Cross between a fanfic and an ani-manga:

[Conan the SSJ]

Indeed, something DragonBall related I'm working and thought I'd let everyone here know about it. Feel free to read it as I update it, I'd like to update it here with consent from Mike and Julian, considering they allow Bejita to update his fan-manga here. The first chapter, along with the description of what it's like, can be found here. Like I said, that's where you'll find the description, first few comments on it, and first chapter of it. However, since the Daizenshuu Randomness boards are rarely visited anymore, I'd like to put the rest of this fanfic/comic here. I'm just curious, after seeing the first piece of my work, what do all you guys here at DaizEX think?

[Alchemist Ed]

Wow, Conan, this looks pretty cool. I hope you continue this, man. I just hope EX doesn't mind it, but at least this topic will raise awareness for it on Randomness, even if he does mind.

[Conan the SSJ]

Well, since this thread hasn't been locked by EX, I assume I can 'port the starting info and first chapter of this from Daizenshuu Randomness, as well as continue the rest of my work on it here.


I'm pretty sure I posted a primitive version of the first chapter of this months ago on DaizEX, and now that I'm ready to, I thought I may as well get to work on it. Basically, this is a fic I'm working on regarding original DragonBall. It's designed to be its own canon but to also keep somewhat continuity nods to the latter DBZ and GT series, such as Goku not meeting Raditz, as well as not finding out he's a Saiyan.

However, this will be a basic remake from the ground up, changing several aspects such as Goku's age, foreshadowing of the latter series', and much more insight into Goku's Saiyan heritage and struggle with that aspect of his blood and soul...preferably his alter ego, "Kakarrot". It may all seem confusing right now, but trust me, it'll make more sense as it goes along. I should say upfront, I'm adapting the Earth of this adaptation into modern times.

This means talking animal companions won't be happening, certain character aspects will be changed, but overall it should be all good. By the way, you may notice a sprinkling prophecy through out this plot, I'm banking on that being one of the main attractions of this adaptation.

Now, to get to it:

Chapter 1, I hope ya's like it, let me know if it gets you excited enough to kill me for the folowing chapters. ;D



"DragonBall"

"Chapter 1 -- Beginnings"


Prophecy #1 -- "On a tranquil small planet that is of green and blue of essence, where its evolution has been in motion for many millennia, there exists 4 children. These children will be key elements in the growing of the true one, the one meant to give the Earth, Universe, and After Life itself salvation in the gleaming future. When his name is known all over the world, when he becomes a great hero of his time, he still won't have even a minuscule glimpse of his true fate. Live as one of humanity he will, walk among them, talk among them. Hence from the day his people die, he will live and serve a cause they could never comprehend. It has begun..."


Somewhere, deep in space, on the other side of our galaxy, there exists a race of people that are on the verge of their final fate. Among these people, exists a cursed one, cursed for the horrible deeds his people have done to thousands of other civilizations. As technologicly advanced as his people may be, all but this cursed one are blind to the truth. This truth going by the name of betrayal, has revealed himself to the cursed one, leaving him only one option to go with.



On the surface of this race's blood red planet, on the outside of its shelters under the large red sky, this cursed warrior that lives with a tail attached to his body has set down three nude infants in odd structures. These infants, one of them being his own recently born child, all lay nude in round, metallic space pods that are ready for a lift off. The warrior looks upon his son with remorse, remorse that rightfully belongs on his face, however he also tries his best to bear a smile for the child.

"My son, I am only able to save you and a few others," says the warrior. "I wish I could go with you, but my fate is already set. I wish I could change my destiny, yours too, but it is far too late. Keep within you the pride of our proud race, live with honor after I die with pride. Good-bye, my son. "

With nothing more to say, the warrior gently grazes his hand upon the baby's slightly, spiky haired head, and closes the hatch of the space pod as he has to two others. As his son's crying is drowned out by the sound proof door closing, all three space pods begin launching off the surface. As they proceed to leave the atmosphere of the planet, the smiling warrior suddenly turns around to look in another direction of the looming red sky. A tear slowly begins to fall down his cheek as his soothing smile becomes a fierce sign of rage. He grips his fists in a sign of malice, and lowers his body in an odd stance.



"I may die," says the warrior, "but my flesh and blood will live on. It's time..." The man utters under his breath, and with that, he leaps into the air in a fantastic display of flight, all-out flying at great speed into the sky itself.

