Dragonball Remix: A novel project

[Thanos6]

As I've said before, one of my little pet projects is to rewrite the entire Dragonball franchise (save GT) into a series of novels.

Well, I had a lot of free time at work tonight, so I decided to try my hand at doing some of it. This is what I came up with, my attempt at depicting Goku's first Super Saiyan transformation. Please bear in mind this was done completely from memory. I hope you like.

===

Slowly, dreading what they would see, they turned around and looked up. There he was, one foot perched on the lip of the newly-created cliff. His body was covered in cuts and gashes. One of his eyes was swollen shut. The tip of his tail was gone. But he was still radiating such an aura of power and menace and seething rage that even Goku was paralyzed from shock and fear. He had been grievously wounded. But Freeza was still alive, and as dangerous as ever.

"That nearly killed me," he said, his voice raspy. "I thought I was dead...I nearly was..." He lifted a hand almost lazily and pointed it towards them. "So die...just DIE!"

One of his thin death beams shot from his finger, drilling a hole through the left side of Piccolo's chest. Hurled backward by the force, the Namek vanished beneath the waves before he could do anything more than contort his face in pain and terror.

Freeza turned his focus to Kuririn. Reaching out with his incredibly developed mind, he grabbed him and began raising him up into the air. He lifted his hand higher and higher as a focus, Kuririn lifting with it. He squeezed his hand into a fist, and began to flood the little man's body with telekinetic energy.

His face was twisted in even more agony than Piccolo's had been. He had just enough time to scream out "Goku! Help me!" Then his chest began to expand and swell, and then--

--he exploded high above them. The charred remnants of his body began to fall, briefly, before being scattered by the winds.

Goku stared, a thousand emotions running through him, the opposite of the mask of horror his face had become. A tiny part of his mind remembered how, the first time Kuririn had been killed, a red haze had enveloped his vision. The haze was back now, but no longer red.

It was now a bright, shining gold.

"Hm hm hm," Freeza laughed softly, a bitter thing. "And now...for the boy--"

Son Goku screamed.

He had screamed before, of course, but never like this. For most of his life, he believed he was a human being. For the last several years, he had come to believe he was a special human being, different from all others. For just over a year, he had known that he was a member of the alien species known as the Saiyans.

Neither a human nor a Saiyan would have recognized the scream that now burst out of his lungs as something that a member of their species would make. It seemed like a sound from the depths of Hell itself.

As he screamed, the golden haze brightened--brightened--BRIGHTENED--

***

Freeza stared.

He had been about to redecorate the barren Namekian landscape with the brat's innards, and then go after the last monkey. He would give him a long, lingering, painful death that would make Vegeta's execution seem quick and easy. This would, nevertheless, have been merciful by his standards, as then he would at least be reunited with his child and friend in the afterlife. Then he would have fished that last pitiful Namekian from the water. He had recently become something of an expert on killing Namekians, and he was fairly sure he was still alive. He would have taken great pains to keep him that way; based on what he'd heard through Raditz, Nappa, and Vegeta's scouters on Earth, and what all these fools had said to one another during their battle with him, he had deduced that if he could keep the Namek alive, he could keep the Dragonballs on Earth active as well. He would journey there, and at last fulfill his desire of immortality.

That had been the plan.

But the plan had changed.

That Saiyan, Kakarotto--Son Goku--whatever he wanted to call himself--had changed. Freeza had thought the monkeys could only transform into larger monkeys, via their tails and either a full moon or one of those power balls. But this didn't resemble that at all. His hair had turned bright gold, the spikes flaring straight up. The dark irises of his eyes were now a shining, teal shade of green.

Two words kept running through his head like a drumbeat, no matter how hard he tried to suppress them.

Super Saiyan. Super Saiyan. Super Saiyan.

===

So, what did you think? Good? Bad? Any feedback, any feedback at all, is appreciated. I might write up and post some more!

[Bussani]

It's well written I think. Sounds like a fun project. Good luck with it. =D

[Conan the SSJ]

Looks quite interesting. Thinking I'd give it a read.

[SSj_Rambo]

Very well written, I enjoyed reading it. The only thing that I found wrong was that Piccolo did not fall into the water after being shot be Freeza in the manga (or anime), unlike what you said in paragraph 3.

One thing that I really liked was how you talked about Freeza "recently become something of an expert on killing Namekians", it really fit him.

[Thanos6]

Very well written, I enjoyed reading it. The only thing that I found wrong was that Piccolo did not fall into the water after being shot be Freeza in the manga (or anime), unlike what you said in paragraph 3.

Damn. I must have confused that in my head with the time Cell blasted him away. Well, like I said, I was working purely off memory.

One thing that I really liked was how you talked about Freeza "recently become something of an expert on killing Namekians", it really fit him.

Thanks. I was hoping I could do a good job of getting into his head.

***

OK, I'm going to do work on another sample tonight. I think I'll recreate a scene from one of the movies...

[Sprite Satan]

Much better than I thought it would be going into this topic. I'd actually read it in full.

