Dragonball: Future Past Discussion

[Shad73]

Ladies and gentlemen of all Dragonball persuasions, I need your help.

I want to become a better fanfic author and through that a better author in general. That being said, I would like if you could read my fanfic (which is forty chapters, including a Bardock on Namek special) and give me your criticisms both good and bad. However, if you even have a hint of subconscious dislike or feeling like it's a shitty story, I am giving you permission to lay on me every single parcel of what you think could be improved. I want you to say why it sucks as a Dragonball fan story if you feel like it sucks; it will only be so as to improve me as a writer.

http://shad73.deviantart.com/journal/

http://shad73.deviantart.com/journal/Dr ... -316744798

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Dragonball: Future Past.

[Dbzfan94]

Ladies and gentlemen of all Dragonball persuasions, I need your help.

I want to become a better fanfic author and through that a better author in general. That being said, I would like if you could read my fanfic (which is forty chapters, including a Bardock on Namek special) and give me your criticisms both good and bad. However, if you even have a hint of subconscious dislike or feeling like it's a shitty story, I am giving you permission to lay on me every single parcel of what you think could be improved. I want you to say why it sucks as a Dragonball fan story if you feel like it sucks; it will only be so as to improve me as a writer.

http://shad73.deviantart.com/journal/

http://shad73.deviantart.com/journal/Dr ... -316744798

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Dragonball: Future Past.

Only read 3 chapters so far but I really like it. My only issue is that it skips between scenes a bit too suddenly at certain points.

[Shad73]

Lol, thanks man. This is a much older fic that I've stopped writing, but I would love to receive any kind of criticism to help make me better because even if I can get better, every writer runs into formulae they don't know they have. Truth be told, I would most bring this fanfic back if it were in one of two forms:

1. An animated trailer commission.
2. A short selection from it that eliminated the GT and AF elements and made it post-AF.

I appreciate any criticism you can give. I even have commission pictures of what some of the characters look like that I can show you just for fun; I just want a few more people to give me a picture of what I can improve, both as a writer and the story should I ever resurrect it.

[Dbzfan94]

I'd personally love to see pictures. It's sad to hear you dropped it though. Hopefully it gets continued but I'm enjoying it so far.
Something did confuse me though. Trunks was training with Gohan, but not Goten? And Goten stopped training? Loved SSJ3 Goten though, (i'm a huge Goten fan)

[Shad73]

I'd personally love to see pictures. It's sad to hear you dropped it though. Hopefully it gets continued but I'm enjoying it so far.
Something did confuse me though. Trunks was training with Gohan, but not Goten? And Goten stopped training? Loved SSJ3 Goten though, (i'm a huge Goten fan)

The story really hasn't aged well with time; it's too stuck in the AF era prior to the release of Absalon and Battle of Gods to be something that should I revisit I don't revisit if it weren't overhauled. I mean, for all the ways I would redo it I can go on long speeches. It's a story I have an affection for in a nostalgic sense, but I let all my worst writing onto it in ways I wouldn't an original project. As for the things you pointed out, here's how I'd rationalize them back then:

1. Goten and Trunks were practicing, but Gohan was their teacher.
2. Goten did stop training in GT and even at the end of Z he showed a laziness; these are things I hope Toriyama doesn't let go into Super. Agreed?

But yeah, I could do a much better Dragonball fanfic nowadays and yet want to receive the criticism I deserve for this story from Dragonball fans (even if the criticism is harsh). My reasoning is this; if you have someone be hard on you from an aspect of disavowed essences in your past, you can grow stronger from someone pushing you in that direction. You know what I mean?

[Dbzfan94]

I'd personally love to see pictures. It's sad to hear you dropped it though. Hopefully it gets continued but I'm enjoying it so far.
Something did confuse me though. Trunks was training with Gohan, but not Goten? And Goten stopped training? Loved SSJ3 Goten though, (i'm a huge Goten fan)

The story really hasn't aged well with time; it's too stuck in the AF era prior to the release of Absalon and Battle of Gods to be something that should I revisit I don't revisit if it weren't overhauled. I mean, for all the ways I would redo it I can go on long speeches. It's a story I have an affection for in a nostalgic sense, but I let all my worst writing onto it in ways I wouldn't an original project. As for the things you pointed out, here's how I'd rationalize them back then:

1. Goten and Trunks were practicing, but Gohan was their teacher.
2. Goten did stop training in GT and even at the end of Z he showed a laziness; these are things I hope Toriyama doesn't let go into Super. Agreed?

