So, this here is the beginning of a story I've had in mind for a long time and tried to write on multiple occasions, but I was never happy with the way it came out; not happy enough to display it here for everyone to read, anyway. This current incarnation, though, I have a good feeling about, so let me know what you think about the idea it presents and just the quality of writing in general. Let me know if either description or dialogue outweighs the other, and hopefully enjoy it at least somewhat.
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The infant, so far as Coola could tell, was completely ordinary. If anything, it was weak,
for a Saiyan. Its incessant wailing drew the ire of his men, though they were thankful that he had
ordered them to stay in the main room of the ship while he examined it.
“That spoiled brat. His carelessness should have been his undoing long ago,” Coola
muttered as he held the infant in a single hand, still inspecting its delicate frame. What prompts a
man to commit genocide? He wondered. We both use it for the purpose of financial gain on a
regular basis, but… Even if he could have found another group of people willing to inhabit that
desolate wasteland the Saiyans called a planet, he utterly destroyed it. So then, that leaves fear,
or at the very least, a healthy concern for what may have come, had an entire planet of warriors
as power-hungry as he went unchecked, continuing to grow stronger. I can’t fault him for that.
Coola set the infant aside, still entrenched in thought. What I can fault him for, though, is
doing it poorly. The Saiyans are capable beings. Even without the rest of its people, one of them
could accomplish great things. If that one remaining Sayain were to find out who was
responsible for the destruction of its people, vengeance could be a powerful calling in its life.
That is, of course, only if unhindered by the actions of its target’s caring sibling. Unfortunately
for my dear brother, no such hindrance stands in this child’s way. He looked at the infant for a
moment in silence. Fate alone could show Freeza his comeuppance. I’ve seen it fail far too
many times in that regard before, though. I’ll see to it that his carelessness leads to a fitting end.
Coola walked out of his private chambers to greet his men, proudly displaying the infant.
“Alright,” Dōre blurted, “When are we gonna use that thing for target practice?”
“We aren’t. Say hello to your new comrade.” A brief silence fell over the group.
“You know,” Sauzaa replied, “People say you have no sense of humor. I always tell them
that they’re crazy, of course, but this makes for an even stronger case on my part—”
“I’m not joking. I plan to raise this Saiyan and personally train it until it’s old enough to
fight, then it will join you whenever you subjugate a planet from that point on.” The silence
returned. “Now, did the information in its pod include a name?”
Sauzaa rushed off to check, completely thunderstruck. The persevering silence was only
occasionally interrupted by his interacting with the pod’s computer. “Lord Coola,” he called out,
“The Saiyan’s name is Kakarotto.” Coola pondered the name for a moment.
“No,” he said, “I don’t much care for that. I’ll let you all know when I come up with
something a little more fitting. In the meantime, resume normal operation of the ship while I
retire to my quarters.”
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For the record, though, I do know exactly what Goku's name will be. I'll give you a hint: It's a pun on two levels, though one is more explicit than the other; pretty much me translating a word into Japanese and using the Romanization, really, but I think it has a nice ring to it. Also, wow; now that I'm seeing it as a preview, that looked much longer in Microsoft Word...
When You Want A Job Done Right... [Story]
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Sun-Wukong
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When You Want A Job Done Right... [Story]
This will never not be my sig:
VegettoEX wrote:"Snoop Lion" is just a character he's playing for his reggae album and documentary. Him saying that it's his new name is all part of the character.
I can't believe this is on-topic.
Re: When You Want A Job Done Right... [Story]
I'm definitely interested in reading more.
Visit DragonBallFigures for all your Dragon Ball figure info and needs!
MY HOLY GRAIL (110% Serious. Please sell me one)Mayuri Kurotsuchi wrote:"In this world, nothing perfect exists. It may be a cliche after all but it's the way things are. That's precisely why ordinary men pursue the concept of perfection, it's infatuation. But ultimately I have to ask myself "What is the true meaning of being perfect?" and the answer I came up with was nothing. Not one thing. The truth of the matter is I despise perfection! If something is truly perfect, that's IT! The bottom line becomes there is no room for imagination! No space for intelligence or ability or improvement! Do you understand? To men of science like us, perfection is a dead end, a condition of hopelessness. Always strive to be better than anything that came before you but not perfect! Scientist's agonize over the attempt to achieve perfection! That's the kind of creatures we are! We take joy in trying to exceed our grasp, in trying to reach for something that in the end, we have to admit may in fact be unreachable!"
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Sun-Wukong
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Re: When You Want A Job Done Right... [Story]
You got it!
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Once more, the infant rested in its captor’s hand. It had finally fallen asleep. What Coola
planned to do required absolute focus and precision, impossible to manage while it was thrashing
about and assaulting his ears.
