBNA wrote:
Scarz wrote:Malik, stop. People are asking me for lewd art of possessed Bra (with Vegeta).
"Achievement Unlocked: Rule 34"

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Re: Semi-Final - 2nd KSSTK

Post by LightBing » Wed Jan 06, 2016 3:33 pm

Thanks for the critiques supercat. The emphasis on the descriptions was on purpose, Goku isn't a guy who talks much and Gohan in the scenario doesn't have much to say. I wanted to paint a picture of a stale day, while staying loyal to the character traits. I agree it doesn't have any kick, my fault couldn't squeeze out the potential it had. Anyway, liked were I was going initially but failed to elaborate further; the ending is poor.

Why didn't you read Kamiccolo9 story? It would be nice to know who you vote for between us.

I will read all the story's tomorrow or the day after. I want to read them in one go, carefully.

Guys, please vote!

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Re: Semi-Final - 2nd KSSTK

Post by dae428 » Thu Jan 07, 2016 12:59 am

Match 2:

Kamiccolo9- I liked the story. It was short, simple, and straight to the point. Cell's bored, he doesn't know what to do, space sounds cool. However, I will say that the story didn't really come across as memorable and I felt that Cell's thoughts while definitely in character, were ultimately a bit shallow and maybe could've been explored more. Personally I feel that Perfect Cell kind of lacks the personality punch that Piccolo, Vegeta, Boo, and even Commander Red has, so honestly, if it were me writing the same scenario, I doubt I would've done nearly as good a job as you.

Lightbing- It was pretty good. The whole situation makes sense with Goku and Gohan given their personalities. However, the problem with the story is that they barely interact at all and the interactions they do have lack punch. Gohan comes across as a major buzz kill and Goku who I assume you're supposed to empathize with doesn't get enough screen time for me to actually really get invested into his character due to the shortness of the story. I feel like just saying what each character is doing without going further into the why of each of the characters really did hurt your story as the characters were for the most part just killing time. Still what dialogue was there was actually very good and I feel your writing was still very strong. Your story was just hampered by the fact that it was a bit rushed and too short to be fully live up to it's potential.

Winner:

I'm gonna have to give this one to Kamiccolo purely on the grounds that his story was more focused and, while not being as in depth as I personally would've liked, had a solid progression to the conclusion unlike Lightbing's story.

Match 3:

Dragon Duck- Eh... Sorry, but I felt this story was a bit bland... The whole scenario of Goku becoming bored after defeating Piccolo is understandable with Goku's character I guess, but you could easily create that scenario for any hero character really. I could easily insert Luffy, Ichigo, Natsu, or even Saitama (a parody of an OP superhero) into this kind of scenario where a character longs to go back to the good old days. The dialogue unfortunately doesn't help either. It doesn't sound like Goku to me.

jcogginsa- Absolutely amazing story! I'll never look at Tenshinhan the same way again! Dang man dat flow!

Winner:

Despite the fact that I think jcogginsa clearly produced the best piece of Dragon Ball fiction I've ever read, I'm gonna give this one to Dragon Duck because I'm pretty sure jcogginsa owes me 25 Schmeckels and still hasn't paid me back.

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Re: Semi-Final - 2nd KSSTK

Post by MozillaVulpix » Thu Jan 07, 2016 2:19 am

Match 2:

Kamiccolo9: Interesting idea! Cell thinking about leaving the planet to search for strong opponents is something I had never considered. If I have any criticism, it's that the tone feels a bit inconsistent. Sometimes Cell's inner monologue is incredibly eloquent and formal, while sometimes it slips into being a bit more casual.

LightBing: This was a very cute story! I loved the imagery and the mood you conveyed. It was really easy to picture a scenario like that happening in the story itself. There were some random tense changes, though, and I feel like you made the characters a little one-note. If Chi-Chi said he wanted Gohan to read, that'd be fine. You didn't need to have him politely write his name along with classical music.

I think I'll have to give the vote to Kamiccolo9. I think I found the concept a bit more intriguing, and it felt easier to read.

Match 3:

Dragon Duck: A great spin on the concept! I was always thinking of individual moments of boredom, but you chose to delve into Goku's situation at the start of the Z-era. He'd just be bored in general. The only thing is I felt like the speech seemed too...formal for Goku's inner monologue. It's why I've never written for Goku. Ever. His character is just so hard to write with complexity. Would he brood about moments? I don't even know if he would.