"I'm coming for you!!"



The man screams his seemingly final words, for the moment he vanishes out of sight in the sky, a white light envelops the entire surface. As this happens, the space pod carrying the man's son lunges into outer space, the destruction of his people and planet happening literally right behind him.



As the small pod travels millions of miles through space, the boy mysteriously receives unknown words from the voice that bid him farewell from the red planet, the voice only saying "Avenge us, please, avenge us..."





As the pod makes its final approach to a certain blue and green planet, third from the star, Sole, it enters our atmosphere with a great ferocity. Flying at an amazing speed along the blue sky, it crash lands in a mountain base, where of which an old man is innocently walking along. Hearing the crash, he comes running along to see what has caused this incident. Humbly walking along the crash site, he notices that this is more than just a common crash of this planet.



"Dear Lord in Heaven, what is it?" The old man asks himself as he approaches the crash site. Hidden within a patch of green grass and moss, he notices a naked infant child crying his heart out for help. "What in the world? Where did you come from little guy?" The man says as he picks the boy up in his arms. "Well, since your parents are clearly not from around here, I think I'll keep an eye on you, it's better than being a lone ol' hermit. I hope you don't mind. Now, to think of a name. Hmm." The man says, pondering what to call the infant, when suddenly the boy tugs the old man's mustache.

"Ouch, nutty little guy, you've got quite the arm there. But don't worry, I'm a bit of an odd fellow myself, believe it or not." Says the old man, as the boy tugs once more. "Ouch, c'mon lil' fella', I'm old enough to be your Grandpa, you wanna be the death of me? Now about that name ... Ah, yes! I think I know what to call ya'. How does Goku sound?" The old man asks, much to the baby's excitement as he laughs in glee. "All right then, Goku it is," laughing the old and gentle man, "Goku! What a good little boy."

[Blitzen]

I feel as if I'm picing on you, which I'm not, so please don't take it that way. I'm also not trying to stump your creativity because that'd also not be cool.

This... isn't really a comic. nor a fanfiction. What you're essentially doing is an over-dramatized "novelization" of a popular story, inserting some altered screencaps/clipart, and like... well, that's basically it. It's not even like the writing is really captivating or worthwhile, it generally seems like you're trying too hard to be descriptive. I mean, this is only a small part, but-

"...this cursed warrior that lives with a tail attached to his body has set down three nude infants in odd structures. These infants, one of them being his own recently born child, all lay nude in round..."

Do you really need to state twice that the boys are nude? What relevance does the nudity have? I'm going to assume (since this follows Dragonball/Z, and you're following that closely) that their nudity doesn't hold anything significant, and that well, just rethink it.

Edit: it's too verbose in an overly, pointlessly detailed way, not in an epically, accuratly depicted way.

The pictures thing, well, if they were like, full-paged new artwork depicting stuff, then that would be awesome, but something tells me that wont happen.

[Conan the SSJ]

I feel as if I'm picing on you, which I'm not, so please don't take it that way. I'm also not trying to stump your creativity because that'd also not be cool.

This... isn't really a comic. nor a fanfiction. What you're essentially doing is an over-dramatized "novelization" of a popular story, inserting some altered screencaps/clipart, and like... well, that's basically it. It's not even like the writing is really captivating or worthwhile, it generally seems like you're trying too hard to be descriptive. I mean, this is only a small part, but-

"...this cursed warrior that lives with a tail attached to his body has set down three nude infants in odd structures. These infants, one of them being his own recently born child, all lay nude in round..."

Do you really need to state twice that the boys are nude? What relevance does the nudity have? I'm going to assume (since this follows Dragonball/Z, and you're following that closely) that their nudity doesn't hold anything significant, and that well, just rethink it.

Edit: it's too verbose in an overly, pointlessly detailed way, not in an epically, accuratly depicted way.

The pictures thing, well, if they were like, full-paged new artwork depicting stuff, then that would be awesome, but something tells me that wont happen.