“They say that your kind gets stronger after every near-death experience, through some
stroke of luck over the course of its evolution. Since I got stuck with the runt of the litter, we’ll
have to start exploiting that early.” Standing before a healing tank, readied for its next patient,
Coola raised his free hand over the infant and gathered energy into his index finger. He didn’t
mind if the infant cried, after what came next.
Medicinal fluid embraced the infant, washing away its blood and tears, cleaning its
wound. Coola watched for a brief moment, making sure everything worked as expected, then
turned away, anxious about the future. The chamber’s warmth and gentle humming lulled the
infant to sleep in the otherwise cold, dark room...
of the toddler. Now I’m being treated like a glorified caretaker. What does he even want this
child for anyway?
“Sauzaa, you may leave your post. Our next target is fast approaching, and I want to
make sure Rōden is ready,” Coola said as he entered.
“Thanks you, sir.” Sauzaa replied.
Coola drained the healing chamber and lifted Rōden from it by the arm, eyeing the
toddler with great familiarity. “My, how you’ve grown. I hope that you’re ready for your first
mission, not that you’ll remember much of it. Don’t worry, father will fill you in on everything
that escapes you.” Rōden didn’t cry anymore. It had been over a year since he was born; that
stopped after a few months. He still couldn’t walk on his own, but he was getting there. Fighting
was still a ways off, let alone manipulating energy.
“Prepare to land on Planet Avicenna.” Coola ordered.
“Why are we taking that thing?” Dōre asked.
“Don’t question my actions. Otherwise, I won’t have to procure a fourth set of armor.”
“Understood.”
“Just the few hundred in the settlement at the base of this mountain, sir, and a few
scattered groups elsewhere. If you don’t mind me asking, sir, why are we subjugating such a
small planet? The reward can’t be that substantial.”
“I appreciate your courtesy, Sauzaa. If you must know, my decision was not entirely
business-minded. This rock does have a few things going for it, though,” Coola replied, clutching
the sleeping Rōden by the tail and lifting him, waking him up in the process. “Namely, it has
seven moons, at least one of which is almost always full on any given night,” he said, tossing
Rōden off the side of the mountain. “Consider this your night off, boys, entertainment free of
charge.”
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Fun fact: The first chapter (which includes some of this post) came out to precisely 666 words without me realizing until after I stopped working on chapter two for the time being. Also, I hope a few of the other people that viewed the thread besides Gonstead read it. Seriously, guys, if you didn't like it, tell me how to improve, otherwise I won't know. And if you did like it, I wouldn't mind hearing about that either.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once more, the infant rested in its captor’s hand. It had finally fallen asleep. What Coola
planned to do required absolute focus and precision, impossible to manage while it was thrashing
about and assaulting his ears.
“They say that your kind gets stronger after every near-death experience, through some
stroke of luck over the course of its evolution. Since I got stuck with the runt of the litter, we’ll
have to start exploiting that early.” Standing before a healing tank, readied for its next patient,
Coola raised his free hand over the infant and gathered energy into his index finger. He didn’t
mind if the infant cried, after what came next.
Medicinal fluid embraced the infant, washing away its blood and tears, cleaning its
wound. Coola watched for a brief moment, making sure everything worked as expected, then
turned away, anxious about the future. The chamber’s warmth and gentle humming lulled the
infant to sleep in the otherwise cold, dark room...
# # #
This position used to mean something, Sauzaa thought, watching over the healing processof the toddler. Now I’m being treated like a glorified caretaker. What does he even want this
child for anyway?
“Sauzaa, you may leave your post. Our next target is fast approaching, and I want to
make sure Rōden is ready,” Coola said as he entered.
“Thanks you, sir.” Sauzaa replied.
Coola drained the healing chamber and lifted Rōden from it by the arm, eyeing the
toddler with great familiarity. “My, how you’ve grown. I hope that you’re ready for your first
mission, not that you’ll remember much of it. Don’t worry, father will fill you in on everything
that escapes you.” Rōden didn’t cry anymore. It had been over a year since he was born; that
stopped after a few months. He still couldn’t walk on his own, but he was getting there. Fighting
was still a ways off, let alone manipulating energy.
“Prepare to land on Planet Avicenna.” Coola ordered.
“Why are we taking that thing?” Dōre asked.
“Don’t question my actions. Otherwise, I won’t have to procure a fourth set of armor.”
“Understood.”
# # #
“Gentlemen, how many life forms do you pick up on your scouters?”“Just the few hundred in the settlement at the base of this mountain, sir, and a few
scattered groups elsewhere. If you don’t mind me asking, sir, why are we subjugating such a
small planet? The reward can’t be that substantial.”
