The History of Freeza

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Freeza Heika
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The History of Freeza

Post by Freeza Heika » Mon Jun 21, 2010 11:55 pm

I was a bit weary in writing this, as I haven't written fictional writing, in literally a decade. So Please, critique me brutally, in both the story and the writing itself.

I don't want to give too much away in the description, but the basic premise just as the titles states. The story takes place on Freeza's home world, a long way into the past. Admittedly, the first part is short and not all that action packed, but I have a lot more interesting things planned... I just suck at intros. :oops:

I am going to put the first chapter here because Fanfiction.net is being buggy. Eventually this story and the successive chapters will make their ways onto there. I tried to mimic the styles of the anime titles.

So here you go:

Introduction to a Barren World! The Greatest Conflict in the Universe is... Politics?!

Though it was day, all the stars were visible in the sky, because there was no reflective atmosphere. There were two, considerably larger balls of light on the periphery of either horizon. One of the stars was a newborn, baby star, emitting intense, bluish-white light; the other a massive, red star that seemed to engulf the entire western sky. At the peak of the sunrises, there shone a deep purple line down the stretch of the entire planet, where the light of the two stars met.

In the night, the ground was completely solid from the coldness of space. In stark contrast, the ground cooks anything that dares to touch it, in the day. At this point, you may be thinking that this world is lifeless. But what if we take a closer look?

In the day, this life form is invisible to the naked eye, but should be brave enough to confront the icy tundra of the evening, you will find the most fantastic plant in all the Northern Galaxy. The plant, which is no bigger than a dust mite, permeates every inch of the ground. It emits an intense, blue light, much like the star whose light it absorbs in the day. The locals refer to it as the Meissna Plant.

The only animal you will see is quite an odd creature. It has a head that is equal in length to its large body. It walks around on four, spiked legs. The spikes are coated in small, purple scales that absorb the light from the Meissna Plant. The locals call this creature an Oxenfelda. These two creatures are the center of the food chain on this world.

If you look just past the largest mountain range, you can see a faint glimmer coming from the planet’s only major city.

A towering figure loomed over the table. This man was by far the largest man in a room full of people who are considerably large in their own right. He wore the armor that would become associated with the Saiyans, in the future. His shoulders were adorned with a large, purple cape, made of a fabric that would call for envy from even Earth’s greatest fashionista.

“Gentlemen, calm yourselves! Let us not destroy the unity that our world tried so hard to attain. I assure you that we WILL reach an agreement on the matter of the land dispute between the Cold Clan and the Frigid Clan.”

The other men all settled back into their seats around the large, circular table, all except for the two angriest looking fellows, sitting across from each other. One of them was a familiar character, the man you have come to known as King Cold. At this time, his name is merely Cold. Frigid, the other man was of the same height, but his form was closer to that of Freeza’s third form. His body was mostly purple, with large, white circles on his arms, shins, chest and head.

“Cold’s encroachment onto our estate will not be tolerated! Our territory was very CLEARLY outlined in the Unification Treaty. If we cannot even deliberate on such a clear-cut issue, then I fear for the future of this infantile alliance”, Frigid stated this with what the others in the room could tell was a sincere tone.

Cold slammed his hand on the table and made this proclamation: “I’ve had enough of this! My family will never concede to any of this council’s orders! The only reason we even agreed to this unification was because we were promised THAT land! We will not budge on the issue!”

Cold stomped to the door, threw it open and shout, “I will be waiting for your concessions, Frigid.”
He then turned around and walked off.
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caejones
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Re: The History of Freeza

Post by caejones » Wed Jun 23, 2010 12:36 pm

Meep, I'm feelin' awkwardly not-so-in-depth today. :(
Nevertheless!

I totally like the concept, and would like to read more!

