Dragon Ball: Dark Protector

[Gokuman1993]

Hey, guys. Me again. Hey, I've been doing a little fanfic that based around Dragon Ball Multiverse. I call it "Dark Protector" For the universe within the story, I call it "Universe 21" or, if going by the list made by Krillin's Barber, "Universe 118"

The first six chapters are on FanFiction.net right now: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7294848/1/D ... _Protector

And now, here is a synopisis: Kakarot, a child from the Saiyans, was sent to Earth to kill all life. However, through love, compassion and friendship, he may end up becoming our protector....

So basically, it's Universe 13 (where Kakarot never hit his head and becomes Son Goku) except Kakarot never kills anyone....except the really bad ones. It will go from Kakarot's brief life with Grandpa Gohan to most likely his fight with Freeza. I might do my own version of the Cell and Buu sags, but only time will tell.

Also, Character Bios

The Son Family

Kakarot

Real Name: Kakarot
Alias: Son Goku (also, his perfered name), the Ruthless Guardian
Age: 12-46
Spieces: Saiyan
Family: Bardock (father, deceased), Son Gohan (adoptive grandfather, deceased), Chichi (wife), Son Gohan (eldest son), Son Goten (youngest son), Videl (daughter-in-law), Pan (granddaughter), Kakku (grandson)
Personaility: Calm, cool, collected. Caring towards people he cares about. Can be a bit hotheaded, arrogant and harsh. Ruthless towards his enemies and shows no qualms of killing them.
Likes: His family, fighting, food, defending his home
Dislikes: People who threaten the planet, his own race, innocent people/his family getting hurt, being called by his true name.
Transformations: Great Ape (uses a wrist device to negate the transformation), Kaio-Ken, Super Saiyan, Super Saiyan Two and Super Saiyan Three.
Powers: Superhuman strength, speed, reflexes and durability. All of these increase through training and his many different forms (ex. Great Ape can multiply a Saiyan's physical powers tenfold)


Chichi

Real Name: Son Chichi
Alias: The Ox-Princess
Age: 12-46
Species: Human
Family: Ox-King (father), Kakarot (husband), Son Gohan (eldest son), Son Goten (youngest son), Videl (daughter-in-law), Pan (granddaughter), Kakku (grandson)
Personailty: Head-strong, yet hotheaded. Prone to overreact to things. Otherwise, kind and caring.
Likes: Her family, fighting, protecting others and going on adventures
Dislikes: People who threaten the peace, her family/innocent people getting hurt
Forms: Kaio-Ken
Powers: Superhuman strength, speed, reflexes and durability. These powers increase through training.


Gohan

Real Name: Son Gohan
Ailas: none
Age: 5-27
Species: Half-Human/Half-Saiyan
Family: Kakarot (father), Son Chichi (mother), Bardock (grandfather, deceased), Son Gohan (great-grandfather, deceased), Son Goten (younger brother), Videl (wife), Pan (eldest daughter), Kakku (infant son)
Personailty: Clever, intelluctual, peaceful, caring and ready to fight. Also, a bit tempermental and arrogant, like his father.
Likes: His family, fighting, studying, protecting his home and going on adventures.
Dislikes: People/his family getting hurt, having to fight to the death
Forms: Super Saiyan, Super Saiyan Two.
Powers: Superhuman strength, speed, reflexes and durabilty. These powers increase through training and his transformations.


Goten

Real Name: Son Goten
Alias: none
Age: 7-17
Species: Half-Human/Half-Saiyan
Family: Kakarot (father), Son Chichi (mother), Bardock (grandfather, deceased), Son Gohan (great-grandfather, deceased), Son Gohan (eldest brother), Videl (sister-in-law), Pan (niece), Kakku (nephew)
Personailty: Naive, kind-hearted and caring. Can be a bit hotheaded, sarcastic and arrogant, like his father.
Likes: Fighting, his family, going on adventures
Dislikes: Studying, people/his family getting hurt
Forms: Super Saiyan, Super Saiyan Two
Powers: Superhuman Strength, speed, reflexives and durabilty. These powers can increase through training and his transformations.


Well, that's it for now. Here's hoping you respond. Bye

[CaBrPi]

This is actually a very interesting "What-If" concept, and I'm surprised I'm the first to say so, at least in this thread.