But yeah, I could do a much better Dragonball fanfic nowadays and yet want to receive the criticism I deserve for this story from Dragonball fans (even if the criticism is harsh). My reasoning is this; if you have someone be hard on you from an aspect of disavowed essences in your past, you can grow stronger from someone pushing you in that direction. You know what I mean?

Oh okay I understand now. I'm glad you still have a drive to continually improve. If you decide to do another post Db fic, whether its post EOZ or otherwise I'd love to read it

[Shad73]

Well I could see bringing Future Past back, whether it be a commission of an animated trailer, a trailer I one day animated with a Wacom tablet or as an updated story that could tell the same tale in two universes. In fact, let me go get some of the artwork for you that I had commissioned.

[Shad73]

http://turtlechan.deviantart.com/art/Co ... -354958426

http://turtlechan.deviantart.com/art/co ... -355268392

http://turtlechan.deviantart.com/art/Co ... -355445182

http://meowmatsu.deviantart.com/art/Dra ... -354609605

http://meowmatsu.deviantart.com/art/Zea ... -354831176

http://samgorsuch.deviantart.com/art/Sharon-352798659


http://samgorsuch.deviantart.com/art/Ha ... -366666482

[Dbzfan94]

Ok I read another few chapters! Good job but I have a few questions / things to point out....

CH6- Goku and Uuub flash to Namek and Freeza out of nowhere. I'd assume image training, but is really vague.
CH7 Hasek's explanation was really strange but hopefully it'll be revealed
CH8 it skips to Tarble without any proper introduction and just seems strange to have after a big revelation in ch7. Liked the scene with Pan and Bulla though I think it shouldve shown Trunks and Goten leave for space

[Shad73]

Ok I read another few chapters! Good job but I have a few questions / things to point out....

CH6- Goku and Uuub flash to Namek and Freeza out of nowhere. I'd assume image training, but is really vague.
CH7 Hasek's explanation was really strange but hopefully it'll be revealed
CH8 it skips to Tarble without any proper introduction and just seems strange to have after a big revelation in ch7. Liked the scene with Pan and Bulla though I think it shouldve shown Trunks and Goten leave for space

1. Chapter Six: It was the Hyperbolic Time Chamber acting as a Pendulum Room, at least as I was writing for back in the day; while I do not like the distinction of 'filler' versus 'canon', I guess you'd say I combined functions of the two without looking harder and given my desire to become a much stronger Dragonball writer (I want to buy the whole of DB and Z on DVD and manga, a reachable goal since I have the whole Avatar series and GT), this is not a high moment. Still, if I were to write this the same way nowadays I would've provided disclaimer well ahead of time that I'd fused the two in an alternate version. I think Dragonball fanfiction should allow a certain 'shoot first ask questions later' ability for people, the majority who without knowing the last 1% would still write excellent stories... That can't be the case for me. I have to be self-critical.

2. Chapter Seven: Yeah, Hasek. He was definitely a character I planned as a disciple of Baba and overall he is meant to address Sharon. I do look back at most of the writing for Hasek mentally and I think much of what he has to offer in terms of good characterization is half-baked. That's my fault. By quoting the material, what are some of the parts you would've tried to make clearer?

3. Chapter Eight: Some of the ability to introduce DBZGTXVS characters by name is something that I think can blindside those who just want to get to the story and I admit, there is the desire for anyone (even Toriyama himself) to want to get right to a certain detail. Who are Jaco the Patrolman and Tights in Resurrection 'F?' I would answer that with 'exactly', but that's not a good answer; there are a fair number of American fans who have paid attention outside of the American Z phenomenon over the years to other aspects of the source material.

All of these are good criticisms!