Joueur du grenier - Dragonball - Nes (French)

[Insertclevername]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NxbJTW74HbY

If you like the AVGN and you could understand French, then this might find this funny.

[Puto]

Man, it's pretty hard to understand French spoken this fast. I can get the gist of it, though.

This could use some closed captions.

[Cold Skin]

The man's really popular among gamers out here, in France. The concept is inspired by AVGN -, as Insertclevername said -, although Joueur du Grenier is less angry and less raw/crude than AVGN (you're not about to see him take a shit on Bugs Bunny anytime soon - which you may or may not prefer depending on your favorite kind of comic relief).
And Joueur du Grenier is a Dragon Ball fan, so his criticism is all the more enjoyable, since he's pretty stunned by some unexpected twists in the game when knowing about the original universe and story!

It would be easy to subtitle it for you, but you know, it's so complicated sharing videos that I'll never do it (otherwise I would have done it already with my ten different versions of Gohan turning SS2 with various replacement scores).

[Puto]

Just a written-out script would be a big help - I could probably translate it myself if I could actually make out what he's saying.

[Cold Skin]

Here is your script and translation for the intro for now, the rest will come up quickly.

Here is your script and translation for the intro for now, the rest will come up quickly.

INTRO:

[summoning Shenron]
FRED: Apparais, dragon sacré, et exauce mon vœu !
FRED: Come forth, sacred dragon, and grant my wish!

SHENRON : Dis-moi ce que tu souhaites. Quel que soit ton vœu, le dieu dragon exaucera ta prière.
SHENRON: Tell me your wish. Whatever it is, the Dragon God will grant it.

FRED: (Je veux… une X-Box 360 ! Attends, non, une X-Box 360 avec des femmes ! Ou attends, non, encore mieux : une X-Box 360 avec une Wii et une PS3 ! Allez, OK !)
OK, j’ai décidé. Voilà mon souhait, je veux…
FRED: (I want... an X-Box 360! No, wait, an X-Box 360 plus women! Or wait, non, even better: an X-Box 360 plus a Wii plus a PS3! Okay, that's it!)
Okay, I've made my choice. Here's my wish, I want...

SEB : Je me ferai bien une partie de Dragon Ball sur NES, moi ! Bah quoi, pourquoi tu me regardes comme ça ?
SEB: Man, I feel like playing Dragon Ball on NES! What, why are you staring at me like that?

SHENRON : Ton vœu est maintenant exaucé. Je dois me retirer.
SHENRON: Your wish has been granted. I have to leave.

FRED : Quoi ?! Non, non, non, déconne pas, déconne pas, s’il-te-plaît, je t’en prie, pars pas !
Oh non ! C’est pas vrai, merde !
FRED: What?! No, no, no, don't, don't, please, don't go!
Oh non! You gotta be kidding me, shit!

[Shenron leaves, Fred is left alone with the game...]


[Test room]
FRED: L’univers de Dragon Ball, c’est juste la chose la plus énorme qui ait jamais été inventée ! Non mais c’est vrai, franchement : qui parmi vous n’a jamais fait au moins une fois ce geste ? [mimics the Kame Hame Ha]
Et que ce soit Dragon Ball ou Dragon Ball Z, c’était clairement ma raison N°1 de me lever les jours où j’avais pas école.
FRED: The Dragon Ball universe is just the best thing that's ever been created! Come on, seriously: among you guys, who could say they've never tried that move? [mimics the Kame Hame Ha]
And whether it's Dragon Ball or Dragon Ball Z, it was clearly my N°1 reason to get up when there was no class.

Pour ceux qui dormaient au fond, je rappelle vite fait. C’est l’histoire de Son Goku, un enfant à queue de singe conçu au travers de plusieurs séries qui vont de sa petite enfance dans Dragon Ball jusqu’à la fin dans Dragon Ball Z. Et il n’y a RIEN après Dragon Ball Z. RIEN !!
For those of you who were sleeping in the back of the classroom, quick recap. The story revolves around Son Goku, a kid with a monkey tail conceived over several shows starting from his childhood in Dragon Ball and ending with Dragon Ball Z. And there's NOTHING after Dragon Ball Z. NOTHING!!

SEB : Et ça, c’est quoi ? [zooms on Dragon Ball GT VHS]
SEB: Then, what's this? [zooms on Dragon Ball GT VHS]

FRED: Non bah, ça va, on fait tous des erreurs, hein !
FRED: Alright, alright, we're all entitled to make mistakes!