Thanks for your opinion, and while criticizing isn't something I enjoy, that's how I write and that's how I'll continue to write. I reiterate sometimes, and if that seems annoying, I apologize. However, that's how I like to sometimes get a point across. The reason I'm adding my own altered pics is exactly because I want the reader to see as much as what I'm seeing when I'm writing this. The reason why the first chapter itself is so short is because it's more a prologue than a first chapter, but I decided to go with making "Chapter 1" out of it anyway. Also, considering the point of this is to be my own adaptation of Goku's roots before DBZ, I'm focusing on things like hinting at Goku's Saiyan heritage, while also not entirely revealing to Goku and the reader all of the secrets of his alien past (while also not revealing to Goku of him being a Saiyan), as I want to save that basically for Raditz. Unfortunately I won't be including as many pics in the future as I have wanted to, but rest assured they'll still be present (At least one per chapter). I'll also be including a mixture of live-actioness and nods to the anime in my pics (such as the shot of Bardock's eye and that inverted shot of Goku you've seen in the first chapter). Now, if you're not enjoying my story, then by all means don't read it. However, I'd like to think you'll give it more of a chance beyond the first chapter. As this is my own adaptation, don't think of it as "DragonBall", because this isn't just a reversion of certain sagas like the DB movies, but an entire recreation from literally the ground up. Now if you'll excuse me, I have work to do on finishing the second chapter.

[Blitzen]

I feel as if I'm picing on you, which I'm not, so please don't take it that way. I'm also not trying to stump your creativity because that'd also not be cool.

This... isn't really a comic. nor a fanfiction. What you're essentially doing is an over-dramatized "novelization" of a popular story, inserting some altered screencaps/clipart, and like... well, that's basically it. It's not even like the writing is really captivating or worthwhile, it generally seems like you're trying too hard to be descriptive. I mean, this is only a small part, but-

"...this cursed warrior that lives with a tail attached to his body has set down three nude infants in odd structures. These infants, one of them being his own recently born child, all lay nude in round..."

Do you really need to state twice that the boys are nude? What relevance does the nudity have? I'm going to assume (since this follows Dragonball/Z, and you're following that closely) that their nudity doesn't hold anything significant, and that well, just rethink it.

Edit: it's too verbose in an overly, pointlessly detailed way, not in an epically, accuratly depicted way.

The pictures thing, well, if they were like, full-paged new artwork depicting stuff, then that would be awesome, but something tells me that wont happen.

Thanks for your opinion, and while criticizing isn't something I enjoy, that's how I write and that's how I'll continue to write. I reiterate sometimes, and if that seems annoying, I apologize. However, that's how I like to sometimes get a point across. The reason I'm adding my own altered pics is exactly because I want the reader to see as much as what I'm seeing when I'm writing this. The reason why the first chapter itself is so short is because it's more a prologue than a first chapter, but I decided to go with making "Chapter 1" out of it anyway. Also, considering the point of this is to be my own adaptation of Goku's roots before DBZ, I'm focusing on things like hinting at Goku's Saiyan heritage, while also not entirely revealing to Goku and the reader all of the secrets of his alien past (while also not revealing to Goku of him being a Saiyan), as I want to save that basically for Raditz. Unfortunately I won't be including as many pics in the future as I have wanted to, but rest assured they'll still be present (At least one per chapter). I'll also be including a mixture of live-actioness and nods to the anime in my pics (such as the shot of Bardock's eye and that inverted shot of Goku you've seen in the first chapter). Now, if you're not enjoying my story, then by all means don't read it. However, I'd like to think you'll give it more of a chance beyond the first chapter. As this is my own adaptation, don't think of it as "DragonBall", because this isn't just a reversion of certain sagas like the DB movies, but an entire recreation from literally the ground up. Now if you'll excuse me, I have work to do on finishing the second chapter.

You do seem rather defensive about it, even though you did say "...I'm just curious, after seeing the first piece of my work, what do all you guys here at DaizEX think?...". I mean, why ask for an opinion if you clearly cannot take anything but praise with a "THIS IS HOW I WILL DO IT FROM NOW ON YOU CANT CHANGE THIS".

I'd go into even further detail about your reply, but it's obvious it'll just stir things up, but if you'd like me to, then thats okay.

[lost in thought]

From my point of view, Conan, you're trying to emulate a Tolkien-esque graphically detailed writing form. You're also failing miserably at doing this, because, as Blitzen said--

"It's not even like the writing is really captivating or worthwhile, it generally seems like you're trying too hard to be descriptive."

"it's too verbose in an overly, pointlessly detailed way, not in an epically, accuratly depicted way."

You're trying too hard, and it lacks an overall quality that would motivate a person to continue to read it.

