My 2nd FF: Mount Paozu Gate

RoarkVegeta · Post by **RoarkVegeta** » Sat Oct 10, 2009 1:26 pm

Again. More Sparking Meteor.

Mount Paozu Gate

Note: This story is during the Great Saiyaman stuffage, during the training. It ties in with DBZ Movie 10, but with a twist.

Chapter 1
“Ha! Hyah!” Goten was trying to hit his brother Gohan. “’Cmon, Goten! You can do better than this!” Goten grinned “Yep! HA!!”, Goten transformed into a Super Saiya-jin. “Hey! Wait! That’s not fai----!” Goten kicked Gohan in the face, sending him flying. Gohan barely caught himself. But as Gohan was about to strike back, Videl arrived! “Oh, hi Videl.” Gohan blushed. “Hi, Gohan. I’m ready for more training!” “OK! Today, we’ll b---“ “Gohan-chan!” “Hold on. It’s my mom.” Gohan ran into the Son family house. A few seconds later, he came back out. “We’re out of milk, so I have to run to West City to get some. Videl, I think Goten can’t control his energy yet, so go train by yourself a bit. I’ll be back soon!”, and with that, he flew off. Goten sat still… Then he heard someone land. “Goha---?!?!?” Before him was a tall man. He had no shirt on, and white pants. He also had golden hair. “Ahhh! You have golden hair!! A-a-a-re you a Super Saiya-jin? ……cool!” The man spoke. “Kakarort… KAKAROT…” as he stared at Goten. Goten was curious. “Hm” Kakarot?” The man screamed “KAKAROT!!!!!!!” and grabbed Goten by the face. “Hhmhmh! ‘le go o me!!” The man began smashing Goten’s face into a mountain. When he let go, he hit Goten repeatedly. With a powerful punch to the gut, Goten fell.

RoarkVegeta · Post by **RoarkVegeta** » Sat Oct 10, 2009 1:27 pm

Chapter 2
“Haha….BWAHAHAHAH!” The man yelled. He sensed someone coming, so he hid. “Goten? Are you okay? I heard noises so I came over here.” BOOM! Videl fell down to a blast in the back. Before she hit the ground, the man grabbed her by the hair. “A-a-a-a-a-ahh… Gohan..”. The man turned her around and started smashing her. After hundreds of hits, he put his hand near her stomach and started charging. “See you in hell, BITCH!”. He released his Ki and Videl’s body flew into the water. “VIDEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” the man turned around to see Gohan, the angriest he had ever been. He landed quickly. “BROLY!! YOU MONSTER!!! I LOVED HER!!!!” Broly laughed… “Haha… I guess all stupid love stories have to end someway. You’re a bit stronger than those other weaklings, so I may need to do this. Haaaaaaa…..HAAAA……..HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Broly had transformed into a Legendary Super Saiya-jin. “Now. Shall we begin? Bwaha….BWAHAHA!!!”

RoarkVegeta · Post by **RoarkVegeta** » Sat Oct 10, 2009 1:28 pm

Chapter 3
“Ha!” Gohan rushed at Broly, hitting him tons of times, but Broly stood there, not moving an inch. “Is that it?” Gohan stood, speechless. “MY TURN!” Broly yelled. He smashed Gohan into the sky and kneed him in the gut. He hit him down to the ground and prepared the killing blow. He started charging a HUGE Ki blast and fired it at Gohan. “FOOL! YOU CAN’T WIN! NOW….DIE!!!” A loud explosion rang through the air. “Hmph. That was much to easy.” And Broly flew off.

bkev · Post by **bkev** » Sat Oct 10, 2009 2:50 pm

I would hardly count those as chapters... no offense Roark, but I'd call a chapter at least 2 pages double-spaced in MS word over a single paragraph.

Not to say I didn't enjoy what I saw, but it definitely could be consolidated.

Godo · Post by **Godo** » Sat Oct 10, 2009 2:55 pm

The story itself is good, although it seems like a repetition of movie 10. But I don't know much about that until I read the whole fanfic.
I have some critisism on your typing. You could try to add more spaces, otherwise your text lookslikethis, and it's hard to read it.
Also, one, at most two, exclamation marks are needed. Instead of using Caps Lock, you can write how Gohan felt instead, like:
"You killed Videl, you bastard!" Gohan yelled furiously, filled with anger and sorrow.

And please let Broly be killed by SSJ2 Gohan!

bkev wrote:.. no offense Roark, but I'd call a chapter at least 2 pages double-spaced in MS word over a single paragraph.
.

Eh, I've seen professional and successful authors of best-selling books having one-page chapters.
A chapter should end a part of the story and a happening, and it's end should act like a break.
There isn't a rule saying that it should be at least 2 pages long. Otherwise, the story would suffer.

bkev · Post by **bkev** » Sat Oct 10, 2009 3:09 pm

Double-spaced. Perhaps I was exaggerating, but as it stands these chapters are rather short.

Godo · Post by **Godo** » Sun Oct 11, 2009 9:11 am

bkev wrote:Double-spaced. Perhaps I was exaggerating, but as it stands these chapters are rather short.

I agree with that these chapters are short, indeed. But depending on the "book-size" and formatting of the text, it can be anything.

But for the computer only, they are short, as you say.

EDIT: RoarkVegeta, I am not discouraging you in any way so that you know. Keep writing, it may turn into something really good!

RoarkVegeta · Post by **RoarkVegeta** » Sun Oct 11, 2009 10:18 am

Thanks bkev and Godo! Critique is what I was looking for. And yes, the chapters are short.

Godo wrote:EDIT: RoarkVegeta, I am not discouraging you in any way so that you know. Keep writing, it may turn into something really good!

Already starting on my 3rd

.