FRED: C’est quand même fou que même 20 ans après, y ait encore des jeux qui sortent là-dessus. Et quand je vois les Budokai et les derniers jeux sur l’univers, que ce soit Dragon Ball ou Dragon Ball Z, mais je me rends compte que j’aurais tué à l’époque pour pouvoir y jouer cinq minutes.
Bah, après, on a aussi eu des bons jeux. Les plus connus à l’époque, c’était les Butoden. En France, c’était Dragon Ball Z 1, 2 et 3 sur Super Nintendo. Moi, perso, j’avais la version Megadrive, du coup quand j’ai découvert la version Super NES, je tapais tout le temps l’incruste chez mon voisin pour pouvoir y jouer.
FRED: It's incredible that even 20 years later, there are still games about it. And when I see the Budokai series and the latest games of this franchise, whether they're about Dragon Ball or Dragon Ball Z, I just realize I would have killed to play just five minutes of those at the time.
Well, to be fair, we also had good games back then. The most famous were the Butoden series. In France, they were called Dragon Ball Z 1, 2 and 3 on Super Nintendo. I had the Sega Genesis version, so once I discovered the Super NES version, I would always gatecrash at my neighbor's just to play it.

[shows that exact scene with Kid Fred]
VOISIN: Hé, c’est encore le gamin des voisins qui vient taper l’incruste !
NEIGHBOR: Hey, it's the neighbors' kid gatecrashing again!

FRED : Globalement, la license Dragon Ball a toujours produit des jeux de très bonne qualité. Mais cela dit, pour dix jeux en moyenne de Dragon Ball qui sortaient au Japon, y en avait à peine un seul qui arrivait jusqu’en France.
Le premier jeu arrivé chez nous en France, c’est celui-ci : Dragon Ball et le Secret du Dragon. Et comme on dit, la première fois c’est toujours décevant, et bah là, ça a jamais été aussi vrai.
FRED: Overall, the Dragon Ball franchise has always produced very good quality games. That being said, for ten Dragon Ball games released in Japan, only one would make its way to France.
The first game that made it here to France, is this one: Dragon Ball and the Secret of the Dragon. And as the saying goes, the first time is always a letdown, well this has never been so true as it is here.

[reading the info on the cardridge]
FRED: « Ce jeu ne doit pas être utilisé avec la version Matel ou la version Nintendo de la Nintendo » ?! OK.
FRED: "That game is not meant to be used with either the Matel version or the NES version of the NES"?! Okay.

[tries to fit the cardridge into various other systems, and finally]
FRED: Oh, puis merde.
FRED: Oh, the hell with it!"
[inserts it into the NES]

ANALYSIS (Part 1):

Le jeu est en français, c’est assez rare pour le dire, à cette époque sur Nintendo. D’ailleurs, si vous aviez pas fait le rapprochement, c’était édité par Bandai, les mêmes qui massacreront trois ans plus tard les Chevaliers du Zodiaque.
The game has been translated into French, which is rare enough to mention it, especially back then on the NES. And if you didn't notice, it was published by Bandai, the same ones who will butcher Saint Saiya three years later.

[horrified by a French translation for "Dragon Balls", which is supposed to be left in English]
Les « balles du dragon » ?! Et c’est seulement le deuxième écran du jeu ! Le deuxième écran du jeu ! Ooh, j’ai peur de voir la suite, maintenant !
"Balles du Dragon"?! And that's only the second screen in the game! Second screen in the game! Ooh, I'm scared to see what's next, now!

[reads slowly as the text appears slowly]
« Bon… partons… mais… comment… les… retrouver…
Avec… ça… Dragon… » Pfff, « Radar ». Oh là là là… « Les balles du dragons », quoi.
"Let's... go... but... how... to... find... them...
With... this... Dragon..." Tssss, "Radar". Oh man... And those "Balles du Dragon"...
[note that Dragon Radar is the correct name you all know, but since they translated Dragon Ball into French, Dragon Radar is subsequently naturally read in a French way, which is grammatically incorrect since it should be "Le Radar du Dragon". In the context of the game, it's as if an English text wrote "With this: Radar Dragon").

Bon, le principe est un peu le même que dans Zelda, on voit son personnage, Son Goku, en vue du dessus, et on se déplace dans les décors. Donc, dans les maisons, on ramasse des clés... Sauf que là, contrairement à Zelda, y a aucun aspect RPG. Y a pas de vendeur, y a pas de menu Objets, y a pas de personnages à qui parler...
Okay, the concept is a bit like Zelda, you see your character - Son Goku - from above, and you move through the landscape. You get keys in houses and stuff like that... Except that here, on the contrary of Zelda, there's no RPG element. Nobody selling anything, no Item menu, no characters to talk to...

Vous ramassez au fur et à mesure de l’aventure les mêmes objets, le bâton magique qui augmente légèrement votre force, la nourriture qui régénère votre énergie, et des sortes de petites portions blanches qui mettent un gros coup de boost à Son Goku en le faisant aller plus vite. Je… crois que c’est du riz. Ou peut-être de… Ou peut-être de la… Non… Non, non, c’est du riz ! C’est du riz !
As you walk on, you can pick up the same items appearing over and over, the Magic Staff which slightly increases your strength, some food which regenerates your health, and some sort of little white powder which gives a big boost of energy to Son Goku, making him go faster. I... think it's rice. Or maybe... Maybe it's... No... No, no, it must be rice! It's rice!

