Dragonball: Brotherhood. My full length LAM Script!

omegacwa · Post by **omegacwa** » Thu May 21, 2009 12:03 pm

Here it is, finally completed. Well, mostly. I don't really have the urge to read the whole thing again, so there are probably still a couple mistakes here and there, so if you notice anything glaringly wrong, point it out. I know about my random tendency to make things possessive, and to capitalize at random, but I think I caught at least 75% of those errors.

Anyway, to the main attraction.

Dragonball: Brotherhood
By Rob Harms (That's me!)

It's 353 Pages in PDF format. It was 363 pages in it's original format. It covers The Bardock Special, the Beginning of Dragonball, The Red Ribbon Army, Piccolo Daimao, and the Saiya-Jin Saga.

I worked very hard on this for a long time. So I really hope you will all give it a read. And if you like it feel free to pass it on.

THANKS!

EDIT: Hey guys, I'm going to do a re-edit to correct as many errors as possible (stupid homonyms) and re-up it in a few days, so hold tight, Thanks!

Kuhan · Post by **Kuhan** » Thu May 21, 2009 12:53 pm

I'll be sure to read it when I get home.

Post by **Kaboom** » Thu May 21, 2009 2:22 pm

I'm reading it now, and for the most part I like what I see so far. Boy, you weren't kidding when you said this puppy was long... if this got made, it'd turn into a Lord of the Rings-esque, 3-hour epic.

Also, "Tora." >_O

omegacwa · Post by **omegacwa** » Thu May 21, 2009 3:11 pm

I used a few dub names. Korin is coming so don't be surprised.

SSJ Helldog · Post by **SSJ Helldog** » Thu May 21, 2009 3:21 pm

Wowzers! This is the length of four of my screenplays. Looks like you've got a trilogy on your hands! I'll give this a read sometime next week: been reading nothing but scripts this week.

The Time Traveller · Post by **The Time Traveller** » Thu May 21, 2009 4:19 pm

omegacwa wrote:I used a few dub names. Korin is coming so don't be surprised.

You'll lose points for that!

Wait, Saiya-jin AND Tora? Whyyyyy?

JAPPO · Post by **JAPPO** » Thu May 21, 2009 4:43 pm

I'll admit I wasn't expecting much, but I read a few pages and it's actually pretty damn good. I don't have time right now to read it all... movies usually have 120 page scripts, not 353. lol

omegacwa · Post by **omegacwa** » Thu May 21, 2009 4:50 pm

JAPPO wrote:I'll admit I wasn't expecting much, but I read a few pages and it's actually pretty damn good. I don't have time right now to read it all... movies usually have 120 page scripts, not 353. lol

Thanks for the nice comments so far.

I am well aware an average screenplay is between 90 and 120 pages, this is actually the fourth screenplay I have written (the others are not dragonball related), but I didn't want to limit myself.

I used mostly Japanese terms, only the occasional dub term found it's way in so no worries Time Traveller.

The Time Traveller · Post by **The Time Traveller** » Thu May 21, 2009 5:02 pm

I have to agree with Jappo, it's a really nice read, at first I thought the dialogue was cliché, but it got really good really fast.

Chuquita · Post by **Chuquita** » Thu May 21, 2009 5:10 pm

I'm probably going to read this in several sittings. I left off on page 53.

This is pretty good so far; I'm enjoying it. :3

The only small thing that bothers me is Goku and Vegeta being related (well, half-brothers); but I'm guessing that's to substitute for Raditz, who hasn't been mentioned of at all which means I guess Vegeta's going to take his place.

Your Goku is very refreshing though, I like him.

Also, I really liked Bardock in this; and how you expanded the Bardock Special's part in general.

I'll give a full report back when I finish reading.

omegacwa · Post by **omegacwa** » Thu May 21, 2009 5:16 pm

Just a heads up, I start following the manga very closely during the final battle. So don't be surprised if some dialogue sounds familiar.

and again, thanks for the great comments so far, it really makes all the hard work I put in worth it.