However, the execution could use some "filling out", if you know what I mean. For example, you describe Grandpa Gohan wearing a "Chinese suit". What, exactly, would that look like? I know we all know what Gohan's outfit looks like, but I find it's generally best to assume that you're writing to people who have no idea what you're talking about. So, instead of saying "a Chinese suit", you could describe it like so: "a traditional Chinese outfit: an orange sleeveless jacket patterned with yellow circles, a black undershirt and pants with white trimming, and black shoes", or some variation on that.

If I were in your place, I'd take what I've written so far, and go back and try to expand it all like so. I'm not saying that you have to make things a certain length, as every writer has a different style, and will take different amounts of space to say what needs to be said, but I think that you could say a lot more to help illustrate the story you're trying to tell.

Also, don't forget that when you switch between "speakers", you begin a new paragraph. So, even though Goku isn't actually talking per se, his thoughts should start a new paragraph.

But other than that, this is a pretty good story. Definitely a great idea, and I'm definitely looking forward to more of the story, and how you'll handle things like the Kinto'un (Flying Nimbus) requiring a pure heart to ride.

[Gokuman1993]

This is actually a very interesting "What-If" concept, and I'm surprised I'm the first to say so, at least in this thread.

However, the execution could use some "filling out", if you know what I mean. For example, you describe Grandpa Gohan wearing a "Chinese suit". What, exactly, would that look like? I know we all know what Gohan's outfit looks like, but I find it's generally best to assume that you're writing to people who have no idea what you're talking about. So, instead of saying "a Chinese suit", you could describe it like so: "a traditional Chinese outfit: an orange sleeveless jacket patterned with yellow circles, a black undershirt and pants with white trimming, and black shoes", or some variation on that.

If I were in your place, I'd take what I've written so far, and go back and try to expand it all like so. I'm not saying that you have to make things a certain length, as every writer has a different style, and will take different amounts of space to say what needs to be said, but I think that you could say a lot more to help illustrate the story you're trying to tell.

Also, don't forget that when you switch between "speakers", you begin a new paragraph. So, even though Goku isn't actually talking per se, his thoughts should start a new paragraph.

But other than that, this is a pretty good story. Definitely a great idea, and I'm definitely looking forward to more of the story, and how you'll handle things like the Kinto'un (Flying Nimbus) requiring a pure heart to ride.

All right! Thank you for responding and for those tips Say, what do you like most about this what-if and why you find it interesting

[CaBrPi]

No problem at all!

I think what I like most about the story is the fact that you've done really well with the characters. It's difficult sometimes to master using canon characters at all, but you really don't seem to have a problem, at least from what I've seen so far.

I find this interesting mostly because of the complete reversal of Goku's character. I think you're doing a great job giving a believable "Saiyan" personality, while still maintaining the aspects of Goku's original character that made him who he was. It's kinda difficult to explain, but I like the changes you've made and the ones you didn't. I hope that makes sense.

[Gokuman1993]

All right, here's another chapter: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7294848/7/D ... _Protector

This chapter will now introduce the AU of the Dragon Ball story (consider the first five chapters an Arc in it's self)

And, to let you guys know a little something, things are gonna be different as we move along to the Dragon Ball saga:

1. People are gonna die...violently (well, anyone not Bulma, Yamcha or Oolong, at least )
2. Roshi may not appear until later
3. Expect Chichi to do a lot more than normally (and a little twist to her relationship with Kakarot.)
4. More...adult situations and languge.
5. A different end to the first saga....(No spoilers, people!)

Well, I hope you enjoy Chapter six

[Sedorna]

Hi. I'm enjoying your story, and the concept is really cool. Heck, I love alternate universe stories. However, there is a bit of constructive criticism I'd like to add.

Mainly, at times the story shifts from present to past tense without any logic. In the same chapter, you'll write "Kakarot runs" and "Bulma said'. That's a bit confusing. Generally, (general) you should keep it all the same. (Unless Goku's a time traveler, in which case, where's his TARDIS? )

[Gokuman1993]

Hey, guys! Here's a new chapter: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7294848/8/D ... _Protector This time, starring Yamcha

All right, next up...Chichi

[coola]

So far i really enjoy this story, i know it`s your story, and you have your own concept, but, woul dyou please not skip too much of Dragon Ball?

[Gokuman1993]

So far i really enjoy this story, i know it`s your story, and you have your own concept, but, woul dyou please not skip too much of Dragon Ball?

I'll.....do my best.

[Gokuman1993]

Hey, guys! Here's chapter 8: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7294848/9/D ... _Protector

Enjoy

[coola]

I love different relationship of Goku and Chichi