“I appreciate your courtesy, Sauzaa. If you must know, my decision was not entirely
business-minded. This rock does have a few things going for it, though,” Coola replied, clutching
the sleeping Rōden by the tail and lifting him, waking him up in the process. “Namely, it has
seven moons, at least one of which is almost always full on any given night,” he said, tossing
Rōden off the side of the mountain. “Consider this your night off, boys, entertainment free of
charge.”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fun fact: The first chapter (which includes some of this post) came out to precisely 666 words without me realizing until after I stopped working on chapter two for the time being. Also, I hope a few of the other people that viewed the thread besides Gonstead read it. Seriously, guys, if you didn't like it, tell me how to improve, otherwise I won't know. And if you did like it, I wouldn't mind hearing about that either.
This will never not be my sig:
VegettoEX wrote:"Snoop Lion" is just a character he's playing for his reggae album and documentary. Him saying that it's his new name is all part of the character.
I can't believe this is on-topic.
Re: When You Want A Job Done Right... [Story]
The chapters may be a little short for my liking but I'm definitely not complaining.
Interesting how this will play out for the future. I wonder if Cooler will make a trip to Earth possibly?
Interesting how this will play out for the future. I wonder if Cooler will make a trip to Earth possibly?
Visit DragonBallFigures for all your Dragon Ball figure info and needs!
MY HOLY GRAIL (110% Serious. Please sell me one)Mayuri Kurotsuchi wrote:"In this world, nothing perfect exists. It may be a cliche after all but it's the way things are. That's precisely why ordinary men pursue the concept of perfection, it's infatuation. But ultimately I have to ask myself "What is the true meaning of being perfect?" and the answer I came up with was nothing. Not one thing. The truth of the matter is I despise perfection! If something is truly perfect, that's IT! The bottom line becomes there is no room for imagination! No space for intelligence or ability or improvement! Do you understand? To men of science like us, perfection is a dead end, a condition of hopelessness. Always strive to be better than anything that came before you but not perfect! Scientist's agonize over the attempt to achieve perfection! That's the kind of creatures we are! We take joy in trying to exceed our grasp, in trying to reach for something that in the end, we have to admit may in fact be unreachable!"
-
Sun-Wukong
- Beyond-the-Beyond Newbie
- Posts: 466
- Joined: Wed Jul 14, 2010 7:27 pm
Re: When You Want A Job Done Right... [Story]
This just seems like a good time to say, I'm not posting the story a chapter at a time, and this isn't the final version by any stretch of the imagination. Consider it more of a extra polished rough draft. Also, the unholy number of words-length segment that I had considered the first chapter did strike me as being too short, so as it stands, everything I've posted so far is still part of the first chapter. If anyone thought that the hash-tags signified the end of a chapter, no, I'm just fond of rapid time skips.
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The inhabitants of Avicenna, though formidable against their neighboring planets, were
no match for an Ōzaru, even one at such a young age.
"Simply incredible. No being at this age should be able to reach such power," Coola said.
"It's not that impressive, but 10,000 is pretty good, for a monkey, under a full moon, I
guess…" Sauzaa added.
"Whooo, look at that boy go! I'm sorry I ever doubted you, Lord Coola," Dōre shouted.
"Yes, I am quite pleased. In the end, he should make a great addition to the squadron,"
among other things, he added in his head. "What about you, Neiz?"
"It doesn't really matter what I think, as long as you're happy."
"Why thank you," Coola replied, thinking of all the times his father had said some
approximation of that to his brother. "So if I were to tell you that your appearance sickened me,
that wouldn't offend you?"
"…Of course not. My parents must have been among the most gracious in the universe,
to have not just thrown me away when I was born. The fact that you look directly at me when we
speak is a testament to your kindness." Neiz had adjusted to his life under Coola over the years.
Neiz had adjusted…
# # #
The stretch of land below them was just as barren as any other across the planet. Anyone
seeing it for the first time would have no idea it had ever been inhabited by intelligent life. All
that remained now were a few random groups of outsiders. Their reasons for separating from the
rest of their civilization were of no interest to Coola and his men. Soon, the planet would be a
distant memory in each of their minds.
Day was just beginning to break. "Alright gentlemen, your night off is officially over. I
hope you all feel well rested and ready for a brand new day. Sauzaa, which direction to the
nearest clump of stragglers?"
"Directly southeast, Lord Coola."
"Good. I'll be with the rest of you shortly."
As the rest took off, Coola flew to Rōden, still stomping and howling, beating his chest.
"Just remember one thing, my son. Even in this form, you're nothing compared to me, and you
will never surpass me. You will come close, by all means, just as Freeza, if not more so." He
turned away, unsure of what to say next. “If I simply wanted to kill my brother, I would have
done it years ago. Therein lies the problem. He knows how much greater my power is, and so the
gesture, albeit satisfying for a while, would be meaningless. If you, a low-class Saiyan, were to
kill him though… My God, it would be beautiful. Now, in this form, you can take a lot of abuse,
so I hope you're ready for me to loosen the reins a bit."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As for any potential visits to Earth... You'll have to wait and see.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The inhabitants of Avicenna, though formidable against their neighboring planets, were
no match for an Ōzaru, even one at such a young age.