JAPPO · Post by **JAPPO** » Thu May 21, 2009 6:09 pm

Personally, I wouldn't have posted this publicly. I'd try to copyright it or send it to studios. But if you don't care about that then never mind.

Xyex · Post by **Xyex** » Thu May 21, 2009 6:38 pm

I don't know if it's just the copy I've got from a bad download or what, but pages 207 to 232 are blank....

Also, it's "Throne" not "thrown". Minor point but it's been driving me up the wall. >>

omegacwa · Post by **omegacwa** » Thu May 21, 2009 8:09 pm

JAPPO wrote:Personally, I wouldn't have posted this publicly. I'd try to copyright it or send it to studios. But if you don't care about that then never mind.

I didn't plan on copyrighting it, but the version I put up on the net can't be copied or edited, well in all the ways I tested. (just tested copy paste on my Mac, not the computer I wrote it on, and it seems I can copy the text, well whatever...) Plus what studio could i send this too anyway, it's based on a property already owned by FOX, so it's not like I could get a movie deal out of it. Not to mention all the dated copies are on my computer and on a memory stick, so I can prove I wrote it, plus the original was written in a specific program that has it's own file type, so if someone claims they wrote it with a word doc, or PDF I have the legit thing.

Xyex wrote:I don't know if it's just the copy I've got from a bad download or what, but pages 207 to 232 are blank....

Also, it's "Throne" not "thrown". Minor point but it's been driving me up the wall. >>

Must be a bum download, my original and the version i just downloaded to check are fine.

Also thanks for pointing that out. I didn't even notice. Stupid homonyms!

Also I notice multiple times that I wrote "here" instead of "hear."

See this is why screen writers have editors.

NeptuneKai · Post by **NeptuneKai** » Thu May 21, 2009 8:37 pm

I've only read about ten pages but I like it thus far. It's a shame we got Evolution over something like this.

JulieYBM · Post by **JulieYBM** » Thu May 21, 2009 8:44 pm

I appreciate the buckets of piss-inducing soda you consumed as you sat at you computer typing this up, but from what I've read, it doesn't quite feel like a Dragonball film. Don't get me done, there's a damned good amount of effort put into a pretty good product, but the changes (the Vegeta ones, specifically) made just don't work for me.

omegacwa · Post by **omegacwa** » Thu May 21, 2009 8:55 pm

JulieYBM wrote:I appreciate the buckets of piss-inducing soda you consumed as you sat at you computer typing this up, but from what I've read, it doesn't quite feel like a Dragonball film. Don't get me done, there's a damned good amount of effort put into a pretty good product, but the changes (the Vegeta ones, specifically) made just don't work for me.

Well, how far have you read? And what specifically didn't you like about the changes to Vegeta (I was unaware there really were any)?

I'm not mad or anything, just interested.

Also, I understand this script won't be everyone cup of tea, if you don't like certain parts or something please let me know. I have no intention of changing my script though, but your input is always appreciated as you, and I, are the die hard DB fans.

JulieYBM · Post by **JulieYBM** » Thu May 21, 2009 10:29 pm

I read an exchange with Freeza, and while I felt Freeza was right, Vegeta...just didn't seem himself. I don't think he would have ever allowed himself to be placed in the situation where he would need to ask for harder missions. I think it's more likely he would just go out and do them, his fear of Freeza aside.

Kaiser Gogeta · Post by **Kaiser Gogeta** » Fri Jul 03, 2009 4:47 pm

Where's the link so I can read it? From the comments, it looks promising.

Bura · Post by **Bura** » Fri Jul 03, 2009 6:31 pm

Kaiser Gogeta wrote:Where's the link so I can read it? From the comments, it looks promising.

I know, I wanna read it too now! XD

Kanzenshuu

Dragonball: Brotherhood. My full length LAM Script!

Dragonball: Brotherhood. My full length LAM Script!

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