I kind of wish we had had more in this round. I missed the 1st round, and that seemed really popular.
I could have gotten into anything...and yet I chose the story aimed at young Japanese boys about martial arts, and later about super-powerful aliens punching each other really hard.

https://www.youtube.com/c/MozillaVulpix

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Re: Semi-Final - 2nd KSSTK

Post by Kamiccolo9 » Sun Jan 10, 2016 1:32 pm

Mozilla Vulpix for the first round. Don't really have time to throw in any critique, but I can shoot pm's around later if anyone wants. No real reason for me to vote in the other matchups.
Champion of the 1st Kanzenshuu Short Story Tenkaichi Budokai
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Cipher wrote:If Vegeta does not kill Gohan, I will stop illegally streaming the series.
Malik_DBNA wrote:
Scarz wrote:Malik, stop. People are asking me for lewd art of possessed Bra (with Vegeta).
"Achievement Unlocked: Rule 34"

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Re: Semi-Final - 2nd KSSTK

Post by LightBing » Sun Jan 10, 2016 2:40 pm

MozillaVulpix: It was a nice read. The story had great rhythm, the constant flow of thoughts, truly makes it feel like a mind searching for entertainment. My qualm is that I never thought that was Gohan, which affected my enjoyment of the story. In that situation I just can't picture him having those doubts and rationalizing some stuff like that. Still it was a piece of great writing.

dae428: Very cool choice of topic. I like the back-and-forth dialogue, it's a nice device to use here. The bitterness of #17 is well done. There are some flaws, the small Dragon Quest rant doesn't add anything to the story, it damages it instead. I had to gather myself after, to get back into it. The wife character is too accepting, nothing phases her. In the context, I just can't buy her reactions even if she's supposed to be a easy-going character. Too much important info from someone who has three kids with her. His comparison of his current life and the one he had before, feels like a backhand compliment and she just goes along with it.
She's basically a wall for #17 dialogue to bounce of.

I vote for MozillaVulpix.

Kamiccolo9: There's not much to say, it's a good short-story. The idea is great and Cell portrayal is on point. Just one thing, the end. It never amounts to anything, after all those thoughts he just brushes it off and procrastinates. That's the only part I disliked.

Dragon Duck: It was too short, which hurt it in my opinion. The scenario fits with the theme, but it's too wide. Besides the complaints about Chi-Chi's nagging you don't go into much detail. I also can't see Goku getting excited to see his friends, happy sure, but not much more.
You probably rushed to finish it in time for the deadline, it's apparent in the story. It had potential if it was expanded and elaborated upon.

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Re: Semi-Final - 2nd KSSTK

Post by dae428 » Sun Jan 10, 2016 3:19 pm

LightBing wrote:
dae428: Very cool choice of topic. I like the back-and-forth dialogue, it's a nice device to use here. The bitterness of #17 is well done. There are some flaws, the small Dragon Quest rant doesn't add anything to the story, it damages it instead. I had to gather myself after, to get back into it. The wife character is too accepting, nothing phases her. In the context, I just can't buy her reactions even if she's supposed to be a easy-going character. Too much important info from someone who has three kids with her. His comparison of his current life and the one he had before, feels like a backhand compliment and she just goes along with it.
She's basically a wall for #17 dialogue to bounce of.

I vote for MozillaVulpix.
I mainly added the Dragon Quest rant as a fun joke pointing to the people who have been critical of Toriyama's current style, but I can see how it could cause the story to get a bit messy and ruin the focus of the story. When writing the story I tried to make it very #17-centric so I can't deny that I she did kind of end up being a wall. In her dialogue, I tried to make her a very lax easygoing character that did get irritated and still have her limits (such as where she banned him from driving) as I feel that's probably the kind of character that would best suit #17. But I guess I failed to properly show that. I didn't try to make #17's comparison to his previous life to his current life into a backhand compliment at all though. His life was a free and wild one but ultimately empty and unfulfilling unlike his current life which while honestly humdrum is something he truly enjoys despite the fact that it was almost the exact opposite of what he wanted. In retrospect, I should've given more focus to the feelings of the characters as I guess some of the dialogue could have been interpreted in the wrong way. Eh, next time I guess... It might take a while, but I'm definitely going to eventually go further than one round! (Goes off to cry in corner)

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Re: Semi-Final - 2nd KSST

Post by DragonDuck » Sun Jan 10, 2016 6:00 pm

Thank you for the critique, guys! I can see that my story definitely could've been better, so I'll keep your words of wisdom in mind for my next story. In any case, I think you guys' stories were miles better than mine.

Now, on to voting.

MozillaVulpix: Great story! It puts into words the feeling of being bored very well, and the ending was - at least in my opinion - perfect. Really, the only criticism I have for the story is that the start of the fourth-to-last paragraph didn't really fit too well. Other than that, nice!

Dae428: Pretty good. Cyborg 17's dialogue was pretty dead-on, but the person he was talking to didn't really feel too fleshed out, and I feel like more could've been done with her.

MozillaVulpix gets my vote.

Kamiccolo9: Nice work as always. Maybe Cell's tone had a bit of an unnecessary switch at the end, but other than that, good story!

LightBing: It started out pretty great, but to be honest, it didn't really feel complete. The ending wasn't really an ending to me. Overall, the story is alright, but if it were cleaned up and given a more conclusive ending, it would have been great.

Kamiccolo9 gets my vote.
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