For now, what sticks out to me is the details that make it clear that the audience is expected to be familiar with Freeza and King Cold, and mentions of Earth and such... Though I can't decide if I feel positively or negatively toward it. XD.
Gah, maybe I'll wake up and get into LITERARY! Mode soon. *Wonders if more of this / GTR / whatever I keep up with would help* XD
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Freeza Heika
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Re: The History of Freeza

Post by Freeza Heika » Wed Jun 23, 2010 2:45 pm

caejones wrote:Meep, I'm feelin' awkwardly not-so-in-depth today. :(
Nevertheless!

I totally like the concept, and would like to read more!

For now, what sticks out to me is the details that make it clear that the audience is expected to be familiar with Freeza and King Cold, and mentions of Earth and such... Though I can't decide if I feel positively or negatively toward it. XD.
Gah, maybe I'll wake up and get into LITERARY! Mode soon. *Wonders if more of this / GTR / whatever I keep up with would help* XD
Yah, I wrote that late a night and then went back to it in the morning. I realized it was very mediocre, So i am re-writing the intro. You can expect that soon.
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Re: The History of Freeza

Post by Sun-Wukong » Fri Jul 16, 2010 2:14 am

So... have you written any more yet? I'm on the edge of my seat here!

Maybe not, but here's what I like and don't like.

Pros
- The title is great, keep it up with the rest of them.
- The writing style reminds me of The Hobit. Very warm and friendly but just formal enough (in most places anyway).
- Deeper exploration of Frieza's (and in this case, his species as a whole's) background is always nice. I'm curious as to how it will play out.
- Attention to detail is great.

Cons (Really just things in the writing style that irked me)
- Why so many commas? Now, I'm a stickler for commas and punctuation in general; it's really a delicate balance to not under-or over-use them. Maybe in the first sentence just say "...all the stars were visible in the sky because there was no reflective atmosphere." What I've come to learn is, if you think that a sentence is running on to long, you're probably over reacting. A good rule of thumb (for me anyway) is that you really don't need a comma right before a conjunction like "because". Conjunctions are like commas in and of themselves. Sorry for turning this part into a small rant...
- Your diction seems just a tad overblown. I've noticed that a lot of stories start out this way, maybe because the author is worried that they're writing it out too simply. Trust me, people would much prefer something along the lines of "There were two considerably larger stars on either horizon." At least I would anyway, maybe I'm just weird like that.
- Getting back to the second thing on my "Pros" list, the eighth paragraph just bugs me. I'm sure that anyone taking the time to read this will be familiar with King Cold and Frieza, but it just seems too informal.

I realize that I went into much more detail with my criticism than praise, but I really did like it. Now for the inevitable pointing out of typos and errata:
Freeza Heika wrote:In the night, the ground was completely solid from the coldness of space. In stark contrast, the ground cooks anything that dares to touch it, in the day.
"in the day" felt awkward. Perhaps "during the day" and with no comma would work better?
Freeza Heika wrote:but should be brave enough
Typo.
Freeza Heika wrote:The plant... permeates every inch of the ground.
Just me being picky, feel free to ignore. However, to permeate is to penetrate something solid, usually done by a gas or vapor or even a liquid. For instance, water permeates a sponge.
Freeza Heika wrote:Cold stomped to the door, threw it open and shout, “I will be waiting for your concessions, Frigid.”
Typo.
Freeza Heika wrote:He then turned around and walked off.
This line just felt rigid. Maybe add a little extra oomph? "Still angry, he turned and stormed off." Just a suggestion.

So again, it's very good. I just get a little carried away with constructive criticism on pieces I really enjoy.
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Freeza Heika
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Re: The History of Freeza

Post by Freeza Heika » Fri Jul 16, 2010 2:25 pm

I am writing still.

And as for most of the cons you pointed out, those all come from the fact that I write the way that I talk. That is my regular diction, and I place commas wherever I pause when I talk.

I'll try and tone it down though.
My Super Awesome GT Origins Idea
"さあ、お前の罪を数えろ!"
"SuperSaiyan3Goku, give me all your breasts."

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