Je sais que c’est un problème récurrent dans tous les jeux que je teste, mais comme pour tous les autres, y a forcément son lot de problèmes de collision, et c’est pratiquement impossible de s’avancer et de frapper sans prendre un coup. C’est surtout visible quand on se bat contre les boss, particulièrement contre Yamcha.
I know that it's a problem in every single game I review, but just like all the others, there's gotta be a pack of hitbox problem, and it's nearly impossible to move to the enemy to hit him without getting hit yourself. This is especially noticeable when you fight against a boss, and especially against Yamcha.

[during the fight against Yamcha]
Putain, mais d’où tu me touches là ? Oh, allez, mais n’importe quoi, sérieux ! Allez, va mourir, là ! Putain, vous avez vu ça, il est à dix kilomètres de moi ! Putain, c’est Yamcha, pas Dhalsim, quoi, merde !
Fuck, how come you can hit me? Oh, come on, that's just bullshit, seriously! Come on, go to Hell, damn! Damnit, you guys see that, he's like ten miles from me! Fuck, it's Yamcha, not Dhalsim, damn it!

Oh puis merde, la meilleure stratégie, c’est de se foutre au corps à corps, et de bourriner en espérant pas crever. Mais le pire, là-dedans, c’est que quand vous sortez des boss avec quasiment plus d’énergie, vous vous dites « bon, allez, je vais y aller mollo, je vais faire attention histoire de pas crever ». Eh bah non, putain !! Votre énergie, elle descend toute seule même si vous faites rien !
Oh, screw that, the best thing you can do in the end is to rush into them, and hit repeatedly hoping you won't die. But the worst part is, when you make it out alive from a boss encounter with almost zero health left, you think "okay, I won't take risks, I'll try to be careful to stay alive". Well, fuck no!! Your health decreases all by itself even when you're not doing anything!

[Example of the kind of situation it can lead to]
Dépêche-toi, dépêche-toi, allez, lâchez-moi un truc à bouffer, bande de rats !!
Oh, putain, il a lâché un item, allez de la bouffe ! [it's not food] Oh non, non !! [dies]
Hurry, hurry, come on, gimme somethin' to eat, you rats!!
Holy crap, he dropped an item, come on, food, food, food! [It's not food] Oh no, no!! [dies]

C’est pas tout ça mais Dragon Ball, c’est pas que du corps-à-corps, moi j’aimerais bien pouvoir faire un Kamé Hamé Ha. Sur la notice, j’ai vite vu qu’il fallait maintenir B et appuyer sur A. [performs the Kame Hame Ha]
Attends, c’est ça, le Kamé Hamé Ha ?! Oh non, putain, on dirait un vieux frisbee avec une étoile dessus, quoi ! Merde, remboursé, c’est un sacrilège, là ! Oh, faut être complètement défoncé pour oser faire ça !
Alright, but Dragon Ball is not all about hand-to-hand combat, I'd like to perform a Kame Hame Ha. In the instruction booklet, I caught a glimpse of something like holding B and pushing A. [performs the Kame Hame Ha]
Wait, THAT's the Kame Hame Ha?! Oh hell no, it looks like an old flying disc with a star on it! Shit, give me back my money, this is a downright sacrilege! Oh, you gotta be high to dare something like that!

Non mais sérieusement, y a des choses avec lesquelles faut pas plaisanter, hein ! Vous allez pas me dire que techniquement la NES est pas capable de faire un truc aussi simple que ça:
No, seriously, there are things you can't mess with! Don't tell me the NES is technically not capable of doing something as simple as this:
[shows an edited video of what the Kame Hame Ha should be like]

[JP6GAMER]

Thank you for the script!

He clearly copied the AVGN, but it seems he makes his videos good.

[Insertclevername]

I'd say more inspired. He credits him if I'm not mistaken. He also kind of has his own unique flair. Nowadays, entertainment based game reviews are so common, they're pretty much a genre now. To say he's a rip off would be like saying Mickey Mouse is a rip off of Felix the Cat.

[JP6GAMER]

I chose the wrong word... Heavily inspired would fit better.

[Insertclevername]

I chose the wrong word... Heavily inspired would fit better.

It's fine! *fist bumps*

@Coldskin
If you feel like doing more of the script, then feel free. I understand if you can't, you are still doing that recoloring project so I wouldn't want this to get in the way!

Also, "gatecrashing"...hmm never heard that term before. I guess you learn something new everyday.

[Cold Skin]

@Coldskin
If you feel like doing more of the script, then feel free. I understand if you can't, you are still doing that recoloring project so I wouldn't want this to get in the way!

Also, "gatecrashing"...hmm never heard that term before. I guess you learn something new everyday.

It doesn't take much time, so you'll surely have all of the script in two or three days at most.
And I didn't know about "gatecrashing" until today, it was the best I could find to translate the French idea ("(se) taper l'incruste" = not being invited but acting as if you were, kind of deciding by yourself that you've been invited somewhere without anyone's actual invitation).

[Cold Skin]

A little more of the script for you guys.
(I edited the script post)