"Simply incredible. No being at this age should be able to reach such power," Coola said.
"It's not that impressive, but 10,000 is pretty good, for a monkey, under a full moon, I
guess…" Sauzaa added.
"Whooo, look at that boy go! I'm sorry I ever doubted you, Lord Coola," Dōre shouted.
"Yes, I am quite pleased. In the end, he should make a great addition to the squadron,"
among other things, he added in his head. "What about you, Neiz?"
"It doesn't really matter what I think, as long as you're happy."
"Why thank you," Coola replied, thinking of all the times his father had said some
approximation of that to his brother. "So if I were to tell you that your appearance sickened me,
that wouldn't offend you?"
"…Of course not. My parents must have been among the most gracious in the universe,
to have not just thrown me away when I was born. The fact that you look directly at me when we
speak is a testament to your kindness." Neiz had adjusted to his life under Coola over the years.
Neiz had adjusted…
# # #
The stretch of land below them was just as barren as any other across the planet. Anyone
seeing it for the first time would have no idea it had ever been inhabited by intelligent life. All
that remained now were a few random groups of outsiders. Their reasons for separating from the
rest of their civilization were of no interest to Coola and his men. Soon, the planet would be a
distant memory in each of their minds.
Day was just beginning to break. "Alright gentlemen, your night off is officially over. I
hope you all feel well rested and ready for a brand new day. Sauzaa, which direction to the
nearest clump of stragglers?"
"Directly southeast, Lord Coola."
"Good. I'll be with the rest of you shortly."
As the rest took off, Coola flew to Rōden, still stomping and howling, beating his chest.
"Just remember one thing, my son. Even in this form, you're nothing compared to me, and you
will never surpass me. You will come close, by all means, just as Freeza, if not more so." He
turned away, unsure of what to say next. “If I simply wanted to kill my brother, I would have
done it years ago. Therein lies the problem. He knows how much greater my power is, and so the
gesture, albeit satisfying for a while, would be meaningless. If you, a low-class Saiyan, were to
kill him though… My God, it would be beautiful. Now, in this form, you can take a lot of abuse,
so I hope you're ready for me to loosen the reins a bit."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As for any potential visits to Earth... You'll have to wait and see.
This will never not be my sig:
VegettoEX wrote:"Snoop Lion" is just a character he's playing for his reggae album and documentary. Him saying that it's his new name is all part of the character.
I can't believe this is on-topic.
-
FlpShimizu
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Re: When You Want A Job Done Right... [Story]
Awesome. I really like the way you write about Cooler's thoughts.
"I'm never fighting a gag manga character again!"
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Sun-Wukong
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Re: When You Want A Job Done Right... [Story]
Well, it's been a while. Sorry to all two of my readers. I'd like to say that college got in the way, but...I'm just lazy. That said, you know how you're supposed to let things sit after you write them and come back later to gain perspective and see what doesn't set right with you? I thought I had spent sufficient time doing that, but coming back to it now and trying to read leaves me unsatisfied. It's still good (if I may be so bold), but not great, and I want it to be great. Constructive criticism means nothing if I don't put my best foot forward at the beginning, so I'll be waiting a while before posting a fully revised version of what I have so far, along with...probably the rest of the story.
Just a thought, and not anything concrete, but I'm considering making this all a single chapter in one bigger work that shows a bunch of "What if?" scenarios and how they all connect to each other--I guess that would just be an alternate universe. Anywho, just a thought, but if that sounds interesting to anyone, I have plenty of other "What if?" ideas, and the way I see it, I may as well connect them.
Just a thought, and not anything concrete, but I'm considering making this all a single chapter in one bigger work that shows a bunch of "What if?" scenarios and how they all connect to each other--I guess that would just be an alternate universe. Anywho, just a thought, but if that sounds interesting to anyone, I have plenty of other "What if?" ideas, and the way I see it, I may as well connect them.
This will never not be my sig:
VegettoEX wrote:"Snoop Lion" is just a character he's playing for his reggae album and documentary. Him saying that it's his new name is all part of the character.
I can't believe this is on-topic.
-
dragondyle
- OMG CRAZY REGEN
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- Joined: Wed Dec 20, 2006 2:37 am
Re: When You Want A Job Done Right... [Story]
You may have a third reader soon! At the moment, I don't have time to read this but I'm very interested in doing so. Sounds like an awesome read and Coola is my favourite movie villain.
"You must have faith in who you are." - Gohan (Dragonball Evolution)