Furthermore, from the first paragraph alone it's rather obvious that you don't quite have the hang of writing novella style epics from a writing style stand-point. You're missing a lot of the larger descriptors that an established author would use to simplify, and explain things better, and more accurately to the reader, as well as to create an overall flow. Including a proper-order system for use of those words.

Example: "On a tranquil small planet that is of green and blue of essence,"
This sentence already is a hodge-podge of poor description, and improper placement for that description.

You're washing away proper explaination of the planet with a poor choice of wording.

------------------

I am going to be blunt; you do not know how to write. To this, your work isn't even worth reading, and unless you take a very extensive writing course, it may never be worth reading. (And if you already have, you should ask for a refund.)

I don't want to sound like an ass here, because I am just trying to be honest, but your writing is on the level with an average fanfiction.

I am sorry if you've taken offense to what I've said, but I've read enough books in my lifetime (and furthermore taken enough writing courses) to see quality presented to me, and again, I apologize, but this isn't it.

[Conan the SSJ]

From my point of view, Conan, you're trying to emulate a Tolkien-esque graphically detailed writing form. You're also failing miserably at doing this, because, as Blitzen said--

"It's not even like the writing is really captivating or worthwhile, it generally seems like you're trying too hard to be descriptive."

"it's too verbose in an overly, pointlessly detailed way, not in an epically, accuratly depicted way."

You're trying too hard, and it lacks an overall quality that would motivate a person to continue to read it.

Furthermore, from the first paragraph alone it's rather obvious that you don't quite have the hang of writing novella style epics from a writing style stand-point. You're missing a lot of the larger descriptors that an established author would use to simplify, and explain things better, and more accurately to the reader, as well as to create an overall flow. Including a proper-order system for use of those words.

Example: "On a tranquil small planet that is of green and blue of essence,"
This sentence already is a hodge-podge of poor description, and improper placement for that description.

You're washing away proper explaination of the planet with a poor choice of wording.

------------------

I am going to be blunt; you do not know how to write. To this, your work isn't even worth reading, and unless you take a very extensive writing course, it may never be worth reading. (And if you already have, you should ask for a refund.)

I don't want to sound like an ass here, because I am just trying to be honest, but your writing is on the level with an average fanfiction.

I am sorry if you've taken offense to what I've said, but I've read enough books in my lifetime (and furthermore taken enough writing courses) to see quality presented to me, and again, I apologize, but this isn't it.

Well, I appreciate the opinion, even if it is criticizing. Though, did I ever say I was an accomplished writer? I'm only writing this for fun, while not being a parody, it's also not intended to be the best written fanfic in web history. This is only a hobby, I'm not taking myself 100% serious. Like I said to Blitzen, if you're not enjoying it, then don't read anymore. Hell, I know some people are enjoying this (Chaos Saiyajin, Last Son of Krypton, Saiyaman MS), as long as I'm managing to entertain some people while having fun with this, that's what matters to me. I'm not gonna quit just based on a couple critics. Justin, I know I asked for opinions, I respect you for being honest, but if you're not enjoying it, don't tell me to stop writing it.

[Blitzen]

We aren't telling you to stop writing it, rather that it could be written better.

[Conan the SSJ]

We aren't telling you to stop writing it, rather that it could be written better.

Understood. Very well, I'll make a shout out right now. All members, all members, Conan the SSJ needs a beta-reader and editor for his fanfic/project, if anyone is willing to lend a hand, PM me and we'll talk everything over.

[lost in thought]

I am actually not reading it, Conan. Like I said in my reply, I suggested you take a writing course, because with that knowledge and understanding of proper writing styles, you would reach a broader audience of people, especially on this board.

Now if you did this, and then took the time to rewrite it with the method you learned by taking a writing course, it would no doubt turn out much better, and in all likelyhood be worth the read. As such, I would take time to actually read it-- and as a person who will read anything, and everything he can get his hands onto (including pamphlets for shit I don't even care about) I would imagine that I, or other people like me on the board would be your greatest target audience for the story.
But poor writing is what keeps me from reading, liking, supporting, or even generally giving a rats ass about fanfiction. (It isn't just you, I am even this way to Xyex.)

Furthermore, an editor wouldn't save it. You need to learn styles, skills, and methodology to write engaging stories. An editor would be able to suggest words here and there, but without the proper knowledge of the writing method, properly formatted and worded stories are pretty much a pipe dream.