One thing though. Freeza raising his hand lazily before killing Kuririn. After everything that's gone out, isn't this the point that Freeza's true psycho personality, not all that elegant polite crap, has come to the forefront? If so, maybe replace lazily with wearily?

[Thanos6]

Good point. I was trying to get just the right word but couldn't think of one. That works. I'll definitely change that for the final draft. Glad you enjoyed.

[VenomSymbiote]

Dude, this is really good. Keep it up!

[caejones]

So I wound up going into full review mode, and it took too long and I had to leave and haven't felt like getting it out and proofreading or anything...
Ur... so here you go.




Tres nice! I do look forward to these sorts of projects, and would be glad if you put up some more... XD.

With that said, I'm feeling like dissecting this bit and commenting on some specific stuffs...

Slowly, dreading what they would see, they turned around and looked up.

Without the previous stuff to work with, there's something rather lacking about this sentence... only reason it works is because we know what happened before and who's there and all. Hmm.

There he was, one foot perched on the lip of the newly-created cliff. His body was
covered in cuts and gashes. One of his eyes was swollen shut. The tip of his tail was gone. But he was still radiating such an aura of power and menace and seething rage that even Goku was paralyzed from shock and fear. He had been grievously wounded. But Freeza was still alive, and as dangerous as ever.

Meep! I can't decide if the details there are wicked awesome or overly telly... but I like the way we're brought to look at Freeza. (Actually, it almost reads like a pan upward shot; if the details were more descriptive than list-like (if that makes any sence), you'd have yourself a nice picture there...).
Actually, I like how each detail gets its own sentence that isn't overly wordy. Could use some color / sound / motion / etc, but yeah...
Somehow, though, the way we're kind of disconnected from the characters, and yet try to focus on them... I dunno, it feels like the perspective is hard to get immersed into?

"That nearly killed me," he said, his voice raspy. "I thought I was dead...I nearly was..." He lifted a hand almost lazily and pointed it towards them.
"So die...just DIE!"

At first, it's all like he's struggling for control of himself, and gets it... almost lazily raising his hand, and then in the next instant he's yelling at them to die. Freeza losin' it!

One of his thin death beams shot from his finger, drilling a hole through the left side of Piccolo's chest. Hurled backward by the force, the Namek vanished
beneath the waves before he could do anything more than contort his face in pain and terror.

Eek, 't'was fast...
Kinda confusing with the setting, actually... mostly because it happens in a really brief space, and the details suddenly pop up at the end after the attack itself and the injury fly by ... ur... like a deathbeam.

Freeza turned his focus to Kuririn. Reaching out with his incredibly developed mind, he grabbed him and began raising him up into the air.

Hmm. This is all happening crazy quickly... kinda lifelessly, like the characters aren't even there. And... yeah... the telekinesis sentence doesn't work so well for me.
(Tehehehe. I think I'm overdoing this. . I mean, 's'not like this's a ultra final draft of literary awesomeness seeking publication by Bird Studios, right? Though in my defense, a few of these things were kinda distracting on my first read through... ^^ ).

His face was twisted in even more agony than Piccolo's had been. He had just enough time to scream out "Goku! Help me!" Then his chest began to expand and
swell, and then--

--he exploded high above them. The charred remnants of his body began to fall, briefly, before being scattered by the winds.

... And yet, somehow, it feels like it just kinda happens. dunno, maybe I'm more out of it than I realize...

Goku stared, a thousand emotions running through him, the opposite of the mask of horror his face had become. A tiny part of his mind remembered how, the
first time Kuririn had been killed, a red haze had enveloped his vision. The haze was back now, but no longer red.

It was now a bright, shining gold.

I kinda skimmed this part the first time, for some reason... It doesn't seem like much at first, but saved toward the end with the comparison between Freeza and Tamberine... Swift!

"Hm hm hm," Freeza laughed softly, a bitter thing. "And now...for the boy--"

... I like this part, though it has more to do with the structure than the content.

Meep, I don't have time to go over the rest (and this post is a mess anyway... XD ).
My biggest complaint here is that it feels like a series of events; we get some emotional intensity in a few parts (Goku? Though ... Hmm. And Freeza, but ... I don't know what to make of his intraspection there.). Were you shooting for crazy perfect awesome of death, the old addage of "show don't tell" seems like it'd be useful.


Still, I enjoyed reading it.

[Thanos6]

I'm quite glad for the critcism. I quite agree with a lot of what you said, actually. This was definitely just a first draft, thrown together at work during spare time without access to the manga or anime. I just wanted to see if I had the skill necessary, and I wanted to see if I was good enough that anyone else would read it.

Trust me, if I ever get around to writing the whole series, I'll definitely expand this bit and add more emotional connection and such.

*turns to everyone else* See? This is constructive criticism. More of this, please.

[Thanos6]

OK, here's another sample. This is from the climax of The World's Strongest.

===

"What the hell...what the hell is he planning?"

If Dr. Wheelo's metal body could have trembled, it would have. The energy fluctations had all flowed toward his laboratory, toward, he was sure, Son Goku. Whatever it was he was trying to do, he couldn't be allowed to do it. Extending his clamshell-claw towards Earth, and cursing his lack of foresight in failing to install long-range targeting programs, he began to spray a quick series of energy blasts, hoping that what he lacked in pinpoint accuracy could be remedied by sheer numbers.

***

He was almost done. Almost done.

There.

He had gathered enough ki now, enough to form a Genki Dama that would surely destroy the crazed scientist. He drew his right hand behind him, focused the energy, concentrated it--

He had only a split second of warning, and it wasn't enough. A blindingly fast series of beams was raining down, and before he could react, one slammed into him with crushing force.

Gohan and the others could only stare in shock. Not only had Goku been hit, knocking him into his back, Dr. Wheelo's power was still rising.

"Daddy!"

Gohan screamed in anger, and then shot off into the air like a rocket, determined to make the mad doctor finally pay, for what he had done to his father and Piccolo-san. Even as he rose, Dr. Wheelo descended, his shell glowing a cherry red from the friction as he re-entered the atmosphere. He was determined to finish these meddlers once and for all. They had wrecked his laboratory, and now he would have to start over almost from scratch, rebuilding all his glorious machines and computers and workstations, obtaining another loyal assistant.

They had to pay. They had to die.

As the brave young demi-Saiyan continued to fly, his rage found itself checked, as he saw someone else flying beside him, catching up. There was no mistaking that steely determination, eyes fixated on the heavens.

"Piccolo-san?"

"We'll stop him together, Gohan, with all our might." Even as he spoke, almost glacially calm, his gaze never left the sky high above. A wide grin spread over Gohan's face. First Piccolo, and then he, let out shouts of defiance and put on a burst of speed.

"What--" They took Dr. Wheelo by surprise, that one exclamation all he had time to utter before they slammed into his mid-section like a pair of bullet trains, halting him in his tracks. Gohan backed off, but the demon king stayed in close. He floated in front of the glass alloy faceplate, opened his mouth, and unleashed a huge wave of power point-blank into it. The cracks that had been put into it by Goku's final Kamehameha began to spread, and the doctor was staggered upwards.

Kuririn rose out of the clouds, just a few seconds behind the other two. He did a few flips in midair, maintaining his momentum while giving him time to orient himself, then he came out of the last flip, cocking back his arm, ready to deliver a blow that would finish breaking that faceplate and expose the wicked brain--

Dr. Wheelo lashed out with his claw, squarely striking the bald monk and slamming him to one side.

Why is it always me who can never land one good punch? he wondered.

Wheelo's entire body began to glow with a golden light as he drew more and more power from his laboratory core. "If that's all you've got," he snarled, "then the entire Earth is about to become space dust!"

***

Goku clambered to his feet, moaning. Just like when Vegeta had landed that blow, he had lost control over much of the ki he had gathered. The Genki Dama he could throw now, he didn't know if it would be enough. But he didn't have time to gather more. Piccolo, Kuririn, and his son were engaging the evil genius, and he could feel him gathering enormous strength of his own high above. It was now or never. Shaping the energy with his will, he materialized the Genki Dama above his right hand, basking in its warmth for just a moment, letting it drive away the harsh cold of this place.

Dr. Wheelo channeled his power into an enormous crimson beam, firing it at the Earth before any of the others could do anything. Not that they could have stopped him.

Sensing the rapidly-approaching scarlet death, Goku muttered a few words of thanks to everything in the world that had given him this strength, and then hurled the Genki Dama. The two attacks collided in midair, the red beam dwarfing the small bluish-white sphere. And yet it was Wheelo's attack that was pushed back, forced higher into the clouds.

Dr. Wheelo chuckled softly to himself. In mere seconds Earth would be nothing but a memory, and then he could begin to conquer the rest of the universe--

His laughter died abruptly. The Genki Dama had broken the beam, detonating it harmlessly above the planet.

And it was still coming for him.

"What happened...that's impossible, impossible!" He was so shocked, he didn't move.

As it rose past them, the others could feel the mixture of life forces that had been used to create it. It was almost like briefly seeing into the souls of everyone on Earth, but they also thought they got a sense of the world itself, of rustling forest leaves and sparkling ocean waves. Time seemed to slow down for a moment. Gohan and Kuririn gazed at in almost reverential awe; whatever he was feeling inside, Piccolo's face betrayed no emotion, save surprise at the sheer strength it contained.

Time speeded back up, and the Genki Dama slammed into Dr. Wheelo, just below the faceplate. His shell seemed to stretch and compress wildly, much as Vegeta's body had, and he briefly outshone the sun. Trailers of crackling energy spread out in seven directions, and for just a moment, he had one last vision of Earth as it would have been under his rule, a barren desert marked with the occasional city of dark, glistening towers, and bizarre monstrous creatures of his own design wandering the wastelands, creatures who had once been human. And then it was gone.

"Damn you, Son Goku!" The faceplate shattered. He was carried back up into space, and his shell began to explode, three separate detonations, and by the time the third was finished, there was nothing left larger than a human fist.

===

So, how was that? Good? Bad? Whatever you think, let me know! Constructive criticism please!